Last night at our HSM meeting, we were asked to write down goals, why we wanted to accomplish them, and what behaviors we would change to make those goals happen. I decided to do something similar here, to try and hold myself more accountable.
1) Significantly decrease the amount of processed foods in my diet. I know I should be more specific with this, but I don't do well with the term "eliminate." I'm going to limit myself right now to one Diet Coke a day with dinner (unless I'm out, in which case I will be more lenient). I am not going to bring sweets into my home, unless I am hosting a party. I will let myself have a piece of cake, etc. if I'm at a gathering at someone else's house. I am going to begin transitioning from flavored creamer in my coffee to unsweetened almond coconut milk. This will be a process. I will do the best I can.
2) Take a yoga class 1-2 times a week.
3) Do some type of strength training 3x a week.
4) Try a Les Mills Body Pump class, to see if I want to purchase the home kit.
5) Run 3 miles 2x a week (until March, when I will begin training for my next half marathon).
6) Walk 3 miles with Marty as often as I can.
7) Use my recumbent bike on cardio days when I am unable to walk/run outside or get to the gym.
8) Switch my gym membership from Retro to Planet Fitness.
9) Run my 3rd half marathon on Sunday, June 14th in Philadelphia, PA. This is the same race I ran this past June (my first half). I had the most amazing experience, and am excited to do it again! The half I ran in October left a bad taste in my mouth. I had a great weekend in NH with my best friend, but training during the summer was awful, the race course was extremely challenging, and I walked a lot. I want to redeem myself!
10) Be at my goal weight of 142-145 when I attend my 20th college reunion the weekend of June 19-21.
11) Try new foods and recipes (I HATE to cook, but love my crockpot!)
12) Grocery shop once a week with a plan...foods I need to prepare healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners for the work week.
13) Prepare 1-2 dishes on the weekends which I can heat up and have for dinner during the week.
14) Limit my eating out to 1x per work week, and on weekends.
15) Continue to attend HSM meetings once a week, HSM maintenance meetings once a month, and weigh in at WW once a month.
16) Drink at least 24 oz of water a day. I know I need to drink much more than this, but since I basically drink none, it's a start.
17) Limit binge eating to no more than 2x a month, with the ultimate goal being to eliminate it completely.
18) Continue the work I began this year, which is helping me to uncover the reasons for my bingeing, and to develop better ways of dealing with unpleasant feelings and emotions.
19) Work on being kinder to myself. Remind myself that I am worthy of respect, attention, love, and effort, both from myself, and from those I allow to be in my life.
I would've liked to end on a #20, but I can't think of anything else. If you think it would help, feel free to leave your goals in the comment section. Have a safe, fun New Year's Eve, and may 2015 bring you everything you wish, and work, for!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
Goodbye 2014
Today was not the greatest of days. I woke up with a sore throat, so I slept as late as I could before I had to get ready for work. I had hoped to do either a 3 mile walk or kettle bell swings before work, and the other after. I did nothing. I did weigh myself this morning, and was up 4.2 lbs since last Monday. I know that some of it is water weight, plus all the parties and meals out this past week are definitely not normal. However, it was hard to allow myself to skip a workout on a day when the scale was up so much.
I have a very hard time letting myself rest. I am very hard on myself, and expect a lot. Someone suggested I call out sick to work. That's not something I do. I've worked at this practice for 7+ years, and have been out sick once, and that's because I coughed so hard that I thought I'd cracked a rib, and had to go for an X-ray. I don't have the kind of job where someone can pick up the slack, or the work can just wait until the next day. None of the doctors in our practice call out sick. Trying to reschedule a whole day's worth of patients is a nightmare, and you just end up making more work for yourself when they have to be double-booked. It's not worth it.
I also have a hard time letting myself skip exercise because I'm sick. It's a blessing and a curse that, when I get sick, I just get colds...no fever, nothing that requires medicine. My thinking, and that of others I'm sure, is "it's just a cold...suck it up." A cold doesn't warrant a day spent in bed. Even if I were to try that, who would walk and feed the dogs, pick up my medicine, etc? I pull up my big girl panties and carry on. Today, as I was debating a power yoga class tonight, or some kettle bell swings, I kept asking myself, "Are you really sick, or just being lazy?" It took 2 friends telling me to rest, and stop trying to be Super Woman, for me to listen. Even now, I'm sitting here thinking about everything I need to do before work tomorrow...dogs, gym, buy stuff to make for a New Year's Eve party I'm going to (not sure when I'll be making it, but it's been downgraded from something I need to bake to a dessert dip, due simply to a lack of time and energy.)
I'm trying to look at the positives of the past week. I tracked EVERYTHING, and got in exercise every day (other than today.) I was great today, avoiding a table full of Christmas dessert leftovers at work. However, I had pizza for dinner, and am snacking on homemade rugelach that a friend gave me for Christmas. Thank God she only gave me 5...I ate 3, and I don't think that the other 2 are long for this Earth. What's hard is that I realized today that I'm now 3 lbs HEAVIER than I was 5-6 weeks ago, when I printed out the HSM weight tracker, and started trying to lose about 12-14 lbs. That's really discouraging. I feel like I've made some great strides in my behaviors, but I've still managed a net weight gain.
I have very mixed feelings about this year being over. In some ways it was a great year, and in others it totally sucked. Last week I thought I'd be glad to see it go, and now I'm surprised at how mixed my feelings are. Obviously it's ending, whether I want it to or not. I hope that, at this time next year, I will look back at 2014 as a major turning point for me. That the good things that happened will be springboards to even better things. That the bad things that happened will have taught me valuable lessons. That the confidence I've gained will allow me to take major risks next year, and that those risks will pay off. That the hurt I've felt will remind me what I deserve, and what I will not stand for. I hope I continue to ask myself the difficult questions, and come up with answers. I pray for a healthy, happy, exciting, and wonderful 2015. I wish the same for you too.
I have a very hard time letting myself rest. I am very hard on myself, and expect a lot. Someone suggested I call out sick to work. That's not something I do. I've worked at this practice for 7+ years, and have been out sick once, and that's because I coughed so hard that I thought I'd cracked a rib, and had to go for an X-ray. I don't have the kind of job where someone can pick up the slack, or the work can just wait until the next day. None of the doctors in our practice call out sick. Trying to reschedule a whole day's worth of patients is a nightmare, and you just end up making more work for yourself when they have to be double-booked. It's not worth it.
I also have a hard time letting myself skip exercise because I'm sick. It's a blessing and a curse that, when I get sick, I just get colds...no fever, nothing that requires medicine. My thinking, and that of others I'm sure, is "it's just a cold...suck it up." A cold doesn't warrant a day spent in bed. Even if I were to try that, who would walk and feed the dogs, pick up my medicine, etc? I pull up my big girl panties and carry on. Today, as I was debating a power yoga class tonight, or some kettle bell swings, I kept asking myself, "Are you really sick, or just being lazy?" It took 2 friends telling me to rest, and stop trying to be Super Woman, for me to listen. Even now, I'm sitting here thinking about everything I need to do before work tomorrow...dogs, gym, buy stuff to make for a New Year's Eve party I'm going to (not sure when I'll be making it, but it's been downgraded from something I need to bake to a dessert dip, due simply to a lack of time and energy.)
I'm trying to look at the positives of the past week. I tracked EVERYTHING, and got in exercise every day (other than today.) I was great today, avoiding a table full of Christmas dessert leftovers at work. However, I had pizza for dinner, and am snacking on homemade rugelach that a friend gave me for Christmas. Thank God she only gave me 5...I ate 3, and I don't think that the other 2 are long for this Earth. What's hard is that I realized today that I'm now 3 lbs HEAVIER than I was 5-6 weeks ago, when I printed out the HSM weight tracker, and started trying to lose about 12-14 lbs. That's really discouraging. I feel like I've made some great strides in my behaviors, but I've still managed a net weight gain.
I have very mixed feelings about this year being over. In some ways it was a great year, and in others it totally sucked. Last week I thought I'd be glad to see it go, and now I'm surprised at how mixed my feelings are. Obviously it's ending, whether I want it to or not. I hope that, at this time next year, I will look back at 2014 as a major turning point for me. That the good things that happened will be springboards to even better things. That the bad things that happened will have taught me valuable lessons. That the confidence I've gained will allow me to take major risks next year, and that those risks will pay off. That the hurt I've felt will remind me what I deserve, and what I will not stand for. I hope I continue to ask myself the difficult questions, and come up with answers. I pray for a healthy, happy, exciting, and wonderful 2015. I wish the same for you too.
