Good Enough As Is

I had pretty much forgotten that I had a blog, but driving to work today I had this overwhelming desire to write. As I drove home from work I tried to figure out what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it. The problem with this blog is that it is a public blog, not a private journal. That means that what I write has to be at least somewhat coherent, and filtered enough to maintain my privacy on some level. Obviously some of you know me very well, others don't know me at all. I hope that you can take something from this, no matter how much of my backstory you really know.
I am on week 5/6 of my 8 week 5K training program, and signed up for 2 other races in addition to the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving. The first is on Sunday 10/27. I was worried that if I finished training in the middle of October and didn't have a race for a month I would stop running, and I don't want to do that this time. The last time I wrote I mentioned how I need to have goals to work towards, otherwise I get bored. I'm starting to wonder if those goals are a way of saying to myself, "you're still a work in progress...you can be better...you will be better." Is it a way of not having to accept myself as I am today, because tomorrow I will be closer to my goal (whatever it happens to be), and therefore "better."
Over the past few days, I've been confronted with the idea that I might be just fine...quirks, extra pounds, glasses, dorky sense of humor and all. I was saying to my best friend today that the age 1-35 Rose has a VERY hard time believing that, because it just never seemed to be the case back then, and when I thought it was, I turned out to be wrong. The age 35-40 year old Rose thinks, "why not?" The problem is that I've known that other Rose for a MUCH longer time, and her voice is still the louder one. If I look in the mirror and think I look pretty, I feel very uncomfortable, like I'm either hallucinating or being too full of myself. I wish that I could float outside of my body...outside of my head...and see myself the way others see me. The problem is that many of the compliments I receive are from people I know and love. It's not that I don't trust them, but I don't know that they can be objective.
I am finding that my sense of self-worth is still very much dependent on what others think of me, even though I thought I was past that. More than that, I am finding that I cannot truly believe that someone who I don't know that well, and whose opinion I value, might think that I'm just fine as is. I feel like my intuition has been so wrong in the past that I can't trust it now. Being objective is not always possible, and again, the people who might tell me that I'm right are people who may be speaking from a place of love and not brutal honesty.
I know this might make very little sense, but the bottom line is that I'm happy, and life is good. I think it has the potential to be even better if I just stop thinking so much...that has always been my problem. I need to get out of my own way.

Well, Hello Again!

So, it's been a really long time since I've written (my Dad hates it when I start a sentence with the word "so"...sorry Dad!) You might be able to guess that I haven't written because there was nothing very good to write about. I know that I shouldn't only blog when I'm in control, but it's hard to write about bad times when you're in the middle of them. I'm more than happy to go back and admit to all of the mistakes I've made now that I feel back in control, but while I'm making those mistakes, I don't want to think about, talk about, write about, or acknowledge them in any way. When I do, I do so in very general terms..."I pigged out last night", "I binged", "I ate WAY too much!" I won't ever say, "I had dinner and then went out and got Taco Bell and ice cream", because that's just too humiliating (and yes, that did happen.)

I am extremely goal-oriented. I realized that after I was done with school I needed to find other things to work towards in order to keep myself interested. Getting to goal or making lifetime at WW is a goal. Losing 10 lbs isn't...not for me, I don't know why. Right now I am 10 lbs over my goal at WW, which means that I'm back to paying. I'm about 20 lbs more than the weight I maintained for about 2 years after making lifetime (I've increased my goal by 7 lbs since then, not because I wanted to, but because I was allowed to, and didn't want to pay. I can't increase it anymore than it is now.) I don't feel the need to be 20 lbs less than I am now, but 10 absolutely, and 15 ideally. That is not motivating enough for me, because it seems like a passive goal, like I need to STOP doing something, namely eating, to achieve it. I do have the goal of tracking my food and staying within my points, but again, it's not that exciting.

2 years ago I trained for my first 5k using the Couch to 5K app (C25K), and ran one on New Year's Day, 2012. I never ran again. A friend who did the same and ran her first race a few months before me just ran a 20K this past weekend and looks amazing!! When I ran my race, I was SO proud of myself! I always thought that runners were "real" athletes, and I never in a million years thought I could run...in high school I could barely walk around the track without getting terrible pain in my calves. I actually framed the bib I wore during my 5k and hung it on the same wall in my office as all of my diplomas...it means that much to me. Last week, sort of on a whim, I signed up for a Turkey Trot 5k, and on Saturday I restarted C25K. It stinks to have to start all over, but I am LOVING how I feel during and after my workout. I especially love that it's only 30 minutes long! I'm so excited for the race, and my plan is to continuing running after it's over. I may never do more than a 5k but, for someone who once weighed close to 200 lbs, I'd say that's pretty damn good!