Good Enough As Is

I had pretty much forgotten that I had a blog, but driving to work today I had this overwhelming desire to write. As I drove home from work I tried to figure out what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it. The problem with this blog is that it is a public blog, not a private journal. That means that what I write has to be at least somewhat coherent, and filtered enough to maintain my privacy on some level. Obviously some of you know me very well, others don't know me at all. I hope that you can take something from this, no matter how much of my backstory you really know.
I am on week 5/6 of my 8 week 5K training program, and signed up for 2 other races in addition to the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. The first is on Sunday 10/27. I was worried that if I finished training in the middle of October and didn't have a race for a month I would stop running, and I don't want to do that this time. The last time I wrote I mentioned how I need to have goals to work towards, otherwise I get bored. I'm starting to wonder if those goals are a way of saying to myself, "you're still a work in progress...you can be better...you will be better." Is it a way of not having to accept myself as I am today, because tomorrow I will be closer to my goal (whatever it happens to be), and therefore "better."
Over the past few days, I've been confronted with the idea that I might be just fine...quirks, extra pounds, glasses, dorky sense of humor and all. I was saying to my best friend today that the age 1-35 Rose has a VERY hard time believing that, because it just never seemed to be the case back then, and when I thought it was, I turned out to be wrong. The age 35-40 year old Rose thinks, "why not?" The problem is that I've known that other Rose for a MUCH longer time, and her voice is still the louder one. If I look in the mirror and think I look pretty, I feel very uncomfortable, like I'm either hallucinating or being too full of myself. I wish that I could float outside of my body...outside of my head...and see myself the way others see me. The problem is that many of the compliments I receive are from people I know and love. It's not that I don't trust them, but I don't know that they can be objective.
I am finding that my sense of self-worth is still very much dependent on what others think of me, even though I thought I was past that. More than that, I am finding that I cannot truly believe that someone who I don't know that well, and whose opinion I value, might think that I'm just fine as is. I feel like my intuition has been so wrong in the past that I can't trust it now. Being objective is not always possible, and again, the people who might tell me that I'm right are people who may be speaking from a place of love and not brutal honesty.
I know this might make very little sense, but the bottom line is that I'm happy, and life is good. I think it has the potential to be even better if I just stop thinking so much...that has always been my problem. I need to get out of my own way.

Well, Hello Again!

So, it's been a really long time since I've written (my Dad hates it when I start a sentence with the word "so"...sorry Dad!) You might be able to guess that I haven't written because there was nothing very good to write about. I know that I shouldn't only blog when I'm in control, but it's hard to write about bad times when you're in the middle of them. I'm more than happy to go back and admit to all of the mistakes I've made now that I feel back in control, but while I'm making those mistakes, I don't want to think about, talk about, write about, or acknowledge them in any way. When I do, I do so in very general terms..."I pigged out last night", "I binged", "I ate WAY too much!" I won't ever say, "I had dinner and then went out and got Taco Bell and ice cream", because that's just too humiliating (and yes, that did happen.)

I am extremely goal-oriented. I realized that after I was done with school I needed to find other things to work towards in order to keep myself interested. Getting to goal or making lifetime at WW is a goal. Losing 10 lbs isn't...not for me, I don't know why. Right now I am 10 lbs over my goal at WW, which means that I'm back to paying. I'm about 20 lbs more than the weight I maintained for about 2 years after making lifetime (I've increased my goal by 7 lbs since then, not because I wanted to, but because I was allowed to, and didn't want to pay. I can't increase it anymore than it is now.) I don't feel the need to be 20 lbs less than I am now, but 10 absolutely, and 15 ideally. That is not motivating enough for me, because it seems like a passive goal, like I need to STOP doing something, namely eating, to achieve it. I do have the goal of tracking my food and staying within my points, but again, it's not that exciting.

2 years ago I trained for my first 5k using the Couch to 5K app (C25K), and ran one on New Year's Day, 2012. I never ran again. A friend who did the same and ran her first race a few months before me just ran a 20K this past weekend and looks amazing!! When I ran my race, I was SO proud of myself! I always thought that runners were "real" athletes, and I never in a million years thought I could run...in high school I could barely walk around the track without getting terrible pain in my calves. I actually framed the bib I wore during my 5k and hung it on the same wall in my office as all of my diplomas...it means that much to me. Last week, sort of on a whim, I signed up for a Turkey Trot 5k, and on Saturday I restarted C25K. It stinks to have to start all over, but I am LOVING how I feel during and after my workout. I especially love that it's only 30 minutes long! I'm so excited for the race, and my plan is to continuing running after it's over. I may never do more than a 5k but, for someone who once weighed close to 200 lbs, I'd say that's pretty damn good!

Deep Thoughts, With Rose Hughes

I was all set to post after my weigh-in last Friday and tell you all how great I had done. I felt so good and in control, and then...I had gained 0.2 pounds. I know that's nothing, but it was disappointing. I had gone way over my weekly points because I didn't decide to get back on the WW plan until Saturday night, but I still thought I had overcome that. I have been tracking every day this week, but I'm over my weekly points again. The main culprit is desserts over the weekend. My plan was to just have ice cream one night, but that didn't happen. Even though I'm tracking it, I think it's just too much, and it's not leaving me with any wiggle room at all during the week, whether I track or do SF. In both cases, I need the 49 points (and whatever I earn at the gym, which is not much) if I want a treat or a snack or a higher point meal. If I use them up by Saturday, it makes the rest of the week very difficult. I'm still trying to figure this all out, which is strange, since I've been doing it for 4 years (this time...25 years on and off!) The other thing I'm wrestling with is whether the suggested goal of 26 points a day is realistic for me. On the one hand, I think that the fewer points I eat, the more quickly I will lose weight. However, I also think that if I increase my goal by a few points a day, it might make me feel more satisfied, and allow me to dip into my weekly 49 a little bit less. Still not sure about that one. When WW first switched to the Points Plus plan, I got 29 points. Then one day, they decided it was 26. I'm not sure why, but those 3 points are HUGE!!

A friend told me today that she was out walking the other day, and felt so great, and proud of herself for losing 30 lbs (which she did about 3 years ago, I believe.) I said that I feel very disconnected from my weight loss at this point. I said that I don't relate to either my before or after picture, because I'm somewhere in between. That's part of it, but I also lost my weight almost 4 years ago. It seems like forever. I've kept off 30 of those pounds, and I can't really remember how it felt to lose the weight. At the same time, I do still feel like a fat person in a normal sized body. It doesn't make sense...how can I still think like a fat person, but not remember how I felt when I was losing weight? How can I not feel that pride in my weight loss anymore? When people compliment me on my weight loss or how I look now, it feels weird. You don't compliment someone who's always been a normal weight on being a normal weight. Maybe I feel like I've milked the accomplishment for as long as is allowable. I don't know. I just don't have much of an emotional connection to it anymore, and I don't think that's a good thing.

I want to lose about 10 pounds, but I'm not quite sure why. I think I look fine, if I'm being honest. No, I don't fit into my super-skinny clothes (the size 4 stuff), but is it really necessary for me to be a size 4? Do I want to work that hard anymore? The problem is that, when I start to think that maybe I should just be happy the way I am, or maybe just lose 5 lbs, I think that I am just being lazy and adjusting my goals, not because I really don't care, but because I don't want to make the effort. This is how I am with everything. I set high goals for myself, sometimes unnecessarily, and then if I decide to make things easier on myself, I feel like I'm not working hard enough. It's kind of like how I feel the need to finish a book even if I don't like it...I don't want to think that I'm giving up. Wow, that sounds crazy even writing it.

I feel like I have a lot of decisions to make. I'm leaning towards more tracking over SF, just because it's more familiar, and allows for more flexibility. I need to decide what my daily points goal should be, and whether I'm trying to lose weight, or stay the same and, if I want to lose, how much? At this point I'd just be happy to not gain another 0.2...

The Great Coffee Debate

The thing I'm having the most trouble with on SF is coffee. After years of flavored coffee with either milk and Equal or flavored Coffeemate, I got used to plain coffee with coconut milk during the W30. On SF, I can have flavored coffee, but coconut milk needs to be counted, so I've switched to skim milk (organic at home.) I've allowed myself to try flavored coffee again, because the skim milk lacks some of the flavor of coconut milk. It also lacks the creaminess of the full-fat coconut milk I was using. There are 2 Dunkin Donuts by me, one of which has a drive-thru. I go there when I'm feeling lazy, but the coffee is not as good as at the other one. I went there today, because it's less out of my way on the way to work. I asked for an iced French vanilla with skim milk. It did not taste like flavored coffee, and was very dark. When I got to work, I decided to give in and add some Equal. I used to add Equal to my coffee all the time, but now it tasted so sweet and artificial. I drank the coffee anyway, slowly throughout the day, but it wasn't what I wanted.

I'm wondering if I should just suck it up and go back to the coconut milk. Even the low fat coconut milk is creamier than skim milk. That means I have to take it out of my 49 points when doing SF, or my daily points when tracking. It also means that I have to go back to buying cans of coconut milk, which is expensive, and carrying it around in little Tupperware containers. Something tells me I'm just going to force myself to get used to the skim.

I'm loving SF. I feel like I'm just making the choice to eat healthy foods which, for the most part, are not things I have to worry about overeating. I am looking forward to the tuna sub which I plan to have for dinner on Friday night, but during the work-week, this is very doable. I haven't weighed myself since I was weighed at WW last Friday. One thing I have taken from the W30 is to stay away from the scale. I feel great about myself this week...why risk ruining it because the stir-fry I ate tonight might have been a little salty?