Monday, December 22, 2014
High boundaries, Low expectations, Open heart
I had a major shift in the way I view my weight-loss journey this week. Funny how after 5 years of maintenance, I still consider it a "weight-loss journey." I guess it's because weight is such a fluid thing. It would be great if once you got to your goal weight, it just stuck...kind of like your height. But it doesn't. It's also a journey, because what worked a year ago might not work now. You are your own science experiment. You read things, you hear things, you see things, and you try them out to see if they work.
About a month ago I started listening to the Half Size Me podcasts (free on iTunes, HIGHLY recommended!) In that short time, I have listened to 143 1-hour episodes, and am almost caught up...episode 150 was released today. At first I saw them as inspirational stories of people who had lost, in most cases, much more weight than I had. However, the more I listened, the more I learned, and the more I started shifting my thinking, and my behaviors. The biggest thing I got from HSM is the knowledge that I am a binge eater, and that I don't want to be. It's not something I'd ever given too much thought. I just thought that I liked to eat, so I did...a lot. I figured it wasn't a problem, since I'd lost my weight, and kept it off for the most part. What I've realized is that my reasons for bingeing go much deeper than a simple love of food. I am at a point in my life where I want to cut the cord. I want to deal with the issues, rather than feed them. It's a pretty powerful realization to have at 41 years old, but it's also extremely liberating. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I can choose to no longer be a slave to food, and that is the choice I have made.
I lost 2.1 lbs this week, and I have to say that it was the easiest weight I've lost in a long time. What I mean by that is that I didn't worry or obsess, I ate pizza, cookies, frozen yogurt and a bagel. When I weighed myself this morning, I couldn't remember how much I'd weighed last Monday, so I didn't know what my results were until I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal (MFP). I knew it had been a good week though, and that's what really mattered. The HSM podcasts have changed my thinking tremendously. I realize that the scale is, in many ways, a useless tool for measuring success. My clothes fit better, my exercise routine is going well, I'm tracking religiously, and most days I eat at a calorie deficit. Those are the things that matter, and the weight loss will follow. If it doesn't, it's because I'm gaining muscle, and that's great too!
I had a few NSV's (non-scale victories) this week: I fit into a pair of pants that Toni had given to me in October when she cleaned out her closet. They were tight then, but really nice, so I took them. On Saturday I was able to wear them to work! On Friday night I delayed a major binge by walking Marty, having pizza for dinner (which I tracked), and listening to podcasts. I did eat baking chips when I woke up after falling asleep on the couch, but I tracked them. I realized that when I fall asleep on the couch, I often wake up looking for something sweet. Sure enough, the next night the same thing happened. This time, the left over baking chips were in the garbage, and I had some diet coke instead. Score! Saturday was a very stressful day from beginning to end. When I got home from work, I did some kettle bell swings, which really improved my mood, had a dinner that made me happy and full, talked to a friend on the phone, and relaxed. No binge!!
Yesterday I went to Walmart and bought myself a 30 lb kettle bell. The 15 lb one I bought a few weeks ago is now too light for 2-hand swings. It's hard to spend money on myself at this time of year, but I'm getting stronger, and I need to reward myself for that, and keep challenging myself. I have to say that switching over from WW points plus to calorie counting on MFP has been incredible for me! Tracking is no longer a chore, the app works much better than etools (including the scanner...SO MUCH BETTER), and I love having a break down of nutrition. I never realized how little protein I was eating, and getting in more has been a major focus. I also like knowing if I've gone over with sodium or sugar...it's taken the focus away from just how much I'm eating, and put it more on what I'm eating. I actually changed my goal from losing 1 lb a week to 0.5 lbs a week. I was having a hard time hitting a 500 calorie per day deficit, and didn't like constantly seeing that I was over my goal for the day. There is really no hurry, and I know I'm burning calories that aren't noted when I use my kettle bell. Now my goal is a 250 calorie a day deficit, which is much easier, and I don't constantly feel like I'm "failing".
The thing I'm trying to work on that is not food-related is to keep my boundaries high, and my expectations low. I need to learn to say no to people, even if it's simply because I don't WANT to do what they are asking, not necessarily because I CAN'T. I need to treat people the way I feel I should treat them, but not expect that they will necessarily treat me with as much kindness and consideration. If they don't, I can either continue the relationship, or not. What I can't allow myself to do is to continue the relationship, but feel resentment towards them for not treating me the way I want to be treated. When I say that I need to keep my boundaries high, I don't mean put up walls to keep people out. I mean that I need to prioritize my time, my needs, and my life. If I give of myself too freely, then others will expect that I will always be available. That is not their fault, it is mine. I read a quote that sums up perfectly what I'm working on these days: "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect." The best way to demand respect from others is to show respect for myself. That's a major goal of mine for 2015.
About a month ago I started listening to the Half Size Me podcasts (free on iTunes, HIGHLY recommended!) In that short time, I have listened to 143 1-hour episodes, and am almost caught up...episode 150 was released today. At first I saw them as inspirational stories of people who had lost, in most cases, much more weight than I had. However, the more I listened, the more I learned, and the more I started shifting my thinking, and my behaviors. The biggest thing I got from HSM is the knowledge that I am a binge eater, and that I don't want to be. It's not something I'd ever given too much thought. I just thought that I liked to eat, so I did...a lot. I figured it wasn't a problem, since I'd lost my weight, and kept it off for the most part. What I've realized is that my reasons for bingeing go much deeper than a simple love of food. I am at a point in my life where I want to cut the cord. I want to deal with the issues, rather than feed them. It's a pretty powerful realization to have at 41 years old, but it's also extremely liberating. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I can choose to no longer be a slave to food, and that is the choice I have made.
I lost 2.1 lbs this week, and I have to say that it was the easiest weight I've lost in a long time. What I mean by that is that I didn't worry or obsess, I ate pizza, cookies, frozen yogurt and a bagel. When I weighed myself this morning, I couldn't remember how much I'd weighed last Monday, so I didn't know what my results were until I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal (MFP). I knew it had been a good week though, and that's what really mattered. The HSM podcasts have changed my thinking tremendously. I realize that the scale is, in many ways, a useless tool for measuring success. My clothes fit better, my exercise routine is going well, I'm tracking religiously, and most days I eat at a calorie deficit. Those are the things that matter, and the weight loss will follow. If it doesn't, it's because I'm gaining muscle, and that's great too!
I had a few NSV's (non-scale victories) this week: I fit into a pair of pants that Toni had given to me in October when she cleaned out her closet. They were tight then, but really nice, so I took them. On Saturday I was able to wear them to work! On Friday night I delayed a major binge by walking Marty, having pizza for dinner (which I tracked), and listening to podcasts. I did eat baking chips when I woke up after falling asleep on the couch, but I tracked them. I realized that when I fall asleep on the couch, I often wake up looking for something sweet. Sure enough, the next night the same thing happened. This time, the left over baking chips were in the garbage, and I had some diet coke instead. Score! Saturday was a very stressful day from beginning to end. When I got home from work, I did some kettle bell swings, which really improved my mood, had a dinner that made me happy and full, talked to a friend on the phone, and relaxed. No binge!!
Yesterday I went to Walmart and bought myself a 30 lb kettle bell. The 15 lb one I bought a few weeks ago is now too light for 2-hand swings. It's hard to spend money on myself at this time of year, but I'm getting stronger, and I need to reward myself for that, and keep challenging myself. I have to say that switching over from WW points plus to calorie counting on MFP has been incredible for me! Tracking is no longer a chore, the app works much better than etools (including the scanner...SO MUCH BETTER), and I love having a break down of nutrition. I never realized how little protein I was eating, and getting in more has been a major focus. I also like knowing if I've gone over with sodium or sugar...it's taken the focus away from just how much I'm eating, and put it more on what I'm eating. I actually changed my goal from losing 1 lb a week to 0.5 lbs a week. I was having a hard time hitting a 500 calorie per day deficit, and didn't like constantly seeing that I was over my goal for the day. There is really no hurry, and I know I'm burning calories that aren't noted when I use my kettle bell. Now my goal is a 250 calorie a day deficit, which is much easier, and I don't constantly feel like I'm "failing".