I'm not going to be posting everyday anymore. I don't think you guys care too much what I eat every single day for the rest of my life. I will try to check in at least once a week...that way I'll have some time to gather all kinds of new and exciting thoughts and opinions to share with you, my fans :)

Perspective

I have 2 pairs of white capris, a size 4 and a size 6. It's been a long time since I wore the 4's, but I can remember when the 6's were too big...*sigh*. Anyway, I had a meeting with financial planners this morning (God, that makes me sound so old!) and I grabbed what I thought were the 6's out of my closet. As I was pulling them up, I saw the pockets open, and thought, "I thought I had sewn the pockets shut." (I actually stapled them shut...don't ask.) I had worn them last week, and after I washed them I hadn't put them in the dryer. My new washing machine washes whites on hot...could that have caused them to shrink that much? I started to feel fat and miserable until I realized, "Wait! These are the 4's! Oh wow, I can get them up to my hips...not bad!" After that, I felt happy and motivated, because the 4's seem like a realistic goal, with some work.

The moral of this story? Something as dumb as the fit of a pair of pants can have a huge effect on my mood. I went from feeling terrible when I thought my pants didn't fit, to feeling great, because a smaller pair of pants have the possibility of fitting again in this lifetime. Nevermind that I don't believe that I am truly a size 4 OR 6. Let's say that I was a size 4 at 135 lbs, and each size lower is 10 lbs less. That means someone who weighed 115 would be a size 0. What about the women who weigh less than that? What are they??? These are the things that keep me up at night. Not really.

I ate exactly the same things today as I did yesterday, and enjoyed them just as much. I don't mind eating the same thing a few days in a row if it means I don't have to cook. My 3 main goals in life are to cook, clean, and grocery shop as little as possible. Who ever said I don't aim high??

Simply Successful!

I am tired! I was busy at work, and I had a college student shadowing me. She is a patient of mine, going into her Junior year of college, and considering optometry. It is so weird to realize that I am old enough to have a college student following me around! This is the 2nd patient I've had shadow me, and I am happy to do it, but it makes me feel like I'm performing even more than I usually do, so it's exhausting.

Today was my first day doing Simply Filling, and I loved it! For breakfast I had unfrosted Mini-Wheats with skim milk and a banana...I was SO happy to have a bowl of cereal after a month of eggs and leftover meat for breakfast! I also had an iced coffee with skim milk. For lunch I had turkey on light multi-grain bread with tomato. Instead of mustard or fat-free mayo, I spread some fat-free chipotle ranch dressing on it...delicious! I also had some cherries and a few bites of peach (I never got the chance to finish my peach...I was that busy!) For dinner I made multi-grain shell pasta and topped it with sauce I made by browning ground beef with mushrooms and garlic, and adding canned tomato sauce to it. Jarred sauce is not ok on SF because it has...SUGAR!!! I will probably have some grapes later. After my first bowl of pasta I wanted more (it had been a LOOONG time since I'd had pasta.) The one thing about SF that makes me nervous is the idea of eating "until you're satisfied." Ummm, if I could do that, would I have a weight problem??? I took a little more and, about half-way through, I realized that I was starting to feel a little bit full. Instead of just finishing what was there, I put it back in the pot with the rest. Now I have lunch for tomorrow. Go me.

I definitely feel like my experience with W30 has made the transition to SF pretty easy. I am used to (and very good at) reading labels, and I do not have a problem eliminating processed foods and sugar (artificial sweeteners are allowed on SF, but I am choosing to limit those as much as possible.) I've also decided to stay away from things like fat-free cheese, fat-free mayo, etc. I did buy a fat-free salad dressing, mainly because SF limits olive oil to 2 tsps a day (anything over that has to be counted.) I would prefer to save my 2 tsps for cooking, like I did tonight to brown the ground beef. One reason that I am avoiding fat-free cheese is that I have not found organic fat-free cheese...I'm not even sure that it exists. I also don't particularly like fat-free cheese (for example, I could've had fat-free ricotta with my pasta tonight, but I HATE fat-free ricotta!) I have also read that many fat-free products have a lot of added sugar to give them more taste. Why avoid fat and overdose on sugar? Makes no sense.

The whole low-fat thing is the one issue I'm wrestling with after doing almost two W30's. On the W30 you are encouraged to eat healthy fats, like olives, olive oil, avocado, nuts, etc. Aside from 2 tsps of olive oil, none of the things I just mentioned are "free" on SF. During a W30 if you are hungry, you are told to make sure that you've eaten enough fat. I'm having a hard time deciding what I believe and what I want to do. I think that I may end up adding some avocado or olives to a salad or sandwich, etc., perhaps once a day. I'm not sure. The only time I felt hungry today was at the end of my work day which was at 7pm, and I was ready for dinner. Overall this seems like a very doable plan for me, and the perfect transition from W30 back to a more long-term sustainable way of eating.

Reunited and it Feels So Good!

Today was my first real day back on WW, and it felt like coming home. For the past 25 years or so, I've either been on WW or off WW. When I first started, the program consisted of exchanges (so many "bread", so many "protein"...or were they called "meat"?, etc.), and I was given the amounts for a child...that's how long it's been. I've followed the program through many changes, most recently from points to points plus (which I resisted for a long time, because I lost my weight with points), and I'm sure I will be along for many more changes in the future. The thing is that no matter how it changes, it is the program that has always worked for me, as long as I work the program. That's what I started doing today, and it felt very comfortable and familiar.

Aside from getting up with the dogs twice, I slept until 11:45 this morning. I can't remember when I last did that, but if I only have one day off, I'm going to take advantage of it! I then went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the bike, and then it was off to Shop Rite. I feel like I should take a Xanax before I go to Shop Rite on a Sunday. I usually zip through there, but I was trying to buy mostly SF foods and, since I'm not 100% familiar with the plan yet, I had to keep stopping to look things up on my phone. No matter what obscure thing I put myself in front of to try and be out of the way, inevitably someone had to have exactly that item at exactly that moment. At one point, a man was trying to look at what I was blocking, and was whistling so loudly! Of course I ended up in the same aisle with him every few minutes, and he was either whistling or clapping. Ugh!

I got a bunch of stuff, and then headed to a sub shop for what would be my breakfast (other than a banana) and lunch. I was in the mood for tuna, so I got a 6" tuna on wheat with lettuce and tomato. I don't always like tuna, but this was DELICIOUS! On WW E-tools, a 6" tuna on wheat from Subway is 12 points plus (pp), and in my Eat Out book it's 13...guess what I chose? I watched a little TV, did some laundry, and then at 4:30 I went upstairs and took a nap until 5:45...yep, I slept until 11:45 and then took a nap! Hey, at least when I'm sleeping I can't think about food! I woke up, fed the dogs, showered, and got sushi. I got an Alaska roll, a Christmas roll and a California roll, and my best estimate based on my Eat Out book (which I love!) was 10 pp. So my sandwich plus my sushi, an iced coffee with skim milk (1 pp) and a coffee with 3 TBSP of coconut milk (3 pp) put me right at 26, my limit for the day. I'll have a cup of cantaloupe for dinner (0 pp.)

Last night I spent a lot of time looking at WW recipes on Pinterest, and I started a WW board, but I'm not going to attempt any of the them this week, because I didn't have time to cook today. This week I'm going to try to do SF, so I'll have stir fry one night, whole wheat pasta with meat sauce another, a burger and maybe home made sweet potato fries one night, etc. I'm thinking I will end up tracking on the weekends and doing SF during the week, when I have more control of what I'm eating (meaning that I know in advance.)

I'm way over my points for the week. I went for ice cream last night with my brother, SIL, niece and nephew (I had a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream and it was just ok.) I also went way over on Friday, before I knew that I was going to start WW this week, but I'm not worried. It feels so good to know that I can have anything I want, and that I don't have deny myself anything. I enjoyed everything I ate last night and today, and today I was right on plan.

I did lose 6 lbs on the W26.5, as well as 0.5" on my waist and 0.5" on my hips. Not what I was hoping for, but better than nothing. I'm feeling rejuvenated, satisfied, and motivated. I'm hopeful that by my 4 year anniversary of hitting goal this November, I'll be back to where I want to be!

Whole 26.5

I'm done. I was driving home from work at about 3pm and I was STARVING. I have very little food in the house, and I was trying to figure out what I could have for dinner (I'm going grocery shopping tomorrow.) My choices were some kind of meat which I'd have to defrost and then cook, along with some vegetables, or another salad from Saladworks, which would be my 3rd in 4 days. I've been up since 6am, and worked from 8-3. The defrosting/cooking thing was not happening, and the idea of another salad made me want to scream. Then I figured out that out of the last 111 days, I've been W30 compliant for 56.5 of them. I decided that that was more than enough. I am done.

I came home and had a banana, and I'm thinking of getting a 6" turkey sub on a wheat roll with mustard, veggies, no cheese for dinner...I'm REALLY craving a sandwich! My first thought was ICE CREAM, and that will either happen tonight or tomorrow, but then I became sort of frozen. I want to relax my standards, but I don't want to go nuts. I was thinking sushi rolls, but those don't really fill me up unless I eat too many of them. The sandwich sounds really good!

I came home and tracked my food for yesterday (as best as I could remember) and today. I checked with my leader, and I can do SF some days and tracking others. I'm sure that I will be over my weekly allowance this week, because I AM going to allow myself to have an ice cream this weekend, and my food yesterday added up to a lot of points. I also have a bunch of stuff going on this week, so between now and next Friday I will only get to the gym twice. I'm not too concerned about that right now. I just want to get back in the habit of tracking, so that I can really start up again on Friday.

I looked up a thick shake float in my Eating Out book...a large is between 34 and 41 points. That may sound crazy, but to me it's worth it. It will be nice to have one, track it, enjoy it, and not feel guilty. I'm happy that the place I go for it is only open in the summer!

I have to weigh myself tomorrow morning, but I think I've lost about 6 lbs on this W30, which is very disappointing, considering I lost almost 15 in April. If I'm being honest, I stretched the rules this time. I ate nothing off-plan, but I ate more often than I should have, and compliant things that were high in calories.

So what's the take-home this time? I don't know. Am I glad I did the W30? In April, absolutely! This time, I'm not sure. However, I lost 6 lbs in 28 days. If I had continued the way I was going, I probably would've gained at least 10 more lbs in that time, so for that reason I am glad. It's also made me excited about the WW program again, and I'm ready to really get back to doing the things I did when I originally lost the 40 lbs almost 4 years ago. I didn't notices any huge changes this time, and I'm not sure why. I think it was harder for me to be aware, because I was waiting for things to happen instead of experiencing them as they did. I think that the W30 is a great thing for anyone to try, because I had such an amazing experience the first time, and there are some aspects of it that I will continue with. Whether doing more than one is beneficial, for me I'd say that the answer was not really.