The thing I'm trying to work on that is not food-related is to keep my boundaries high, and my expectations low. I need to learn to say no to people, even if it's simply because I don't WANT to do what they are asking, not necessarily because I CAN'T. I need to treat people the way I feel I should treat them, but not expect that they will necessarily treat me with as much kindness and consideration. If they don't, I can either continue the relationship, or not. What I can't allow myself to do is to continue the relationship, but feel resentment towards them for not treating me the way I want to be treated. When I say that I need to keep my boundaries high, I don't mean put up walls to keep people out. I mean that I need to prioritize my time, my needs, and my life. If I give of myself too freely, then others will expect that I will always be available. That is not their fault, it is mine. I read a quote that sums up perfectly what I'm working on these days: "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect." The best way to demand respect from others is to show respect for myself. That's a major goal of mine for 2015.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Whatever Opens Us
"Whatever opens us is never as important as what opens."
I had a few non-scale victories (NSV) this week. I'm trying to focus more on those than on the number on the scale. That being said, I was down 2.1 lbs this week. However, that was probably more due to the fact that I had eaten a ton the night before I weighed myself last week, than that I had a great week this week. I had some great days, and some terrible days, and a few in between. I consider last week a good week more because of the NSVs than because of that 2.1 lb "loss".
I got my Fitbit One last Thursday, and set it up right away. The next day I started tracking calories on My Fitness Pal rather than points on WW etools. My Fitbit and MFP sync with each other, and the Fitbit links via Bluetooth to my phone. I love not having to plug it in to my computer (which is so slow that I rarely use it.) To lose a pound a week, I'd need to have a calorie deficit of 3500 calories, or 500 per day. That rarely happens, but I aim for SOME type of deficit most days.
I had a strange NSV yesterday...I allowed myself to buy cans of Diet Coke to have in the house. A year or 2 ago, I gave it up for Lent, and then just decided to not buy it anymore. I would have it at restaurants or other people's houses, but drank seltzer at home. Sunday, I had lunch out and had a diet coke, and bought another bottle to bring home. That night I remembered that I had it when I was at the point in the night where I start looking for "something", and I was so excited! Yesterday morning I decided that, while I'm really trying to get my binge eating under control, there is no reason to deny myself something that I enjoy, which has zero calories! I hope to move more towards clean eating, and at some point Diet Coke may have to leave my life again. For now though, I have to prioritize, and if Diet Coke takes the edge off and prevents a binge or two, it's a compromise I'm happy to make!
I was off yesterday, and did a lot of prepping. Not only did I bake 3 batches of cookies to freeze for Christmas, but I made crockpot oatmeal and crockpot rice and beans for the week. They are both recipes I made about 2 weeks ago, but I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, as long as I don't have to cook! I'm also working on being more flexible with my workout schedule. I tend to feel guilty if I don't do what my schedule says, which is pretty dumb, since I wrote it! Saturday I was supposed to go to yoga, but went for a 3+ mile walk with Marty instead. Same for Sunday. Yesterday I was supposed to do 20 min on my bike, 20 min of kettle bells, and yoga. I did a 3+ mile walk with Marty and k bells. I'm definitely not slacking, just doing what I want to do, rather than what is written down on a piece of paper. I'm taking advantage of the mild December weather to get out and walk, and tiring out a rambunctious beagle in the process...win-win!!
The big thing I'm working on mentally is staying more even and centered, and not letting things get me too high or low. You can do all this work, and THINK you've made progress, but until you are faced with a situation, you're never really sure how your intentions will translate into reality. This morning I was tired, and I'm fighting a cold. I planned on making some gluten-free cookies for my Mom for Christmas, and was supposed to do a 3 mile run. I thought that maybe I'd stay home and do the bike instead, but I know how good I feel after I run, and had to get some things at the store anyway, so I went to the gym. Shortly after my run, annoyances crept into my day, and I was thankful that I was still on my adrenaline high. While I wasn't able to let things completely go, I allowed myself to feel upset, but continue on with my day as I had planned it. It's what I'd been hoping I'd be able to do if confronted with things that upset me, and I did. That's a huge step in the right direction!
Finally, I got such a nice compliment at work today. A mom brought her son in, and on the schedule it said that she was an internist, and initially only wanted to see one of the ophthalmologists. Then she called back and asked to see me. When I went in the room, she said that I had examined her receptionist's 2 daughters, and that the woman couldn't say enough good things about me. You have no idea how much that means! Usually all we hear about are the ones who are not happy, so to get compliments, especially from an MD, is such a great feeling!
Anyway, today is a good day. What I'm learning is that I cannot control every situation in my life, but I absolutely can control how I respond. That's a pretty powerful realization.
I had a few non-scale victories (NSV) this week. I'm trying to focus more on those than on the number on the scale. That being said, I was down 2.1 lbs this week. However, that was probably more due to the fact that I had eaten a ton the night before I weighed myself last week, than that I had a great week this week. I had some great days, and some terrible days, and a few in between. I consider last week a good week more because of the NSVs than because of that 2.1 lb "loss".
I got my Fitbit One last Thursday, and set it up right away. The next day I started tracking calories on My Fitness Pal rather than points on WW etools. My Fitbit and MFP sync with each other, and the Fitbit links via Bluetooth to my phone. I love not having to plug it in to my computer (which is so slow that I rarely use it.) To lose a pound a week, I'd need to have a calorie deficit of 3500 calories, or 500 per day. That rarely happens, but I aim for SOME type of deficit most days.
I had a strange NSV yesterday...I allowed myself to buy cans of Diet Coke to have in the house. A year or 2 ago, I gave it up for Lent, and then just decided to not buy it anymore. I would have it at restaurants or other people's houses, but drank seltzer at home. Sunday, I had lunch out and had a diet coke, and bought another bottle to bring home. That night I remembered that I had it when I was at the point in the night where I start looking for "something", and I was so excited! Yesterday morning I decided that, while I'm really trying to get my binge eating under control, there is no reason to deny myself something that I enjoy, which has zero calories! I hope to move more towards clean eating, and at some point Diet Coke may have to leave my life again. For now though, I have to prioritize, and if Diet Coke takes the edge off and prevents a binge or two, it's a compromise I'm happy to make!
I was off yesterday, and did a lot of prepping. Not only did I bake 3 batches of cookies to freeze for Christmas, but I made crockpot oatmeal and crockpot rice and beans for the week. They are both recipes I made about 2 weeks ago, but I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, as long as I don't have to cook! I'm also working on being more flexible with my workout schedule. I tend to feel guilty if I don't do what my schedule says, which is pretty dumb, since I wrote it! Saturday I was supposed to go to yoga, but went for a 3+ mile walk with Marty instead. Same for Sunday. Yesterday I was supposed to do 20 min on my bike, 20 min of kettle bells, and yoga. I did a 3+ mile walk with Marty and k bells. I'm definitely not slacking, just doing what I want to do, rather than what is written down on a piece of paper. I'm taking advantage of the mild December weather to get out and walk, and tiring out a rambunctious beagle in the process...win-win!!
The big thing I'm working on mentally is staying more even and centered, and not letting things get me too high or low. You can do all this work, and THINK you've made progress, but until you are faced with a situation, you're never really sure how your intentions will translate into reality. This morning I was tired, and I'm fighting a cold. I planned on making some gluten-free cookies for my Mom for Christmas, and was supposed to do a 3 mile run. I thought that maybe I'd stay home and do the bike instead, but I know how good I feel after I run, and had to get some things at the store anyway, so I went to the gym. Shortly after my run, annoyances crept into my day, and I was thankful that I was still on my adrenaline high. While I wasn't able to let things completely go, I allowed myself to feel upset, but continue on with my day as I had planned it. It's what I'd been hoping I'd be able to do if confronted with things that upset me, and I did. That's a huge step in the right direction!
Finally, I got such a nice compliment at work today. A mom brought her son in, and on the schedule it said that she was an internist, and initially only wanted to see one of the ophthalmologists. Then she called back and asked to see me. When I went in the room, she said that I had examined her receptionist's 2 daughters, and that the woman couldn't say enough good things about me. You have no idea how much that means! Usually all we hear about are the ones who are not happy, so to get compliments, especially from an MD, is such a great feeling!
Anyway, today is a good day. What I'm learning is that I cannot control every situation in my life, but I absolutely can control how I respond. That's a pretty powerful realization.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Comfort Zone? Bah Humbug!
Last night I attended the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Holiday Party. I have wanted to get involved in the alumni group since I moved here almost 8 years ago, but never had the guts to show up at anything, because I didn't know anyone. Last week, on a whim, I decided to RSVP for the party. I walked in last night, and there were little groups of people standing around talking. I hovered for about 10 min, thinking that THIS was the reason I never came to these things. Finally, I walked over to a group of 3 people who were a few grades below me, said hi, introduced myself, and said it was my first event. From that point on I had a great time, and plan on getting more involved.
If you looked at me last Christmas and again today, and asked me to give you a basic rundown of my life, it might seem to you that nothing has changed. Because not much has changed on the outside, I have allowed myself to believe that, indeed, nothing has changed. However, I know that that could not be further from the truth. I lived this past year mainly at the very edge of, or totally outside, my comfort zone. I started running, and then announced that I would run a half marathon. I did! Twice! I went hiking and to lunch with a group of strangers from my yoga studio, and had a great time. I took down walls that I had put up so long ago they seemed to be permanent structures. In doing so, I opened myself up to major rejection. When I wasn't rejected, I had fun like I have never had fun before, and saw my confidence skyrocket. When I was rejected, I had to deal with emotions from which I'd protected myself for years. But you know what? I survived, and learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. Last night I went to a party where I knew no one, and had an amazing time!
In spite of all the risks I've taken in the past year, I have still held on to one major security blanket...my binge eating. It's even outside my comfort zone to acknowledge this problem to myself, let alone to anyone else. I have kept my weight off these past 5 years by knowing how to play the game, rather than by changing the rules. When you take risks, you open yourself up to feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, rejection, etc. These feelings are not fun to have, and the way I've always dealt with them is to smother them with food. It was easier for me to feel guilty about overeating, or to feel physically sick, than to feel any of those other things, and confront the reasons why I was feeling them.
This past year I've had some very high highs, and some very low lows. I'm hoping that in 2015 I will continue to push the boundaries of what I'm used to, and comfortable with, but without the roller coaster of emotions...it's exhausting! I'm also determined to learn how to feel emotions, no matter how unpleasant, rather than trying to make them go away by washing them down with pizza and ice cream. I'm determined, and if there's one thing I've confirmed for myself this year, it's that, when I put my mind to something, I will make it happen.
If you looked at me last Christmas and again today, and asked me to give you a basic rundown of my life, it might seem to you that nothing has changed. Because not much has changed on the outside, I have allowed myself to believe that, indeed, nothing has changed. However, I know that that could not be further from the truth. I lived this past year mainly at the very edge of, or totally outside, my comfort zone. I started running, and then announced that I would run a half marathon. I did! Twice! I went hiking and to lunch with a group of strangers from my yoga studio, and had a great time. I took down walls that I had put up so long ago they seemed to be permanent structures. In doing so, I opened myself up to major rejection. When I wasn't rejected, I had fun like I have never had fun before, and saw my confidence skyrocket. When I was rejected, I had to deal with emotions from which I'd protected myself for years. But you know what? I survived, and learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. Last night I went to a party where I knew no one, and had an amazing time!
In spite of all the risks I've taken in the past year, I have still held on to one major security blanket...my binge eating. It's even outside my comfort zone to acknowledge this problem to myself, let alone to anyone else. I have kept my weight off these past 5 years by knowing how to play the game, rather than by changing the rules. When you take risks, you open yourself up to feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, rejection, etc. These feelings are not fun to have, and the way I've always dealt with them is to smother them with food. It was easier for me to feel guilty about overeating, or to feel physically sick, than to feel any of those other things, and confront the reasons why I was feeling them.
This past year I've had some very high highs, and some very low lows. I'm hoping that in 2015 I will continue to push the boundaries of what I'm used to, and comfortable with, but without the roller coaster of emotions...it's exhausting! I'm also determined to learn how to feel emotions, no matter how unpleasant, rather than trying to make them go away by washing them down with pizza and ice cream. I'm determined, and if there's one thing I've confirmed for myself this year, it's that, when I put my mind to something, I will make it happen.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
If You Do What You've Always Done...
You'll get what you've always gotten. I know that, and it's why I'm feeling like I need to change the way I've been thinking, and what I've been doing. I had a terrible week last week. Nothing particularly bad happened, although I had some interactions with people in my life that were not great. More I was just dealing with feelings that I've been working through for awhile, but I just got into a bad mood early in the week, and couldn't get out. Anything that happened that bothered me, then REALLY bothered me. As usual, I found comfort in food. Problem is that I am now so aware of how I use food, that's it's hard to just take comfort from it, because at the same time I'm psycho-analyzing why I'm eating it! At one point I was actually listening to something about binge eating, while sitting on the couch eating a big bag of M&M's!
By Sunday night I was done, and decided that it was time to end my pity party. My WW week usually starts fresh on Wednesday, but I needed the week to be over NOW. I knew that I was already way into the negative with my points (and that was not even counting all the stuff I'd eaten and not tracked). If I had to wait until Wednesday to wipe the slate clean, I probably would've said screw it, and continued my free for all on Monday and Tuesday. Since I only plan on weighing in once a month now, it doesn't really matter what day I choose to start my week, so I went in and changed it to Monday. I woke up yesterday morning to a fresh start.
On Friday I bought a 15 lb kettlebell, and started doing Tracy Reifkind's free YouTube workouts. She does just the swing, and I love it! I've done a 30 and a 20 min workout so far. I don't feel it while I'm doing it, but the next day I feel it in my arms, abs, butt and hamstrings. I love that it's something I can do at home, and that it's small! When I got to work yesterday, I wrote out my weekly exercise plan. It was stressing me out trying to work in yoga, running, kettlebell, and my new exercise bike. Once I got it on paper, it all fit!
Mon: (if I'm off) 20 min bike, 10-20 min k bells, yoga at night. If I'm working, no yoga.
Tues: Run 3 miles
Wed: 30 min k bells, deep stretch yoga
Thurs: Run 3 miles
Fri: 30 min k bells
Sat: (if I'm off) yoga. If I'm working, rest.
Sun: yoga
I was looking for a new activity monitor to replace my broken WW activelink. For a number of reasons, I chose the Fitbit One, and it will arrive tomorrow. I can still sync it to my WW etools, and track everything in points. However, I am considering switching over to counting calories. My brain thinks in terms of points, but I've gotten very interested in the biology of fat loss (I guess I am a science geek at heart!) Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE), calorie cuts, refeeds, etc., are all talked about in terms of calories eaten vs. calories burned. I think it would be easier for me to experiment with these things if I could start thinking in terms of calories rather than points. The thing that makes this all the most interesting to me is the idea that, often when we are trying to lose weight, we are eating too LITTLE. I'm pretty sure my mind can be trained to think differently if it will allow my body to have more food!
Right now I'm just listening to different podcasts on the topic, and plan to start reading about it a little more. I am so used to doing things the same way, that part of me wonders why bother changing it up. The answer is that, while what I've been doing has been fine, what if there is something better out there? If I just stay with what's comfortable, I'll never know what I might be missing. This applies to my life in a number of ways, and I think that 2015 will be the year that I shake things up!
By Sunday night I was done, and decided that it was time to end my pity party. My WW week usually starts fresh on Wednesday, but I needed the week to be over NOW. I knew that I was already way into the negative with my points (and that was not even counting all the stuff I'd eaten and not tracked). If I had to wait until Wednesday to wipe the slate clean, I probably would've said screw it, and continued my free for all on Monday and Tuesday. Since I only plan on weighing in once a month now, it doesn't really matter what day I choose to start my week, so I went in and changed it to Monday. I woke up yesterday morning to a fresh start.
On Friday I bought a 15 lb kettlebell, and started doing Tracy Reifkind's free YouTube workouts. She does just the swing, and I love it! I've done a 30 and a 20 min workout so far. I don't feel it while I'm doing it, but the next day I feel it in my arms, abs, butt and hamstrings. I love that it's something I can do at home, and that it's small! When I got to work yesterday, I wrote out my weekly exercise plan. It was stressing me out trying to work in yoga, running, kettlebell, and my new exercise bike. Once I got it on paper, it all fit!
Mon: (if I'm off) 20 min bike, 10-20 min k bells, yoga at night. If I'm working, no yoga.
Tues: Run 3 miles
Wed: 30 min k bells, deep stretch yoga
Thurs: Run 3 miles
Fri: 30 min k bells
Sat: (if I'm off) yoga. If I'm working, rest.