Now We're Talking!

It's Friday, and we all know what that means...WW meeting! And when you're a lifetime member trying to get back to within 2 lbs of your goal so that you won't have to pay, it means walking up to the scale with your wallet. That's just what I did this morning...but I was down 2.4 lbs from last week AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO PAY!!! It's funny because I felt like I was stretching the limits of the W30 guidelines this week, and I exercised less than last week, but I guess all my hard work from last week caught up with me this week. That put me in a good mood as I headed in to work. We were short-staffed because of vacations, but the day went smoothly. My work weeks alternate between M-F and T-Sa. That means I either have a 3 day weekend or a 1 day weekend. This week is a 1 day weekend, which is not my favorite, but I've put a positive spin on it (see what a 2.4 lb weight-loss can do to a girl?) It's going to be REALLY hot again tomorrow. If I were off, I could either go swim in the pool which, according to my SIL who was there today, feels like bath water, or I could sit home and have the dogs stare at me, wanting to go out. I might as well go to work.

I'm pretty committed to trying the Simply Filling WW technique. I'm not sure what I will do next Wednesday and Thursday...I may just try to eat like a "normal" person (I know, good luck with that) one. My WW week starts Friday and my W30 ends Tuesday, so I may just let my brain relax a little bit for a few days. My friend sent me this link, which explains exactly what foods are considered "Simply Filling", meaning that you can eat them (until satisfied) without tracking them. Anything else must be tracked, and comes out of my 49 weekly points. I don't have to do Simply Filling every day in a week, I can track some days, but I believe that I can't pick and choose meals to track and others (in the same day) to do SF. I have to check on that and get back to you.

Last night I was thinking that maybe I could not follow a "plan" and just eat less/better, and lose these last 10-13 lbs that way. That seems to work for both of my sisters. When they lose weight and I ask them how they did it, they say things like, "I cut out sweets" or "I started walking." How annoying! Why does it seem to be that simple for other people, but not for me? I know that that kind of thinking is pointless, but I'm still allowed to be mad at my sisters for being able to do that. Isn't that what sisters are for???

Just in case any of you are losing sleep, thinking that I won't be blogging after Tuesday, FEAR NOT!! I still have a long way to go to get back to where I want to be, and then I need to stay there and, as the subtitle of this blog states, losing the weight is ultimately the easy part. And, if I run out of weight-loss stories for you, I can always write about my dogs...

Did I Really Ever Look Like That?

A friend of mine posted the picture on the left on FB today. I'm thankful that she didn't tag anyone! I'm guessing that it was taken in 1992/93 when I was 19 or 20 and a Sophomore in college. I have no idea how much I weighed at that point...I don't know that I ever weighed myself when I was in college. The 2nd picture was taken 9 months after I hit my goal at WW, in August of 2010. I probably weighed about 135 there, maybe 13 lbs less than I weigh now. At that point, I was also going to the gym an average of 5 days a week.

I don't really know how I feel when I look at those pictures. I am sad for the girl on the left, and proud of the girl on the right, but I don't feel like either of them are me. I am pretty sure that I will never look like either of those people again. I would love to look like the girl on the right, but I'm 3 years older than she is, and I don't know if I'll ever get as dedicated to exercise again. I pray that I'll never look like the girl on the left. I honestly don't even know her. How did I get to be that big? How did I let myself? Why did I wear horizontal stripes, and a perm? Really??

The truth is that I am both of those people, and they are both still alive and well. I want to eat like the one on the left, but look like the one on the right...unfortunately, that's not an option. So I float somewhere in the middle, leaning way to the right most of the time. I wish that the girl on the right had been around when I was growing up, but she made her appearance pretty late. I'm hoping that means that she's well rested, and will stick around.

I feel very relieved now that I made the decision to end my W30 on Tuesday, after 30 days. I am VERY anxious to be done, but at this point I'm going to finish what I started. I never thought I'd be happy to only have a one day weekend this week (Sunday), but the weekends are always the hardest, and one day I can handle. I'm going to be reading up on the WW Simply Filling plan. It seems sort of like the love child of WW and W30. You eat filling foods, like whole grains, lean meats, non-fat dairy, fruits and vegetables until you're full, without tracking. For everything else, you have 49 points a week to use as you wish (peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream anyone???) I can also earn activity points to use if I choose. I love the idea of continuing to eat healthy, unprocessed foods, but with fewer restrictions, and not having to weigh, measure and count. I also like the idea of having the freedom to make some less virtuous choices, but within reason. I need to go through my old books to make sure that I understand it completely. It's what I'm leaning towards trying right now.

I did not eat enough of the right stuff today...I had a hard-boiled egg, some almonds, and pineapple for breakfast, and then a salad for lunch. I brought in a container of dates to leave at work. People leave stuff, like pretzels and granola bars, and I wanted something I could have. I also figured I'd be less tempted by them at work than at home. The problem was that I was hungry after my salad, and didn't have anything else to eat (oh, I'd eaten my grapes already), so I ate too many dates. Still better than raiding the snack box I guess...baby steps.

Ending With a True Whole30

Two posts in one day, aren't you lucky??? I just got off the phone with my Mom, and I've decided to keep this as a true W30, which will make my last day next Tuesday. I need more variety, I need permission to make choices, I need to not have to eat eggs and meat when I don't want them. I need the freedom to not have to cook every day. I need to learn to eat in a way that is healthy, but also sustainable long-term. Once I hit next Tuesday, I will have done 2 W30's in 4 months. I've proven to myself that I can do it, and that I have incredible willpower. However, that willpower has shown itself within very strict guidelines. I need to be able to make good choices within a more flexible way of eating. My Mom reminded me that I had amazing success, for a very long time, on WW. Perhaps it's time to take the best of WW and the W30 and combine the two.

What I want to take from the W30 is to limit sugar, processed foods, and dairy (and to make sure that, as much as possible, the dairy I do have is organic.) What I want to take from WW is the ability to have ANYTHING I WANT as long as I am accountable for it. I want carbs...not bagels every morning and pasta every night, but I want to be able to have sushi rolls on a hot night when I don't want to cook, and don't want anything hot. I want to, on occasion, have an ice cream at the pool with my nieces and nephews. I want to go to Saladworks and let them put dressing on my salad. I want to go out to celebrate a friend's birthday and not have to choose something on the menu which, while very good, would not have been my first, or even second, choice.

I need some freedom. Perhaps it is better to stop before I go on vacation. I did sort of worry that I'd go wild after being deprived for so long. Only time will tell if I'm making the right decision. All I know is that, when the heartburn was really bothering me last night, I was wishing that I could drink some milk or eat of piece of bread to settle my stomach. I want to have the freedom to make the choices that feel right for me. I've proven to myself that I can deny myself many things. Now, I need to prove to myself that I can handle freedom.

I Had Sugar!!

Don't get too excited...it was in Pepto Bismol. I realized last night that the pains I'd been attributing to hunger were actually heartburn. I came to that conclusion after eating all kinds of random (on-plan) stuff last night, because I thought I was hungry. I was on the phone with my Mom, and we figured out that it was probably heartburn. I took the last of the Pepto that I keep in the house for Annie (one of my bassets), and then got more on the way to work this morning. It seems to be hitting me late afternoon for the past 3 days, and I'm not sure why. I'm worried that it is from the large iced coffees I've been drinking, and I just can't accept that. I've given up everything, am I really expected to give up coffee too?? Anyway, the ingredients in Pepto Bismol are all kinds of unidentifiable things, most of which I'm sure I'm not supposed to have, and xanthum gum...another name for sugar. The W30 makes allowances for health-related things that you might have to take, and I'm not too worried that I'll start satisfying my sugar cravings by drinking Pepto, so it's all good.

I am tired of this...there, I said it. In the car on the way home I actually considered stopping after 30 days, rather than continuing until August 10th or 11th. Just the fact that I'm so anxious to be done is an indication to me that I am probably not ready to stop. I was trying to figure out what I wanted for dinner, and sushi and pizza came to mind. I did NOT want anything I can have. I didn't even want Saladworks, so it wasn't simply that I didn't want to cook (although, when it's 1,000 degrees out, does anyone really want to cook?) I'm making roasted carrots with hamburgers, but I am not the least bit excited about it. I'm eating because I have to eat. I feel like I'm just eating random foods throughout the day, rather than meals. Part of that is because I didn't do a big shop this week, or a big cook, so I have very little in the house. The other reason is that I'm not hungry for big meals, so I graze throughout the day (which I'm not supposed to do, but it's freakin' hot, and this is the best I can do now.) It might sound silly, but I think this plan is much easier to do in cool weather...unless you want to eat salads all day long, this plan is not chock full of "light" options.

I'm surprised that I'm feeling kind of negative about things this time, since I was SO excited about the whole thing in April. I don't know why I'm experiencing things differently this time. I have had some weight-loss, although it doesn't seem to be as dramatic as in April. I have not had any night sweats since the first week, and that is a huge thing for me, mainly because it freaks me out that it seems like something in my food makes me have night sweats! Energy, eh. Mood, pretty good. I think my cough is actually allergies, not a cold, so that's making me not thrilled, and now this heartburn oh, and my shoulder hurts again... I don't think any of these things are CAUSED by the plan, but they are just things that are not allowing me to feel 100% wonderful. I think my expectations were also higher this time, because I (thought) I knew what to expect. I'm going to push through, because I know that if I don't I will be upset with myself. I also feel that if I stop now I could easily go off the deep end again, and I don't want that to happen.

"It's Like a Heat Wave!"