Sun: yoga
I was looking for a new activity monitor to replace my broken WW activelink. For a number of reasons, I chose the Fitbit One, and it will arrive tomorrow. I can still sync it to my WW etools, and track everything in points. However, I am considering switching over to counting calories. My brain thinks in terms of points, but I've gotten very interested in the biology of fat loss (I guess I am a science geek at heart!) Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE), calorie cuts, refeeds, etc., are all talked about in terms of calories eaten vs. calories burned. I think it would be easier for me to experiment with these things if I could start thinking in terms of calories rather than points. The thing that makes this all the most interesting to me is the idea that, often when we are trying to lose weight, we are eating too LITTLE. I'm pretty sure my mind can be trained to think differently if it will allow my body to have more food!
Right now I'm just listening to different podcasts on the topic, and plan to start reading about it a little more. I am so used to doing things the same way, that part of me wonders why bother changing it up. The answer is that, while what I've been doing has been fine, what if there is something better out there? If I just stay with what's comfortable, I'll never know what I might be missing. This applies to my life in a number of ways, and I think that 2015 will be the year that I shake things up!
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Scared of Running?
That's how I felt this morning...I was scared to run. My attempt at a 3 mile run on Tuesday didn't go well at all. I couldn't breathe, had to keep stopping to catch my breath, and ended up walking part of it. How can I go from runnig an entire half marathon in June, to not being able to run 3 miles in December? My plan this morning was to do 3 miles on the treadmill, so that I could eliminate all the variables that running outside brings (hills, wind, etc). I woke up this morning in a funk, and did not want to get out of bed. The thought of running made me so nervous...what if I couldn't do it? Maybe I should just stop running? What was wrong with me? I kept pushing my alarm setting to later and later. Finally, I texted my friend Gail and said that I didn't feel like leaving the house to go use the treadmill at the gym, and I was just going to use my exercise bike, and try running again next week. She said that that was a good plan, UNLESS I would feel guilty for not running (my friends know me so well)! She said another option would be to just run for 15 minutes. I got up and got ready to go to the gym, with the idea that I'd do what I could. Before I left, I took the dogs out, and it was gorgeous...sunshine, and not too cold. I knew that my bad mood could benefit from some sun and fresh air, so I put on my headphones, turned on a Half Size Me podcast, and started to run...slowly. As soon as I started, I knew I'd be fine. There was some wind, but not too much, and my pace was perfect, so my breathing was fine. Once I got up the first hill, and didn't feel the need to stop, I knew I was good, and I had a great run, which I really enjoyed! I remembered why I run...it's not to go fast, or to go far, or to win any races. It's to clear my head, spend some time outside, and do something good for my body. I'm still not in the absolute best mood, but at least I am not worried about not being able to run, or feeling guilty because I slept away the whole morning.
I also decided on a whim to attend the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Christmas party next Saturday. I've wanted to get involved for quite some time, but attending events alone, and knowing no one, is WAY outside my comfort zone. But I'll never get to know the members by staying home, so I'm going to take a chance, and maybe have a great time!
I also decided on a whim to attend the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Christmas party next Saturday. I've wanted to get involved for quite some time, but attending events alone, and knowing no one, is WAY outside my comfort zone. But I'll never get to know the members by staying home, so I'm going to take a chance, and maybe have a great time!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Ms. Fix-It
Yesterday started out crappy. I went out for a 3 mile run, but had to keep stopping to catch my breath. How had I run a half-marathon just 6 weeks ago? 3 mile runs used to be my "easy" runs. The Turkey Trot I did on Thanksgiving was the same one I did last year. Last year I ran the whole thing. This year I couldn't. I was talking to my best friend yesterday morning, and said that I felt like all the progress I'd made in the past year was gone...I'd gained weight again over the summer, just like I did last year. I could no longer run 3 miles without stopping, and some relationships that I'd worked very hard on were nowhere near where I'd hoped they'd be at this point. As a matter of fact, some were non-existent...just like last year. I had never really put all that together and thought about it, but when it came out of my mouth, I realized that that's how I felt, and it was not a good feeling at all. All the hard work I'd put into so many areas of my life seemed to have been for naught. After I hung up with Toni, I took a step to symbolically distance myself from someone in my personal life. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but I am at the point where I'm realizing that I can't hang onto something that doesn't exist. Anyway, I drove to work, and was in a really bad mood. Someone had brought in Christmas cookies, and I raided the box. After I had eaten about 10, I felt less anxious, but then I was pissed. It wasn't a coincidence that my first real binge in over 2 weeks came shortly after I hit delete. Once again I used food to make myself feel better. It worked temporarily, but not for very long.
Today was the day that I had committed to going to WW and weighing in, no matter what. Before my cookie binge, I was pretty sure that I would be within 2 lbs of my goal weight, and would not have to pay. After eating all those cookies, I got really frustrated at the thought that I'd have to pay $15. I got even more annoyed when I realized that I might have to pay anyway, since I'd missed the entire month of November. After not missing an entire month in over 5 years, were they really going to charge me for missing a month? I contemplated not going, or going and walking out if anyone told me I owed money. Then I realized that I'd brought it on myself...I chose not to go to a meeting for 6 weeks. I chose to eat too much and gain weight. $15 would not break the bank, and it would be a deterrent next time I thought about making less than stellar choices.
As I was sitting at work feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from someone who had read my blog and is interested in interviewing me in February about my weight loss journey. This is someone I follow, and who I have great respect for. To say that I was excited was an understatement, and I smiled for the rest of the night. I think having this interview on the horizon will be just the thing I need to keep me motivated and excited about the future. I went to WW this morning and was only 0.6 lbs over my goal. I've actually been weighing myself at home for the past 4 weeks, and in that time I've lost 5.6 lbs. I guess they didn't realize that I had missed all of November, or that's not a rule they enforce, because I did not have to pay anything! I sat through the meeting, bored out of my mind. Since finding the Half Size Me podcasts and community, I find I get very little from WW, other than a way to track my food that works for me. I will go once a month to weigh in and keep my lifetime status, but will no longer stay for meetings.
One thing I've been thinking a lot about for the past few days is the idea of being "enough." Not even good enough, just enough. I was talking to a friend recently about a relationship that wasn't going the way I wanted it to. After listening to my ideas as to why that was, and how I felt about it, she said, "So you're back to thinking that it's because there is something wrong with you. Why can't it be that there's something wrong with the other person?" The answer was very clear to me. If there's something wrong with ME, then there's the possibility that I can fix it. I know I can't fix someone else, so if the problem is with the other person, then I am helpless to do anything, and need to walk away. It is not like me to give up on something I want, so I continue to look for what I'm doing wrong, or some inherent flaw in my character that I can change or fix. The problem there is that, when there is nothing I can do or change, I feel like a failure.
One thing that has been very difficult since losing weight, is that I no longer have the weight to blame. Before, if someone didn't like me, or if my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat. Now that I no longer am, if someone doesn't like me, or my life isn't the way I want it to be, it must mean that there's some hidden reason, something about me that is undesirable, or not good enough, and I don't even know what it is. If I don't know what it is, how do I fix it?? I'm starting to wonder if that's why I keep letting my weight creep back up. As long as I have 10 lbs to lose, there is something about myself left to improve. As long as I'm working on myself, there's still the hope that down the road, I will have...fill in the blank.
What I'm trying to work on now is remembering that I am enough. Every relationship involves 2 people, and I can only control my actions. If the other person is not willing to do 50% of the work, then I need to move on, rather than hang around trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The answer is that there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe someday I'll believe it.
Today was the day that I had committed to going to WW and weighing in, no matter what. Before my cookie binge, I was pretty sure that I would be within 2 lbs of my goal weight, and would not have to pay. After eating all those cookies, I got really frustrated at the thought that I'd have to pay $15. I got even more annoyed when I realized that I might have to pay anyway, since I'd missed the entire month of November. After not missing an entire month in over 5 years, were they really going to charge me for missing a month? I contemplated not going, or going and walking out if anyone told me I owed money. Then I realized that I'd brought it on myself...I chose not to go to a meeting for 6 weeks. I chose to eat too much and gain weight. $15 would not break the bank, and it would be a deterrent next time I thought about making less than stellar choices.
As I was sitting at work feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from someone who had read my blog and is interested in interviewing me in February about my weight loss journey. This is someone I follow, and who I have great respect for. To say that I was excited was an understatement, and I smiled for the rest of the night. I think having this interview on the horizon will be just the thing I need to keep me motivated and excited about the future. I went to WW this morning and was only 0.6 lbs over my goal. I've actually been weighing myself at home for the past 4 weeks, and in that time I've lost 5.6 lbs. I guess they didn't realize that I had missed all of November, or that's not a rule they enforce, because I did not have to pay anything! I sat through the meeting, bored out of my mind. Since finding the Half Size Me podcasts and community, I find I get very little from WW, other than a way to track my food that works for me. I will go once a month to weigh in and keep my lifetime status, but will no longer stay for meetings.
One thing I've been thinking a lot about for the past few days is the idea of being "enough." Not even good enough, just enough. I was talking to a friend recently about a relationship that wasn't going the way I wanted it to. After listening to my ideas as to why that was, and how I felt about it, she said, "So you're back to thinking that it's because there is something wrong with you. Why can't it be that there's something wrong with the other person?" The answer was very clear to me. If there's something wrong with ME, then there's the possibility that I can fix it. I know I can't fix someone else, so if the problem is with the other person, then I am helpless to do anything, and need to walk away. It is not like me to give up on something I want, so I continue to look for what I'm doing wrong, or some inherent flaw in my character that I can change or fix. The problem there is that, when there is nothing I can do or change, I feel like a failure.
One thing that has been very difficult since losing weight, is that I no longer have the weight to blame. Before, if someone didn't like me, or if my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat. Now that I no longer am, if someone doesn't like me, or my life isn't the way I want it to be, it must mean that there's some hidden reason, something about me that is undesirable, or not good enough, and I don't even know what it is. If I don't know what it is, how do I fix it?? I'm starting to wonder if that's why I keep letting my weight creep back up. As long as I have 10 lbs to lose, there is something about myself left to improve. As long as I'm working on myself, there's still the hope that down the road, I will have...fill in the blank.
What I'm trying to work on now is remembering that I am enough. Every relationship involves 2 people, and I can only control my actions. If the other person is not willing to do 50% of the work, then I need to move on, rather than hang around trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The answer is that there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe someday I'll believe it.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
The Thankful Post
I'm down 2.7 lbs this week!! Wednesday is my weigh-in day, whether I attend a WW meeting or not. Today I weighed in at 151.3, and my goal is to get down to somewhere between 140 and 142 by the middle of February. My plan from now on is to blog every Wednesday, in conjunction with my weigh-in. Next week is the first Wednesday of December, so I WILL attend a WW meeting. In order to not have to pay, I will need to be at 152 or less (with clothes on, obviously...at home I weigh myself naked.) If I have to pay next week, so be it, but I'm hopeful that I won't need to.
Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I decided to do a "What I'm Thankful For" list, as it applies to my weight-loss journey. Here it is:
I'm thankful that I'm at a healthy weight. It may not be my goal weight, but no doctor is going to tell me that I need to lose weight.
I'm thankful that I'm healthy. When I think about my weight-loss, I tend to focus on how I look. But when I hear stories of people who had a wake-up call when they were told that they were pre-diabetic, etc., I realize how lucky I am that I never got to that point. I do remember a time as a kid when my pediatrician put me on a diet because my blood pressure was high. I think I was in elementary school. That's nuts! I've never had a problem with high blood pressure since then.
I'm thankful that I'm physically fit. I'm in much better shape now than I've ever been. When I told my parents that I wanted an exercise bike for Christmas, neither of them questioned if I'd use it. My friends and family realize that this healthy lifestyle is not a fad. It's for real.
I'm thankful that I never gave up on myself. When you're 36 years old, and have been overweight for as long you can remember, it would be very easy to just assume that that is how you will always be. I'm very proud of myself for gambling on myself one more time.
I'm thankful for the number 150. Ideally I'd love to be about 139, realistically 140-142. 150 is the number that, when I hit it, makes me realize that I need to reign things back in. Of course I have gotten INTO the 150's, which is not ideal, but by having that danger zone, it keeps me from ever letting things get totally out of control.
Of course I'm thankful for my amazing family, my incredible friends, my cute little house, my 3 crazy dogs, and a job I enjoy, which allows me to make a difference in the lives of children. I'm also very thankful for this past year. It has been wonderful and horrible, amazing and challenging, but I have learned so much about myself, and continue to every day. I wish you and everyone you love a wonderful Thanksgiving. Be safe, and remember, anything you eat tomorrow has no calories!!
Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I decided to do a "What I'm Thankful For" list, as it applies to my weight-loss journey. Here it is:
I'm thankful that I'm at a healthy weight. It may not be my goal weight, but no doctor is going to tell me that I need to lose weight.
I'm thankful that I'm healthy. When I think about my weight-loss, I tend to focus on how I look. But when I hear stories of people who had a wake-up call when they were told that they were pre-diabetic, etc., I realize how lucky I am that I never got to that point. I do remember a time as a kid when my pediatrician put me on a diet because my blood pressure was high. I think I was in elementary school. That's nuts! I've never had a problem with high blood pressure since then.
I'm thankful that I'm physically fit. I'm in much better shape now than I've ever been. When I told my parents that I wanted an exercise bike for Christmas, neither of them questioned if I'd use it. My friends and family realize that this healthy lifestyle is not a fad. It's for real.
I'm thankful that I never gave up on myself. When you're 36 years old, and have been overweight for as long you can remember, it would be very easy to just assume that that is how you will always be. I'm very proud of myself for gambling on myself one more time.
I'm thankful for the number 150. Ideally I'd love to be about 139, realistically 140-142. 150 is the number that, when I hit it, makes me realize that I need to reign things back in. Of course I have gotten INTO the 150's, which is not ideal, but by having that danger zone, it keeps me from ever letting things get totally out of control.
Of course I'm thankful for my amazing family, my incredible friends, my cute little house, my 3 crazy dogs, and a job I enjoy, which allows me to make a difference in the lives of children. I'm also very thankful for this past year. It has been wonderful and horrible, amazing and challenging, but I have learned so much about myself, and continue to every day. I wish you and everyone you love a wonderful Thanksgiving. Be safe, and remember, anything you eat tomorrow has no calories!!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Self-care
When people would say to me, "You need to live your life for you" or "You need to take care of yourself", I used to get annoyed. I'm not married, and I don't have kids, so who else am I living my life for? Other than my dogs, who am I taking care of other than myself? It's only recently that I'm realizing that keeping myself alive, with a roof over my head, is not really taking care of myself. Living my life for me does not mean going to get my nails done when I want to, because no one can tell me not to. Sometimes, self-care means NOT doing what I want to do, if the reason I want to do it is that its's easy, or comfortable, or familiar. I'm working very hard at getting out of my head and being present. However, I'm also trying to see how my actions will impact my life a day, a week, or a month from now, not just this minute.
This week had the potential to be very bad for me eating-wise. When I am stressed or tired, I tend to binge, and this week set me up to be both. Yesterday was day 6 of a 6 day work-week. I'm off today, and back to work tomorrow for 3 days before a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend (yippee!). I rarely work 6 days in a row, but when I do, I go into it in a bad mood, and by day 4 or 5, I'm ready to snap. This time was different. First, I never looked ahead. The week went very quickly because I took it one day at a time. Really, working 6 days in a row is just 15-20 more patients than working 5 days. I just focused on that day, that patient, and didn't worry about how many more days were left before Sunday, and before I knew it, it was Saturday! I actually said to myself yesterday, "I can't believe I'm in such a good mood!" I wasn't tired, run down, or on edge. I also had some interactions with people in my life this week that temporarily threw me for a loop. I was put in a position that really challenged the idea of not just doing what was easy and familiar, but what would serve me best in the long run. I stayed strong, but came out of it somewhat drained. Standing up for what I need, and not just giving in to what I want, is still new for me, and does not come easy.
So, how did I get through this week, other than just taking it one day at a time? I was kind to myself, and took care of myself, both physically, and mentally. First, I have been tracking my food religiously since Monday. To keep myself honest, I send a picture of my etools tracker to my friend Gail each night. When I am in control of my eating, I feel so much more centered. When my eating spirals out of control, it seems like everything else does too. I also did some form of exercise almost every day. Tuesday I took a barre class, Wednesday a yoga class, Thursday I walked, Friday and today, more yoga. I cannot stress enough how much yoga helps me mentally. For someone who's brain is always in overdrive, I feel like the only time my mind is clear is during yoga, and when I'm asleep!
I have also become totally addicted to the Half Size Me podcasts. I rarely watch TV or listen to the radio these days. Whether I'm in the car, or at home in the evening, I'm usually listening to a podcast. These interviews with people who've lost significant amounts of weight are so inspiring to me. Even though I've never lost 100+ lbs, I totally identify with their struggles. Many of them have had weight problems all their lives. I don't know too many other people like that. I sometimes find myself nodding yes to the things they say, the feelings they've had, the things they've been told. It makes me feel like I'm not the only person who doesn't long for my skinny teenage years, because I never HAD skinny teenage years!