Yes, I'm quoting the great Linda Ronstadt there. I remember my Mom playing her records on the record player in our dining room in the Bronx when I was little. She'd sing along and I'd dance. I still know the words to many of her songs. My love of Linda is not the reason for the title of this post however. It is HOT! I read today that this is the worst heat wave to hit New Jersey in 20 years, with no relief in sight until Sunday. Great. And I think I'm getting a cold...cough, scratchy throat, heavy eyes...even greater. If there's anything worse than 98 degree weather, it would have to be being sick in 98 degree weather. I just keep reminding myself that I have air-conditioning at home, and I work in an air-conditioned office. It could be much, much worse.

The problem with this weather is that the things I want to each are not the things I'm allowed to eat. I want very little for breakfast...maybe a banana and a Lara Bar, but certainly not eggs or bacon or leftover meat. For lunch I can do a salad, but that means I have to prepare ahead and make one which, the way I'm feeling now, is not happening. I could go for a sandwich, but it's hard to eat a sandwich with no bread. For dinner I want either a big bowl of cereal with cold milk or ice cream. Obviously no-go's. Usually this kind of weather is good only for the fact that it makes me want to eat less. Now, I have to make sure I'm eating enough, but I don't want much of what I'm allowed to have.

This morning I had 2 hard-boiled eggs, a Lara Bar, a banana and some almonds. For lunch I had the last of the salsa chicken (good riddance fire-meat!) and some leftover roasted zucchini, a banana and some almonds. For dinner I stopped at Saladworks and got a make-your-own with grilled chicken, egg, avocado and some vegetables. I had to add the oil and vinegar at home because I once asked, and the oil they use is not olive oil. It was delicious, and probably the only thing I ate all day that I really enjoyed. I would love to have the same thing every night until this heat wave is over, but $9 for a salad is a bit ridiculous.

Anyway, that's about it for today. Sorry that I'm too tired and out of it to have anything deep or insightful to share. I am getting a little impatient with the plan. I want to stay true to what I'm supposed to eliminate, but I'm tired of feeling like I have to eat certain amounts of each thing at each meal, because I just don't always feel like it. I know that there are reasons behind it, and I know that it keeps me from snacking all day, but I am anxious to have some say again in what I eat when. I'm hoping that it's just the heat and this developing cold which are making me so cranky...I don't like me when I'm hot or sick!

Un-PC

I said yesterday that I can be judgmental about people who are overweight...of course I can, and that was the case even at my heaviest weight. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth. I often wonder why I didn't get REALLY fat...now some people might say that I was and, according to my BMI, I was certainly obese. But the heaviest weight of which I am aware is 198 when I first joined WW at, I believe, the age of 15. I do take a certain amount of ridiculous pride in the fact that I never got to 200 lbs. I may have, but I don't know if I did and, therefore, I didn't...right? It seems that whenever I got into the 170/180 range, something would click, and I'd put the breaks on. I don't know why but, if I had to guess, I'd say it was vanity. I didn't want to be what I perceived as REALLY fat...plain ol' fat was bad enough. I don't know if I could physically become morbidly obese. Even during my worst binges, I do have an end point, where I just have to stop or I will be sick. I guess if I binged every day for an extended period of time, it could happen. Luckily something always made me stop. Of course that means that I yo-yo'd for years (and still am.) I'm amazed that I am still able to metabolize anything. I have had the crazy thought, on occasion, that if I were REALLY fat, I could just get surgery. Yes, I have thought that. Just as bad as thinking that I couldn't be anorexic if I wanted to be. You see sometimes, to me, my situation seemed just as bad, if not worse, than being morbidly obese or being anorexic. It sounds crazy when I write it, but I know how I felt when I thought those things and, when I remember those feelings, and how bad it felt to have MY problem, wanting someone else's problem doesn't seem so strange.

I use the word fat a lot. I know that it's totally un-PC, but it's like anyone in a group using a term to describe the group that, if used by someone outside the group, is NOT ok. I am not fat on the outside right now, but I have a fat mind. My normal "resting point" is probably about 175-180 (I'm 5'4".) If I didn't think about what I eat (What? Is that even possible?) and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, I'd eat often, and my choices would not be good. I don't know if it's possible to change that. Maybe, if I got to my ideal (in my mind) weight, and stayed there for, oh, 35 years, it would happen, and I'd have a thin mind, but I doubt it. The only way that I will stay at my ideal weight for that long is if I fight the fat brain EVERY day, the devil on my shoulder. I don't know why that's the case. Sure, in the past maybe I was eating for this or that deep psychological reason, but now I can honestly say that, when I eat, it's because it tastes good. Maybe I'm stressed, or tired, or bored, but often it's just because I want to. Right now I could totally go for a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream (are you noticing a trend in my food cravings?) I am sitting on my couch (my favorite place to be), my dogs are here (some of my favorite company), I just ate a good dinner (spaghetti squash with meatballs), and I'm getting ready to watch the Home Run Derby, which I love. Wouldn't some ice cream make this scenario even better? Wouldn't it taste really good? Yes! Am I stressed or bored? No...maybe a little tired, but from a day spent at the pool with my nieces and nephews...all good! I will not have ice cream. The fat devil will not win today. I might have a peach, or just some seltzer, but I want the ice cream...BECAUSE I WANT IT BECAUSE I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD!! No deep, dark secrets I'm trying to suppress. I just LOVE ice cream!!

Sorry, let me compose myself. Ok, so I use the term fat because I consider myself to be a "fat" person, in that my thought processes are those of a fat person trying to be thin, not of a thin person staying thin. I do censor myself in public, but in my mind it's, "He is fat" or "Wow, she's fat!" No wonder I think that people used to think the same about me.

Today was a hard day to stay true to the W30 idea of 3 meals a day, and it's one reason why I feel that this plan would be hard to follow to a T long-term. The dogs woke me at 5:45 and, by the time I got downstairs, I was starving. I had my Lara Bar and coffee. I had a hair appointment at 10:30, and before that I went to Shop Rite (so much for not grocery shopping this week!) I had not had breakfast, so I bought another Lara Bar, almonds and a cup of cantaloupe, which I ate while in the car and at the hair salon. After my appointment, I took my niece and nephew for pizza. I planned to get a salad with grilled chicken, oil and vinegar, but the place had no grill. I'd seen people there have salads with turkey on it, but cold cuts are tricky, so I had lettuce, tomato, onion and green olives...NOT filling. We got to my house and my sister and nephew were there to go to the pool. I grabbed a handful of almonds and we left. At the pool, the kids had ice cream, and my sister-in-law had sent snacks, none of which I could have. After an hour and a half, it started to thunder, and we had to leave. I was grateful, because I was SO hungry that my back hurt (because my stomach hurt and I felt it go right through.) I heated up some salsa chicken, had too many almonds, and a banana. By the time I ate dinner, I felt like I had been grazing all day, but I was still hungry. Even now, I feel sort of hungry, but I have no idea what to eat. I'm having cravings today for something sweet, so the things I'm eating are not satisfying my craving, and not really filling me up either. This plan is difficult if you're on the go all day, because it's hard to just grab a meal and go...it either requires cooking or lots of Tupperware...no sandwiches, no slices of pizza at the pool, etc. But, I got through the day, and I'm done with Day 22!

Do You "Fat Talk"??

I read an interesting article today. It cited a study done with college-age women which showed that women do not like when other women make disparaging remarks about their own bodies (for example, call themselves fat.) This doesn't surprise me in some ways, because when people do it around me, I feel obligated to try to convince them that it's not true (always a losing battle.) On the other hand, it seems to be something that women do so often, that I would think that we wouldn't be that effected by hearing it from someone else.

The thing I realized is that I "fat talk" more now that I'm NOT fat than I did when I was, and I know exactly why. When I was heavy, "fat talking" would've simply been pointing out the obvious. If I said out loud, "Ugh, I look so fat in this dress", I felt that everyone would turn and look at me (mortifying enough) and think, "Yeah, you do." So I sat by while my thin friends called themselves fat, and never said a word. I wonder if it felt strange to them for me to not commiserate...the article mentions fat talk as a form of female bonding. Or if they stopped to realize how it must sound for them to call themselves fat in front of me? I was, however, able to understand what they meant on some level...when you're thin and then your size 2 jeans don't fit, you freak out. I understood it for them...I was just different. Very different.

Now that I am not fat, I guess I'm in the same category as my thin friends were back then. I am more willing to say that I look or feel fat (although I still don't think I say that I AM fat because, again, been there, done that, know it's not true.) I am more willing to talk about my struggles now, because I'm in a safer place. I do not think that most people who see me think that I am fat. I don't think they think I'm thin either, but that's fine, I just want to be normal. Therefore, I can admit that I gained 14 lbs in 6 weeks and not feel like I'm being judged because, even with that gain, I was still wearing size 6 pants (albeit not ALL of them, and not the least bit comfortably.)

I was looking at bathing suits online today. I wear a size 10 bathing suit. As I was scrolling through one site I thought, "Why are all of these models full-figured?" (and I admit, I didn't use the term full-figured in my head...see, even I'm guilty of being judgemental.) Then I saw that "plus-size" bathing suits are considered size 10 and up. Really?!? I had searched for swimdresses, because one of the bathing suits I just got has a little ruffle-like skirt, and I love it. Apparently, the only people who don't want their entire thigh sticking out are size 10 and up, and we are "plus-sized." My Mom often reminisces about when she was at her thinnest...she was tall and thin, and a size 12 (I think...I know it was double digits.) Something is really screwed up. A size 12 back then was not a size 12 now. They've made small sizes bigger to make us feel better, but then tell me that my size 10 bathing suit is "plus-size." Right after that, I took my size 10 self in my new swimdress to the pool, and my sister-in-law commented that she could tell I'd lost, "a lot of weight." So there, stupid people who decide this stuff!

This will be the last full week of my W30 (but don't worry, I'm not finished there!) I'm not sure if I'll weigh myself, take pictures or measurements on Day 30, or if I'll wait until I'm totally done. Despite what the scale says, I KNOW that my body has changed. I tried on one of the bathing suits that I bought last Sunday that I was thinking of returning. In just a week, it looks a lot better and, dare I say it, my waist looks small??