A few things this week that I'm really proud of: Wednesday was an emotionally draining day for me. It was also the half-way point of a long work-week. Despite that, I stuck to my points at work, and didn't raid the snack box. At the end of the day, I knew I wanted some comfort food. Normally this would mean pizza, ice cream, candy, or all of the above. Instead, I treated myself to a tuna sub from an awesome place by my house (one of my favorite things to eat, but still within my points), and a diet Pepsi...I no longer keep diet soda in the house. I went home, had my dinner, listened to a podcast, and went to bed. Stressful day successfully navigated! Yesterday, as I was driving home, I realized that I was tired, hungry, and would be bored once I got home. I contemplated pizza, or another tuna sub. I didn't do the pizza because it was too many points. I didn't do the tuna because, as I mentioned, I've put myself on a strict budget. On Wednesday after work I'm going out with some co-workers. I'm also getting my hair done on Tuesday. Eating out between now and when I get paid on Friday, other than on Wednesday, is just not in the budget. Could I have made it happen? Sure, but then I wouldn't have been sticking to my budget. That's what I've always done in the past, "made it happen." Not because it was what was best for me long-term, but because it's what I wanted now...it's what was easy and familiar and comfortable. Instead, I came home, kept myself busy by putting together my new recumbent exercise bike, made myself dinner, and went to bed feeling very proud of myself.
Finally, the biggest thing I did this week was email my blog link to pretty much everyone in my address book. If I have your email address, and I can remember who you are, you got it! Listening to these podcast interviews, and hearing that most of these people have blogs, made me think that maybe my story could help someone. I sent the email during lunch at work yesterday, and as I was driving home, I had a moment of panic...what did I do?? I've never tried to hide this blog, and have shared it on FB and other places with strangers. Somehow though, the idea of personally emailing it to people i know and saying, "Here's my story. Read it, and share it wih anyone you think it might help" really freaked me out! I started wondering what people would think of me, and the things I've done, said, and thought. I wondered if my posts were too long and boring for anyone to read. Then I decided that I have nothing to hide. Everything I've written is 100% honest. If someone doesn't like what I have to say, or thinks it's boring, they don't have to read it. However, I've gotten some awesome feedback in the past, and the idea that I have inspired even one person to not give up on themselves helps me to keep fighting. If that email gets my blog to one more person who needs to read it, then the discomfort I feel at opening myself up will be totally worth it.
This week had the potential to be very bad for me eating-wise. When I am stressed or tired, I tend to binge, and this week set me up to be both. Yesterday was day 6 of a 6 day work-week. I'm off today, and back to work tomorrow for 3 days before a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend (yippee!). I rarely work 6 days in a row, but when I do, I go into it in a bad mood, and by day 4 or 5, I'm ready to snap. This time was different. First, I never looked ahead. The week went very quickly because I took it one day at a time. Really, working 6 days in a row is just 15-20 more patients than working 5 days. I just focused on that day, that patient, and didn't worry about how many more days were left before Sunday, and before I knew it, it was Saturday! I actually said to myself yesterday, "I can't believe I'm in such a good mood!" I wasn't tired, run down, or on edge. I also had some interactions with people in my life this week that temporarily threw me for a loop. I was put in a position that really challenged the idea of not just doing what was easy and familiar, but what would serve me best in the long run. I stayed strong, but came out of it somewhat drained. Standing up for what I need, and not just giving in to what I want, is still new for me, and does not come easy.
So, how did I get through this week, other than just taking it one day at a time? I was kind to myself, and took care of myself, both physically, and mentally. First, I have been tracking my food religiously since Monday. To keep myself honest, I send a picture of my etools tracker to my friend Gail each night. When I am in control of my eating, I feel so much more centered. When my eating spirals out of control, it seems like everything else does too. I also did some form of exercise almost every day. Tuesday I took a barre class, Wednesday a yoga class, Thursday I walked, Friday and today, more yoga. I cannot stress enough how much yoga helps me mentally. For someone who's brain is always in overdrive, I feel like the only time my mind is clear is during yoga, and when I'm asleep!
I have also become totally addicted to the Half Size Me podcasts. I rarely watch TV or listen to the radio these days. Whether I'm in the car, or at home in the evening, I'm usually listening to a podcast. These interviews with people who've lost significant amounts of weight are so inspiring to me. Even though I've never lost 100+ lbs, I totally identify with their struggles. Many of them have had weight problems all their lives. I don't know too many other people like that. I sometimes find myself nodding yes to the things they say, the feelings they've had, the things they've been told. It makes me feel like I'm not the only person who doesn't long for my skinny teenage years, because I never HAD skinny teenage years!
A few things this week that I'm really proud of: Wednesday was an emotionally draining day for me. It was also the half-way point of a long work-week. Despite that, I stuck to my points at work, and didn't raid the snack box. At the end of the day, I knew I wanted some comfort food. Normally this would mean pizza, ice cream, candy, or all of the above. Instead, I treated myself to a tuna sub from an awesome place by my house (one of my favorite things to eat, but still within my points), and a diet Pepsi...I no longer keep diet soda in the house. I went home, had my dinner, listened to a podcast, and went to bed. Stressful day successfully navigated! Yesterday, as I was driving home, I realized that I was tired, hungry, and would be bored once I got home. I contemplated pizza, or another tuna sub. I didn't do the pizza because it was too many points. I didn't do the tuna because, as I mentioned, I've put myself on a strict budget. On Wednesday after work I'm going out with some co-workers. I'm also getting my hair done on Tuesday. Eating out between now and when I get paid on Friday, other than on Wednesday, is just not in the budget. Could I have made it happen? Sure, but then I wouldn't have been sticking to my budget. That's what I've always done in the past, "made it happen." Not because it was what was best for me long-term, but because it's what I wanted now...it's what was easy and familiar and comfortable. Instead, I came home, kept myself busy by putting together my new recumbent exercise bike, made myself dinner, and went to bed feeling very proud of myself.
Finally, the biggest thing I did this week was email my blog link to pretty much everyone in my address book. If I have your email address, and I can remember who you are, you got it! Listening to these podcast interviews, and hearing that most of these people have blogs, made me think that maybe my story could help someone. I sent the email during lunch at work yesterday, and as I was driving home, I had a moment of panic...what did I do?? I've never tried to hide this blog, and have shared it on FB and other places with strangers. Somehow though, the idea of personally emailing it to people i know and saying, "Here's my story. Read it, and share it wih anyone you think it might help" really freaked me out! I started wondering what people would think of me, and the things I've done, said, and thought. I wondered if my posts were too long and boring for anyone to read. Then I decided that I have nothing to hide. Everything I've written is 100% honest. If someone doesn't like what I have to say, or thinks it's boring, they don't have to read it. However, I've gotten some awesome feedback in the past, and the idea that I have inspired even one person to not give up on themselves helps me to keep fighting. If that email gets my blog to one more person who needs to read it, then the discomfort I feel at opening myself up will be totally worth it.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
5 Years!!
I was listening to a Half Size Me podcast in the car on the way home from work yesterday. A woman who lost over 100 lbs said that she once heard a dietician speak, and the woman said about successfully maintaining weight loss, "Talk to me when you've kept the weight off for 5 years." Well, guess what November 10th was??? My 5 year anniversary of hitting my goal weight, after losing 40 lbs! There have been tons of ups and downs, and I'm currently trying to get off about 10-12 lbs that I put on over the summer. The difference now vs. 5 years ago is that I know I can do it. I did it 5 years ago, I did it after I gained 10-15 lbs last summer, I'll do it again. This is my life now. There's no going back 😊
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Big Changes
The past year has been one of huge changes for me: in how I live, how I think, and how I feel. It's not all stuff that I will share on a public blog, but I feel like I will look back on this year as one of the most important in my life. I mentioned in my last post the idea of living authentically. I feel like years of doubt and fear and questioning my own ability to make decisions that are right for me are finally falling away. I got to goal 5 years ago this month, but it's just now that I'm starting to feel like the emotional weight is being lifted. I will tell you that this journey has been so much harder than the physical transformation and, unlike hitting a goal weight, there is no end. When you lose weight, you often expect that your life will be so different, and in many ways it is. But when you've spent the first 36 years of your life overweight, it takes much more than a 40 lb weight loss in 8 months to figure out and deal with all the reasons you became overweight as a child, and even more so, the complicated reasons you stayed that way as an adult. I've made progress, because I'm finally in a place where I can look at myself and admit my weaknesses, admit my desires and my needs, and say what I want. Going out and living that is a much more difficult task, but it's incredibly rewarding work.