Easy recipe that I made for dinner tonight (my goal is to not shop this week, and just eat what I have...that's not gonna happen, but I'm still determined to get rid of a lot of stuff without buying much): sauté chunks of chicken in olive oil with some coconut aminos (soy sauce substitute.) Cut sundried tomatoes in half and add to chicken (include the oil the tomatoes are in.) Saute until the chicken is cooked through. YUM! And I didn't think I liked sundried tomatoes...

"God Had to be Fair..."

As a kid, and especially a teenager, I often thought that I would trade my intelligence for beauty any day and, in my mind, being beautiful meant being thin. I grew up in New York and every year in Elementary School we took the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. The highest score was a 99, and that's usually what I got (one time I got a 98, and I was mad...) The only part I remember having difficulty with was the maps and spatial relations ("This is what this cube looks like unfolded. What does it look like folded up?" Who knows, and who cares?) This proves that my horrible sense of direction was inborn, and anyone who knows my parents knows who we can blame for that...Mom??? Anyway, I remember my parents telling me not to tell anyone what my score was, because it would seem like I was bragging. Looking back, I think they meant not to volunteer the information but, being 7, I thought it meant that I wasn't allowed to tell. When friends were discussing their scores, and asked me what I got, I remember saying, "I'm not allowed to tell you." They probably just thought I was weird. At that age, I knew that I did well in school, but I don't think I understood what bragging really was.

When I got older, there were times I remember my Mom telling me that people were jealous of the grades that I got, etc. I could not for the life of me understand why anyone would be jealous of me. You see, I never really thought of getting good grades as a big deal, because it came pretty easily to me. At the same time, I knew that it was something that people, especially adults, valued and, that by talking about it too much, I would be seen as conceited. Even today, at the age of 40, when someone asks me where I went to college, I am uncomfortable saying, "Dartmouth", because I know I will get the response of, "Oh wow!", and I feel like I'm bragging. Now, I didn't run up to this random person and say, "Guess where I went to school!", but that's kind of how it feels. Of course I am extremely proud of my Alma Mater, in the same way that many people are, but it's not because I got in and so-and-so didn't. It's because it's a beautiful school with an incredible history, where I got an amazing education and made wonderful friends. I know that my intelligence is a gift (and again, I feel very uncomfortable writing this, because I feel like I sound so full of myself), but it's not something I've ever been too impressed with, because I didn't have to work that hard at it. It's just me.

Weight-loss, on the other hand, is something that I fight for EVERY DAY (hence, the name of this blog.) When I was growing up, I was jealous of the pretty, skinny, popular girls. When my Mom would tell me that they were probably jealous of me, I figured that she was just trying to make me feel better. I'd think to myself, "I'd trade places with them in a heartbeat." For some reason it seemed to me that, for me, it had to be one or the other. Why did I think I had to trade my intelligence for beauty? Why COULDN'T I be a thin Hermione (although I had no idea who Hermione was back then...she didn't exist)? I also don't feel the least bit self-conscious posting on FB every year, on the day I hit goal, how many pounds I lost and how many years I've kept it off. Why does that not seem boastful? Because it's something I feel I've earned, something I've worked very hard for, and something that didn't come easily for me. My memory is not what it used to be, and I don't know what I'd score on the adult version of the Iowa Test of Basic Skills if there was one (although I'm sure I'd still suck at maps and spatial relations), but I'm pretty sure I've still got most of my marbles. I'm determined though to prove my young self wrong. I don't have to make a deal with the Devil and trade in my brains for beauty. I can, and I will, have them both.

Can't I Just Be A Thin Hermione???

I am cranky, I'm tired, and I have a headache. I want coffee, but I have to be at work by 8 am tomorrow, so drinking coffee at 5 pm is probably not a good idea. Work was busy, but that's life in a pediatric practice...whereas most other people see summer as down time, for us it's probably the busiest time of the year. I was the only doctor working in either office today, and that will become part of the story in a minute. I also made the mistake of asking what my schedule looks like for tomorrow. If everyone shows up (and even if they don't ALL show up) I am on track to see more patients tomorrow than I've EVER seen in one day in my 14 years of practice. Can't think about that...I already have a headache.

Anyway, I woke up in a really good mood, then something happened, which I'll get to in a minute, and then I was in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I put on my happy face for my patients, and was pretty ok, until I met Mr. R. We got a call about a 16 year old with a swollen eye who was being sent over by his pediatrician. The boy and his dad arrived, and from the conversation I overheard at the front desk, Mr. R. didn't have an insurance card, and the kid had not been seen since 1998. Ok, not my problem, his wife faxed it over. I got in the room, and the history my technician had taken was very vague as far as what medicines the kid was taking. Meanwhile, the entire right side of his face was swollen, as was his eye (not swollen shut, the white of the eye was swollen.) I started asking Mr. R. questions to try and figure out what medicines this kid was taking. He just kept talking in circles, giving me no useful information. I guess I didn't hide very well the fact that I have no patience for parents who act as if they just met their child outside the office door on the way in to the appointment. Mr. R. told me that he had driven very far to get to our office (because he works right down the road from our other office...he told me that at least twice), got stuck in traffic and, he knows I'm busy, but he's busy too, and I should call the pediatrician and find out what the kid was on (which I had said I was going to do, and did, because he was useless.) I walk out of the room, said a few not so nice things under my breath, and had my technician call the pediatrician. When I got back in the room, he was a different person, very nice and apologetic, probably because he knew he'd been a jerk. Please people, do your kids a favor, when you take them to the doctor, have some clue as to why they're there, what medicines they're on, what their birthdays are, etc. It's a disservice to them if you don't (if you're kid is on 4 different medicines which clearly are NOT working, and you don't know what any of them are, how am I supposed to help him?), and it makes you look like a fool. And it doesn't help to say, "Oh, my wife handles that stuff." Not being sexist, but...

Anyway, I spoke to the pediatrician, treated the kid for a severe allergic reaction, probably to the drop the pediatrician had put him on, they ended up loving me (as all my patients do), and I have the good fortune of seeing them again tomorrow. I got through the rest of the day unscathed, and now I am finally home. So how did I go from being in a great mood this morning to a pissy mood the rest of the day, when my encounter with Mr. R. didn't occur until about 1:30?? It was the damn scale...another of the Devil's creations.

I have felt great all week. I cut out snacking after dinner, went to the gym 4 times, 3 of them for an hour, I think I look thinner, and my clothes fit better. I was very happy with the way I looked in the outfit I put on this morning, and was excited to see a big weight-loss at WW (I had to weigh-in because I was above my goal last week and had to pay. I will have to weigh-in and pay until I'm within 2 lbs of my goal.) I got on the scale this morning and decided, screw it, I want to know...bad decision. I was down 0.8...POINT EIGHT!! Not even a whole freakin' pound! There went my good mood, and it was gone for the rest of the day. I'm about 4 lbs over my goal (which, if you remember, is 7 lbs more than my original goal), and had to pay again, but that's not the point. If I had lost 2 lbs and had to pay, I'd be fine, which is why I should have just had my leader say, "You're down, but you still have to pay." This is exactly why you are not supposed to weigh yourself during the W30. I had friends who are doing, or have done, a W30 tell me that it doesn't matter as long as I feel good, and I know that's true. I felt great this morning, but that was when I thought I was down 2 or 3 lbs. That 0.8 ruined my day, and I'm pissed that it was able to. I have an idea as to why this week wasn't as good as I thought it would be, so I'm hopeful that next week will be better, but now I'm nervous about getting my hopes up. It sucks that I have to weigh-in again because, at this point, I don't want to go anywhere near a scale until this WholeWhatever is done. I'm also doing the math and thinking that, with what I've lost so far, there is no way that I will lose enough in the next 10 days to get to the 14.7 mark at Day 30 that I hit in April, and I'm even exercising this time. That makes me even more mad at myself for gaining all the weight back.

One good thing to report is my newfound love for roasted carrots. I got this recipe from a friend who is also doing a W30. I don't really like carrots, but last night I ate an entire bag of baby carrots this way! Drizzle them with melted coconut oil and season with salt. Roast for 40 minutes at 400. They are SO sweet and delicious. I'm going to go and put some in the oven right now. Better than eating a bag of Peanut M&M's to drown my misery, right??

Why Blog?

I was first introduced to blogging in 2008, when I was in the process of adopting a child from Kazakhstan. There are tons of adoption blogs, and I kept one of my own. It was through my blog, and reading the blogs of others, that I met many people who had, or were in the process of, adopting from Kazakhstan as well. I consider many of them to be dear friends, even though, in most cases, we've never met in person. I ended up not pursuing the adoption, and I have never gone back and read through my blog. Even though I'm sure that I made the right decision, the memories are bittersweet, and it's not something I choose to talk much about, or that I want to read about right now. I am glad that the blog exists though, because it documents a very important time in my life, a time that had a lot to do with the person I am today.

There is clearly a large audience for adoption blogs, but I used to wonder why people blogged about other things. Recipes, ok, crafts, ok. But who wants to read about someone's life just because she's a stay-at-home mom with 4 kids...my mom was just that for many years, and she didn't write a book about it. In the same way, why would anyone want to read about my struggles with weight? The answer is, maybe they do, maybe they don't, but that's not really the point. Sure, I hope that my story helps someone else who is struggling with overeating (or any other addiction, really), and yes, it would be nice for my ego to think that this was being read by thousands of fans around the world. But in the end, this is all about me.

My adoption blog was the story of 8 months of my life...a very important, pivotal 8 months, but 8 months nonetheless. This blog, although it is focusing on my current W30 (right now), is the story of my life, as I perceive it, and I find writing it very therapeutic. If you asked people to describe me, I'm sure you'd get a wide range of answers: worries too much, helpful, nosy, smart, crazy dog lady, kind, goody two-shoes, doting aunt, responsible, punctual, impatient, etc. If you asked me to describe myself, I'd say shy. That may seem strange to some of you, if you don't know me that well. Academically and professionally I've always been very confident. I've never minded speaking in public, and at WW meetings I never shut up! Socially though, I consider myself to be shy. I remember being out with my best friend when we were probably in our early 20's. We were at a bar and she said to me, "You look like you want to kill someone." What I really wanted to do was go home and hide. In those types of situations, I've always felt like I was being judged, and that I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't funny enough and, of course, wasn't thin enough. My weight, and how it made me feel about myself, has played a huge role in my personality, and the course my life has taken. I said that I lost my weight this time because I didn't want my weight to be "the issue" anymore. What I've learned is that, no matter how thin I am, it will ALWAYS be a HUGE part of my life. The question, do I wish I had always been thin, is a difficult one to answer. Of course I think that my life would've been a lot easier, and in some ways better, than it has been. However, I am very happy with the life I have, and with the person I've become. For better or for worse, this struggle has made me who I am.

I Won, I Won, I WON!!!

Before I share my exciting news, let me tell you how the day started. I woke up sore from Zumba, but I had decided that today would be a day off from the gym anyway. I had to be at work at 12:30, and had a few errands to run before. The dogs woke me up at 5:15 and I had my coffee and Lara bar (more on them later), and then they woke me up about every hour. When it was just Annie and Fred, I would ignore them, but I'm always afraid that Marty will pee, so I take them out every time I hear them...so annoying! Anyway, when I got dressed for work, I put on a pair of capris that a week or 2 ago were wedgie-inducing, but today were comfortable! That made me happy. On the way to Shop Rite, some guy made a left turn in front of me, cutting me off. When I honked, some old guy in the car with him gave me a sarcastic wave...nice. Then, when I was walking into Shop Rite, some crazy lady was screaming at me. She said that when I took my wagon, another wagon started rolling into the street. OK, I didn't see that and even if it did, she wasn't in the street, so what did she care? I told her to relax, she told me to shut up. This day was going great, although I have to say that I let both things go very quickly...not how I would usually react.

Then I got to work, and about a half hour into my day I checked my email on my phone. I had entered a contest on FB to win a Fossil handbag. This company, Maple and West, does a giveaway about once a week of a bag that has been voted on. I've entered maybe 2 or 3 times, but never voted on which bag should be given away. This week I voted, the one I voted on was the one chosen...AND I WON!!! This is the bag and it's being shipped to me by Fed Ex tomorrow. I was/am so excited...I NEVER win ANYTHING! So from then on, the day was great!

I only have 1 Lara Bar left from my original box of Key Lime bars. I was reading online about how, on the W30, Lara bars should be used sparingly, in emergencies, and not to satisfy a sweet tooth. I've already decided to not buy more dried apricots or almond butter, because I was using them as dessert late at night, and that's a habit I need to break. I had decided not to buy more Lara bars, but then they had all different flavors at Shop Rite... I have not let myself have a Lara bar at night. I eat them first thing in the morning, because I am hungry (and I had one today after lunch at work because I had them with me, and I was hungry.) I do not have a sweet tooth at 5:30 in the morning. I used to not even eat before the gym, but now I am supposed to. I decided that, as long as I keep them as a first thing in the morning pre-breakfast/pre-gym thing, then they're ok. So there.

There probably won't be any new recipes this week. I have SO much food that I need to get rid of. Today I had 2 hardboiled eggs and some pineapple for breakfast (at noon...), leftover salsa chicken and black olives for lunch (it wasn't nearly as spicy this time, thank God!), and leftover Italian pulled pork over cauliflower rice and sautéed mushrooms and a hotdog for dinner. I added the hotdog because there wasn't much pork, and I felt like I needed more protein.

Last night I was craving something at about 11. I have no more almond butter, cashews or apricots left, and wasn't going to let myself have a Lara bar. I almost had some blueberries, but then I realized that I wasn't hungry, and all I would be doing was feeding a craving...not helping my psychological response to food. I had some seltzer, and the craving passed. Go me.

"We Must Rescue Ourselves From Ourselves."

When I die, I want to come back as one of my dogs. I took this picture today, right before I went upstairs to get ready for work. These 3 freeloaders were in the middle of their late morning naps...to be followed by their afternoon naps. They are now enjoying their late evening naps. Must be nice! If I were one of my dogs, I'd also have someone paying very close attention to what I eat and making sure that I don't gain too much weight. I am VERY careful about keeping my dogs at a healthy weight. This is especially important for my basset hounds, Annie and Fred. Because of their long backs, it's dangerous for them to be heavy, because it puts a lot of strain on the back. I read once that the best way to ensure a long life for your dog is to keep him at a healthy weight (I bet the same could be said for humans.) I was totally mortified a few years ago when the vet told me that Annie needed to lose 10 lbs. The only things that she eats are the things I give her, so if she was overweight it meant that I was a bad Mommy, and it was all my fault. I got that weight off of her VERY quickly, and she's never put it back on.

All 3 of my dogs are rescues, and I am a passionate supporter of animal rescue and adoption. I will tell their adoption stories at some point for those who've never heard them, but for now I'll just digress for a minute and say PLEASE NEVER, EVER, EVER buy a dog from a pet store. Those dogs come from puppy mills, where their parents live in TERRIBLE conditions. Just don't do it. There are rescues for EVERY breed, and if you want a show-quality dog, find a reputable breeder.

Ok, off my soap box, but I am going somewhere with this. Right after I adopted my 3rd dog, Marty the Beagle, I got myself a necklace with a charm that has a paw print on it and the saying, "We Must Rescue Ourselves From Ourselves." That, for me, is what the W30 is...strict rules for me to follow so that I will stop bingeing on ice cream and fast food. Whatever your self-destructive behavior is, you are the only person who can stop it. When I lost my 40 lbs on WW, one of the things that made it work and stick (for the most part) this time is that I realized that I 100% could do it. There was no wishing or hoping. I often said that, unless someone was sneaking into my room in the middle of the night and feeding me chocolate while I slept, there was no way this could NOT happen if I wanted it to. That was the other key. I wanted it to. I wasn't doing it because my parents or my doctor or my school nurse said I should. I wasn't doing it to get some boy to like me, or to look pretty at my best friend's wedding. Sure I wanted/want to look good, but this time it was because I just wanted to be happy. I realized that I eat because I choose to. Not because someone said something mean to me when I was a kid, or because I had a bad day at work. Maybe those things are true, but I'm not the only person that these things happened or happen to, and not everyone goes home at night and eats a whole pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. If I do, it's ONLY because I choose to. I can also choose not to. That is huge.

I'm starting to feel some of the magic! It started last night when I caught a glance of myself in the mirror. I was wearing leggings and a t-shirt and thought, "Do I look thinner? I think I look thinner!" Now, it's kind of hard to tell when you're wearing a baggy shirt, but something about how I looked was different, and I liked it. Then this morning I was about to sleep through a Zumba class that I'd promised myself I'd try. I had shut off my alarm and fallen back to sleep but, at 9:31, 1 minute later than I'd planned on getting up to get ready, my eyes flew open, I jumped out of bed, got dressed and went. It was hard, but FUN, and I was surprised that I was able to keep up after being inactive for so long. Finally, on the way to work (my 1st day back after 5 days off), I realized that I was happy...not happy to be going back to work, not happy that it was hot out, not happy that I wasn't thrilled with the pork dish I made last night, but just happy...for no real reason. Now this is the W30 I know and love!

PS-Check the Recipe post for the pork recipe. The sauce is really good, and I think the pork was just a bad cut of meat...I'll try it again, but maybe with shredded chicken, or maybe I'll splurge on organic pork from Whole Foods next time.

Bathing Suits: Part 2

I bought 3 new bathing suits today...well, 2 1-piece and 1 tankini top to wear with black bottoms I have. My plan was to reward myself with a new suit before our vacation to LBI in August IF I stuck to my W30/W49orwhateverit'sgoingtobe. I was at the mall today and realized that, by mid-August, there would be very few suits left, and I'd have better luck at finding a new winter coat at that point. The last time I bought bathing suits was 3 years ago, after I lost the 40 lbs. At the time, I bought a tankini, a black bottom, and a few other tankini tops. There are only 2 that I actually wear...1 still has the tags on it. They are either halters, which pull on the back of my neck, or too low-cut for me. I'm also not thrilled with tankinis anymore, because the tops always ride up. I'm happy with the suits I got...although I'll be happier if I can lose another 10-15 lbs... Did I need 3? No, although I plan on never buying bathing suits again for the rest of my life ;) While I was there, there were a few skinny women looking at the bikinis. I wanted to kill them.

I did 30 minutes at the gym this morning, and then ran some errands (including bathing suit shopping.) I have been shopping A LOT lately...maybe more so than usual, since I'm not eating junk??? Could be. Anyway, I have a lot of trips coming up in August so, once I get paid on Friday, I'm putting myself on a strict budget. Not sure what it is yet, or how to even make a budget, but it will be strict! My Mom told me that I'd better hurry up and get lots of shopping in between now and Friday...now do you understand why I don't know how to make a budget??? ;)

Once again, I'm only managing 2 meals today. I had my Lara bar at 5:30 (panic setting in...I only have 3 or 4 more left!), and then didn't eat again until 1:30. I tried to have a bigger meal then, knowing that I'd probably only eat once more. This is not what I'm supposed to be doing...oh well. I finished up the bacon I had, had a HUGE sweet potato with cinnamon and ghee, and some black olives. I would like to buy more bacon, but it's hard to find sugar-free bacon. I got mine from US Wellness Meats, which is a great place to get all kinds of organic meats. The problem is that there is a minimum order of about $70. I wish I knew someone close by who would split an order with me. Anyway, I had another Lara bar at 5 before I headed to the pool to meet my sister-in-law, niece and nephew. I have pork in the crockpot, but if and when I will eat it remains to be seen. The recipe said 6-8 hours on low. I took it out at 7pm, which was 6 hours. There was so much fat on it (even though I had cut off as much of the visible fat as I could), and I couldn't shred it. I'm thinking it wasn't fully cooked yet, so I cut it in chunks and put it back in on high. We'll see.

Today is Day 15. I feel good, but I don't feel particularly energetic or ecstatically happy. Maybe because I didn't feel too bad before? I don't know, or don't remember. I think I'm just more used to it now, so the results aren't as dramatic. Maybe if I had waited a year to do my second W30, it would've felt more like the first. Of course, at the rate I was going, if I'd waited a year, I might very well have weighed 300 lbs...

If God Created Food, then the Devil Created Bathing Suits

I put on a bathing suit today for the first time this summer. It wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. Keep in mind that, after the age of about 10, I never wore a bathing suit without a big t-shirt over it until I was in my early 30's. At that point, I had lost a lot of weight for my best friend's wedding and, when we spent her bachelorette weekend at the shore, I wore...get this...a BIKINI!! Of course I was self-conscious, but looking back at pictures, I looked great! It's doubtful that I'll ever wear a bikini again, but I'm ok wearing a bathing suit in public without a t-shirt (although sometimes I'll wear swim shorts, and am much more comfortable that way.) I still feel like everyone is staring at me and judging my thighs if I walk anywhere, so I try to go from my lounge chair to the pool or ocean as quickly as possible. If someone stopped me and wanted to have a conversation, I think I'd probably have a panic attack. I still consider this huge progress from where I used to be. I hope that one day I'll love how I look in a bathing suit, but realistically that probably won't happen. I did have a bit of a revelation today though. I went to the gym this morning, and then ran a few errands. When I got home, I went into the bathroom and happened to glance at myself in the mirror. I was wearing lycra capris and a fitted tank top, and I looked fine...and I had been wandering around in public that way, and thought nothing of it. Because I looked fine. A girl who spent 75% of her life hiding under big shirts and baggy sweaters running weekend errands in fitted gym clothes...and looking FINE. Pretty cool.

Today was a great day! I had planned on doing 30 minutes at the gym, but then I started watching the Men's Finals at Wimbledon and couldn't pull myself away. 30 minutes turned into 60, and I was psyched about that. I came home and prepped Salsa Chicken to have for dinner, and then went to my pool with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. The chicken was very easy to make, and good if you like spicy. The recipe called for red pepper flakes and cayenne pepper, but said to leave out the cayenne if you don't want it hot. I should've left out all of the pepper, or put in significantly less red pepper. It came out way too spicy for my taste...my mouth was on fire! I'm not throwing it out, because I have a ton left, but I dumped out all the extra liquid in hopes that some of the fire will be extinguished!!

Tonight I watched Silver Lining Playbook...SO good, and highly recommended! Tomorrow starts Week 3, and I would be half-way through if I was only doing a W30. Instead, I'm about 1/3 of the way through. My goal this week is to cut out snacks after dinner. Last night I finished the last 5 dried apricots, and found myself justifying it by saying, "If I eat them now, they won't be here for me to eat tomorrow." That's always been one of my crazy ways to allow myself to overeat junk food, and there is just no (reasonable) logic there. Tonight I decided that I wanted an iced coffee (on W30 it is suggested that you don't drink caffeine after noon...I've never managed to stick to that.) When I was in the car on the way to DD, I thought to myself that, if I wasn't doing a W30, I'd be on the way to Boardwalk for a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream...and I REALLY wanted to go. But I didn't. Clearly I need to continue working on having a healthy psychological relationship with food. That is one goal of the W30, and for me it's definitely the hardest to achieve.

Good Friends and Good Food!

This is what I had for lunch today:

I know, you're jealous. It tasted as good as it looks. I visited my friend Cristina today, because Monday is her 40th birthday. I asked where she wanted to go, and explained that I was doing another W30. She told me the name of the restaurant (Blue Fig in Stony Point...for those from Rockland, there's also one in New City...SO good!), and I looked up the menu online. The dish was grilled shrimp with olive oil and lemon, served over rice and seasonal vegetables. I asked for extra vegetables instead of rice, and got a mix of shredded carrots, zucchini and broccoli. It was delicious!

Breakfast this morning was once again not ideal...some cashews, a Lara bar and coffee. I had to leave by 10 to get to Cristina's house by noon, so I had no time for a sit-down breakfast (well, I would have if I wanted to get up and get ready before 9.) Lunch was perfect, and for dinner I'm having my favorite...crockpot meatballs over cauliflower rice. Here's the big bowl of rice I just prepped (this is one whole head of cauliflower):

I'm getting better at making it in my little food processor, so that I can do it more quickly, and without getting little pieces of cauliflower all over the floor. When I made my meatballs yesterday, I used a whole big can of diced tomatoes instead of 2 cups or whatever the recipe says. Mainly because I didn't want to have any leftover in the can, but also because I wanted some extra liquid to mix into my "rice." I also added some kale to the meatballs, because I need to get rid of it. I think it made the meatballs not stay together as well, but I don't really care about that.

Last night I made Baked Artichoke Chicken. The recipe will be on the Recipes page, along with the modifications I made. It was ok, not great, but very easy. For me, it's good enough for lunch, not dinner. I don't really care what I eat for lunch. I eat breakfast late, so I'm usually not starving for my second meal. I also don't get a lunch break, so I'm just shoving food down between patients. It needs to be edible, and fill me up, that's it. For dinner, on the other hand, I want to be really excited about what I'm going to have...like my meatballs and rice, or even a hamburger, hotdog and baked sweet potato. Things that are quick and ok become lunch meals. Things that I really like become dinner.

I Really Should Be Showering...

"I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome."

I am gross. It is 3:30 pm and I just got home. I left the house at 8 and went to the gym. From there I went straight to WW, then to get my nails done, then to watch my niece and nephew for an hour, then to Shop Rite. Now I'm home, just ate lunch (breakfast??), and I really should go and take a shower, because I can't stand me right now, but I don't feel like moving just yet.

One thing I'm realizing during my second W30 is that, while I'm following the rules, I'm not always following the "spirit" of it. For example, this morning I had a Lara bar at 5:30, another at 11, and a banana at 1, but I just ate my first meal at 3:30. Did I eat anything off plan? No. But I'm not really supposed to snack, and I'm supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day. 2 Lara bars and a banana, spread out over 6 hours, are not a balanced meal. So the question now is, do I eat one more meal today, or two? If I eat two more, "dinner" will probably be at 11 pm. I also caught myself snacking late last night. I'd been on the phone, and then got up to take the dogs out. I was a little hungry, so I took a handful of cashews. One became three, and they are REALLY good mixed with dried apricots. All of this was eaten while standing in front of the pantry in the kitchen. Did I eat anything off plan? No. Did I take the bags of cashews and apricots and finish them on the couch in front of the TV? No. So those are good things, but not perfect. The thing is, I'm ok with that this time. I know that I can do a W30, I don't have to prove to myself that I can. I'm also ok if the weight-loss is a little slower this time, if it allows me to have a Lara bar each morning. I lost 14.7 lbs in 30 days last time, but gained all but a pound of it back in the next 6 weeks. Maybe the way I'm doing it now is more sustainable long-term. We'll see.

I also "cheated" by finding out what I weighed today. I was disappointed in how my weigh-in went: not because of how I did, but because of what was said to me. I have to start by saying that my old leader Bev, whom I adored, left to take a new job about 3 months ago. She was with me from the beginning, and we are friends. My new leader is nice, and fine, but she is VERY hard-core, which is difficult for me to relate to. Anyway, I got on the scale and said that I could very well be over my goal and have to pay...I was fine with that. She had this strange look on her face as she looked at her computer and then said, "You're up 4 lbs..." (keep in mind that the last time I got on the WW scale was June 7th.) I said that that was ok, and handed her my debit card. I explained that I am back on track, and that it was actually much worse a few weeks ago. Then she said, "That's not like you." That's what really annoyed me. She's known me for 3 months, how does she know what's "like me." I said, "Actually, it is." I told Gail, and I think that she was more angry than I was. My feeling was, whatever, I know I'm doing great and what she thinks about me, what anyone thinks about me, is irrelevant. However, there are some people there who are just starting out, or who are in a much more fragile state than I am. To make a statement which comes off as judgmental in a place like WW is dangerous. During the meeting we were talking about mindset and, never one to keep my mouth shut, I raised my hand. I said that, despite the fact that I had gained weight over the past month, I know that, had I weighed in 2 weeks ago, I would've been up even more (I've lost between 5-6 pounds since I started my W30 12 days ago.) I said that I rejoined the gym after 3 months away, am cooking a ton, and making good food choices. I'm in a great frame of mind...that 4 lbs I'm up since June 7th is only a VERY small part of my story. See, you don't know me (I didn't say that, but wanted to!) PS-Bev, if you're reading this, I miss you!!! xoxo

Ok, time to go prep the meatballs and then wash my stinky self. Any ideas on how to handle the meal or meals I'm supposed to eat between now and bedtime would be greatly appreciated!!

Happy 4th of July!

"It's actually pretty simple. Either you do it, or you don't"

I hope you all had a great 4th of July! My day started off at Lowes, where I bought a new washing machine which will be delivered Sunday. Min3 decided to die last night, so it was a good excuse to replace the one that was here when I moved in, which I've always hated. I then made it back to the gym for an abbreviated work out. I wanted a treadmill, but the gym was crowded, and there were none available. I got on this thing that I use often, which is sort of a cross between a Stairmaster and an elliptical. After 25 minutes I was done. My feet were falling asleep (this happens to me when exercising on cardio machines, and it's SO annoying!), and this gym is really hot, so I was sweating like a pig. I was just happy that I got back after 2 days off, and will try to go a little longer tomorrow.

I got home and had a late breakfast of leftovers (avocado basil chicken salad, a chicken kale patty and a Lara bar.) I also had a Lara bar first thing in the morning...damn Lara bars! I then wasted time looking at pictures of bad celebrity plastic surgery...if I had that much money, I would hire someone to make sure I didn't make myself look like a scary clown. When I had sufficiently freaked myself out (Carrot Top anyone???), I went upstairs and took a nap. I had a very restless morning, because I had to clean up pee at 5:30 AM, and then wash rugs in a washing machine that doesn't drain or spin unless I put it on the spin cycle alone 2 or 3 times. I was up and down a lot between 5:30 and 10, so I slept soundly for an hour and a half. Then I showered, fed the dogs, roasted some brussel sprouts, and went to my brother's for dinner. (And, in case your wondering, Marty will be spending the nights in his crate from now on.)

I am very proud of how I handled dinner tonight. My brother texted and invited me over for chicken and ribs that he was cooking in his smoker. I asked him to make a few pieces for me that had no sauce on them. He said the chicken had a rub on it, and the ribs just had salt, pepper and onion or garlic powder (I forget.) I asked him to send me the name of the rub so that I could look up the ingredients. As I expected, the 2nd ingredient was sugar...grrrrr!!! He made some plain chicken and I had that and some ribs. I didn't know what sides they would have, so I offered to make my world famous (according to me) brussel sprouts. I was able to enjoy a delicious 4th of July dinner with my family and stay on plan. Go me!

I just went through my W30 Pinterest board and picked out 3 new recipes to try. I'm also making the crockpot meatballs and cauliflower rice again. I will share the recipes once I'm sure they're worth sharing, and I will type up a few tomorrow (ones from cookbooks that don't have links.) I'm off tomorrow, so I'm going to go to Shop Rite to pick up a few things, and then do some cooking. I love the cauliflower rice so much that I'm going to buy a bigger food processor (next time I get a 30% off coupon from Kohls), because using my little 3 cup one takes forever!

I have to weigh-in at WW tomorrow, because it's the first Friday of July. I have not decided if I'm going to look at my weight or not. I'm not supposed to, but I'm very curious...I should be a good girl and not look...

Where's That Whole30 Happy???

I was not in a good mood today. I know the reason, and am not going to go into it (once again, this is a public blog), but I'm home now, on my couch, and have the next 5 days off, so it's all good. The thing is, if I remember correctly, NOTHING could put me in a bad mood for long during my first W30. I really wish that I had blogged in April, because I keep trying to remember how I felt when, and I just can't. I guess I could look back at my posts on the W30 forum, but I don't think I posted every day...same with FB posts. I probably should just stop trying to anticipate what's going to happen when, and stop comparing then and now. I am eating well, feel good physically, and have been in a good mood for the most part. Maybe there are just some things that annoy me enough that nothing can negate them! The weather may also be playing a role. It was nowhere near this hot and humid in April, and this type of weather just drains the life out of me. Thankfully I don't have to be out in it too often, but walking the dogs is pure torture.

Today was a pretty routine day. I woke up with the dogs at 4:45 because I heard Marty...too late, he had already peed :/ Took them out, fed them, cleaned up the pee, and made myself a cup of coffee. I was starving, so I took a Lara bar up to bed with me, along with my coffee. The plan was to go back to sleep until 8 and then go to the gym. That didn't happen. It didn't happen yesterday either. I went Sunday and Monday and, since I'm off for the next 5 days, I figured there was no need to go on one of the 2 days this week when I had to work. That's fine now, but eventually I will have to go before work. I will really miss my lazy, relaxing mornings. I need to stop seeing the gym as a negative, which is taking away my relaxation, and instead see it as something which is giving me back my stamina and strength, and the toned body I used to have.

I went to work and had chicken kale patties for "breakfast" at noon (bad, very bad...sorry, I don't like to eat a big meal too early.) Then I had avocado basil chicken salad for lunch with cut up green peppers at about 3, but I just wasn't really hungry, and only ate about half of it. I got home at 7, walked and fed the dogs, and now I am sitting here blogging. I need to eat dinner, but I'm just not that hungry. Who am I??? (BTW, all of these recipes are on the Recipes post.)

So today was ok W30-wise, not so great mood-wise. I think another thing that is bothering me is that I'm realizing that I'm not really on Day 10 with 20 left to go, since I plan on continuing until at least August 10th. What I need to remind myself is that, when I "stopped" last time, it was a total disaster. August 10th might be the last day that I am totally strict, but I need to figure out a way to continue eating this way with some OCCASIONAL modifications. It's kind of scary, since I couldn't do it last time, and kind of depressing (no daily peanut butter shake floats with vanilla ice cream...)

Not All Flowers and Rainbows

I had a GREAT experience during my first W30, and I told anyone who would listen (including anyone who would read my status updates on FB) about how great I felt. However, I want to make sure that anyone in the middle of their first W30, or thinking about starting one, knows that it's not all easy and wonderful. It's hard...not "I can't do this" hard, but rather, "I have to want this more than I want ice cream" hard. It's a lot of work, especially for someone who strongly dislikes cooking (my parents taught me that I shouldn't hate anything.) It takes a lot of planning, and when you have other things going on (work, kids, pets, a household to run), you don't have a lot of time to leisurely browse through cookbooks, or meander through the grocery store looking at exotic vegetables, or spend an hour or two each afternoon preparing a gourmet meal. The thing is, you don't need to do any of those things, but you do need to spend at least some time looking for new recipes, reading labels and cooking. This is NOT a fast-food friendly meal plan.

You will also not always feel great physically or mentally. Remember that I had a headache EVERY SINGLE Day 2. Bad headaches. You will be hungry, but the great thing is that, if you are, you are supposed to eat more! You are not expected to just be hungry because, well, you ate all you were "allowed" to eat. If you need to snack, do so, but then figure out what and/or how much more you need to eat at your next meal so that you won't feel the need to snack. You don't have to count anything or weigh anything. You just need to eat the proper things in the proper proportions, and adjust amounts as needed (within reason, of course.) You will be cranky. You will be tired. You will stare longingly at a bowl of Doritos at your nephew's birthday party, and then panic momentarily when you worry that maybe you ate some and can't remember (yes, really.) You will dream about food. You will feel sad when you realize that having a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream every day of the year is not really a good idea.

The thing is, being overweight is hard. Not fitting in your clothes is hard. Not wanting to wear a bathing suit at the beach is hard. Not being happy with yourself is hard. Been there, done that. I'd rather have to spend a Sunday cooking, because the W30 will get easier. You will figure out what you can and can't buy and how much you need to eat. Your headache will go away, and one day you will realize that you are happy...for no particular reason. You will still be sad about the peanut butter shake floats with vanilla ice cream, but you'll live.

So what about today's food? Breakfast was a 3 egg omelet with onions, spinach and mushrooms. I splurged on an omelet mix of pre-cut veggies at Whole Foods on Saturday, and it has been totally worth it. The one mistake God made when He created the universe is that vegetables don't grow pre-cut. Lunch was leftover mushroom cauliflower chicken soup and a Lara Bar (I've decided that I should probably not buy Lara Bars anymore...they are REALLY good, and I could definitely get in trouble with them.) Dinner was my new favorite meal: my crockpot meatballs with cauliflower rice. This time I sautéed mushrooms with garlic and oil and dumped the cauliflower rice in...OMG!! I am in a bit of a panic because I am quickly running out of meatballs and cauliflower rice. Good thing I have a 5 day weekend coming up.

One last thing: I would love to know who is reading this blog, so please just leave a comment now and then, letting me know who you are and that you're there :)

Reflecting on Week One

The dogs are at the groomer, and I'm taking advantage of them being gone by cleaning and blogging. I've been thinking about how the first week of my second W30 went, and what I can do to make the next few weeks better. First of all, last week was basically "fly by the seat of my pants." I had nothing prepared, little food in the house, and just made do with what I had. If this had been my first W30, I don't think I would've made it through last week. Everything you read about doing a W30 stresses that planning and preparation are key. I would not recommend that anyone decide at 9:30 pm to start a W30 the following day. This weekend I was able to look up recipes, shop, and I spent most of yesterday, and will spend part of today, cooking for the week. I feel much more relaxed and excited about the foods I will be eating...mainly because I KNOW what I will be eating.

Second, my first W30 was more difficult at first than this one is, but it was also more exciting and fun. I signed up again for the Whole30 Daily emails but, unlike the first time, when I read and absorbed every word, this time I just skim through them. It's like, I read this already, I know this already. I still like clicking the link at the bottom that says I survived another day, so that makes it worth the $4.95. I also am not sure if I feel different yet, and I definitely don't think I look different. I haven't weighed myself (not allowed), but I doubt I've lost any weight. I know it's only been a week, but considering how poorly I was eating before, I kind of expected the weight to just fall off. I can't remember how long it took to notice a difference in my body last time, or my mood for that matter. All I remember is that I lost 14.7 lbs by the end, and I want that...NOW.

I'm also being a little more lenient with what I eat when. Yesterday I had a handful of cashews before the gym, but didn't eat "breakfast" until 1pm! I had a Lara Bar at about 4, then a bowl of the mushroom cauliflower soup at about 7. An hour later I was starving, so I had another bowl of soup. An hour later I was starving again, so I had a tsp of almond butter. A few minutes later I was starving again. Then I realized that I'd only eaten 2 meals all day, so I had 3 of the crockpot meatballs for "dinner" at 10:30. An ideal W30 day is breakfast as soon as you wake up, then lunch and dinner with no snacks. Clearly I did not follow those rules yesterday, and because of that I felt hungry on and off all night, and ate dinner when I should've been going to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY happy to be doing this W30, or W49, whatever it's going to be. I'm proud that I got through my first weekend, which included my nephew's birthday party, where I passed on pizza, cake and chips. I feel much more in control, which always puts me in a good mood (can we say "control freak"?? ) What I'm trying to use to motivate me this time is exercise. I told you that I didn't exercise at all during my first W30, and I wondered how my results would have differed if I had. Now, I'm excited to find out!

Just a quick update on the chicken patties and meatballs I posted yesterday, which have been added to my Recipe post: both were good, meatballs were great! I apparently don't like rosemary, and will leave it out of the chicken patties next time. All of my opinions and modifications to the recipes I post are included next to the link for them.

Finally, to my friend who is starting her first W30 today, I'm so excited for you, and happy to have someone with me the rest of the month. And to my friend who finished a W35 a few weeks ago and is now maintaining a W30/Paleo diet for the most part, despite it being SO hard at times...you rock, and you will be MY inspiration when I finish this!! Happy Monday everyone!