But this is a weight-loss/maintenance blog, so that is what I will talk about now. I just cannot separate eating and emotions, because for me they go hand in hand. I'm working on that, but food has always given me more comfort than anything else in my life. That's why working on myself internally is so important if I want to continue to look and feel good physically. So I mentioned that I had gained 10-15 lbs over the summer. Last week I started really trying to get that weight off, although I had some terrible days, and have only been tracking for the past 2. Regardless, I've lost 2.8 lbs in the past 2 weeks! My goal is to be down another 10-12 in the next 10-12 weeks...very doable, despite the holidays. I started listening to a podcast called Half Size Me. The app is available in the App Store and on iTunes for $1.99, and I highly recommend it. The woman Heather lost 170 lbs on WW. You can also find Half Size Me on FB. I really like listening in the car on my way home from work. Nights are my binge eating times, and listening to all of the success stories of people she interviews gets me in a good frame of mine for the night ahead. I always kind of knew that I was a binge eater, but now that I've listened to her outline the criteria, I KNOW that I suffer from a binge eating disorder. It started as a kid, sneaking and hiding food. I don't have to sneak or hide anymore, but bingeing is something I still struggle with often. I love having something to listen to right before a tough time of the day, or maybe right before a binge is going to happen...haven't tried that yet, but I hope I will!
I have not gone to WW in about a month. I am more than 2 lbs over my goal, and would have to pay $15. I just paid off a bunch of credit cards, and am on a very tight budget. I'm determined to get myself financially healthy in 2015! I have found that I don't miss the meetings. My leader Bev, whom I adore, used to stray off topic, and we'd discuss the emotions and psychology of being overweight. Since she left, the meetings are mainly about how to lose weight. I've been doing this for 25 years...I know I need to track my food, drink water and exercise! If I have to sit through one more meeting before Thanksgiving where the leader tells us to guess how many points are in a cup of stuffing, I'll scream! At first I needed the support of WW. Now, I've built my own support system outside of the meetings. I decided yesterday that weekly meetings no longer fit what I need anymore. I'd rather spend my Wednesday mornings at yoga. I will go once a month to weigh in and stay for a meeting, but that's it. I will continue to follow the plan, track, and weigh myself weekly, but it's time to move on.
One of the things that the podcasts have me interested in is clean eating...more whole foods, fewer processed and packaged foods. For someone who hates to cook, this will be a challenge, but it's something I want to research and move towards with baby steps. I've finished with my year of personal training and quit the gym. My new recumbent bike arrives today, an early Christmas gift from Santa, and I'm so excited to finally have a piece of exercise equipment in the house...I don't even own hand weights! I'm trying to mix up my activity more...some walking, some running, some bike, yoga, and my new thing, barre classes. They're a fun way to strength train, and I'm hoping to buy a 10 class pass (if the budget allows!) and go once a week.
Life is good...confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, but good. I'm excited for 2015. There are more layers to peel away, and I'm ready!
But this is a weight-loss/maintenance blog, so that is what I will talk about now. I just cannot separate eating and emotions, because for me they go hand in hand. I'm working on that, but food has always given me more comfort than anything else in my life. That's why working on myself internally is so important if I want to continue to look and feel good physically. So I mentioned that I had gained 10-15 lbs over the summer. Last week I started really trying to get that weight off, although I had some terrible days, and have only been tracking for the past 2. Regardless, I've lost 2.8 lbs in the past 2 weeks! My goal is to be down another 10-12 in the next 10-12 weeks...very doable, despite the holidays. I started listening to a podcast called Half Size Me. The app is available in the App Store and on iTunes for $1.99, and I highly recommend it. The woman Heather lost 170 lbs on WW. You can also find Half Size Me on FB. I really like listening in the car on my way home from work. Nights are my binge eating times, and listening to all of the success stories of people she interviews gets me in a good frame of mine for the night ahead. I always kind of knew that I was a binge eater, but now that I've listened to her outline the criteria, I KNOW that I suffer from a binge eating disorder. It started as a kid, sneaking and hiding food. I don't have to sneak or hide anymore, but bingeing is something I still struggle with often. I love having something to listen to right before a tough time of the day, or maybe right before a binge is going to happen...haven't tried that yet, but I hope I will!
I have not gone to WW in about a month. I am more than 2 lbs over my goal, and would have to pay $15. I just paid off a bunch of credit cards, and am on a very tight budget. I'm determined to get myself financially healthy in 2015! I have found that I don't miss the meetings. My leader Bev, whom I adore, used to stray off topic, and we'd discuss the emotions and psychology of being overweight. Since she left, the meetings are mainly about how to lose weight. I've been doing this for 25 years...I know I need to track my food, drink water and exercise! If I have to sit through one more meeting before Thanksgiving where the leader tells us to guess how many points are in a cup of stuffing, I'll scream! At first I needed the support of WW. Now, I've built my own support system outside of the meetings. I decided yesterday that weekly meetings no longer fit what I need anymore. I'd rather spend my Wednesday mornings at yoga. I will go once a month to weigh in and stay for a meeting, but that's it. I will continue to follow the plan, track, and weigh myself weekly, but it's time to move on.
One of the things that the podcasts have me interested in is clean eating...more whole foods, fewer processed and packaged foods. For someone who hates to cook, this will be a challenge, but it's something I want to research and move towards with baby steps. I've finished with my year of personal training and quit the gym. My new recumbent bike arrives today, an early Christmas gift from Santa, and I'm so excited to finally have a piece of exercise equipment in the house...I don't even own hand weights! I'm trying to mix up my activity more...some walking, some running, some bike, yoga, and my new thing, barre classes. They're a fun way to strength train, and I'm hoping to buy a 10 class pass (if the budget allows!) and go once a week.
Life is good...confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, but good. I'm excited for 2015. There are more layers to peel away, and I'm ready!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Summer Synopsis
Wowl I can't believe that my last post was about my first half marathon! So much has happened since then that it feels like a lifetime ago. I've done tons of writing, talking, thinking, and growing these past few months, and it has not been easy. I'm a different person than I was when I began running last August, and I like this person, because she's the most "me" that I've ever been.
I got a tattoo in March, and the reaction from many people who have known me for a long time was, "You're not the kind of person who gets a tattoo." I'm not sure what that "kind" of person is, but I knew what they meant, and I knew that they were wrong. What I've spent the summer trying to do is to begin to live more authentically. To be who I am, and do what feels right to me, without worrying about what is expected of me, or what I "should" do. At 41 years old, I am learning to live for me. I'm also trying to stop compartmentalizing my life, so that I can only focus on one or two areas, while neglecting others. I want to be a complete person, true to my values and priorities...no one else's.
While I did a lot of work on my inside this summer, I began to neglect my outside. I did train for, and run, my second half marathon on October 26th, but my heart wasn't in the training. I did it because I had committed to it, but I felt that I had already proven to myself that I could do it, so the motivation wasn't there. I had a lot on my plate, and was tired. The weekend of the race I was in NH with my best friend, and getting away at that time, and being with someone who really knows me, was just what I needed. I came home and had a week off to rest and regroup, and I feel more energized and clear headed than I have in a long time. I'm feeling grateful for my job, my health, my family and friends, and ready too get back to things I've been neglecting.
Over the summer I gained about 15 lbs. I'm pretty much back to where I was last year at this time. I'm done with the trainer, and quit the gym. I will run/walk outside, and I've been doing lots of yoga. Yoga has saved me many times over the past few months. It is something I need, mentally just as much as, if not more so than, physically. My enthusiasm for running has waned, but it gives me cardio in a short amount of time, so I will continue. I'm sticking to 5ks for the foreseeable future, and have one on Thanksgiving, and one on New Year's Day.
Anyway, I know this post is vague and short, but I just wanted to check in. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and excited to see what 2015 has to offer. A year ago I never could have anticipated the roller coaster that this past year turned out to be. I'm committed to living my life from now on with a clear mind and an open heart. I wish you all the same!
I got a tattoo in March, and the reaction from many people who have known me for a long time was, "You're not the kind of person who gets a tattoo." I'm not sure what that "kind" of person is, but I knew what they meant, and I knew that they were wrong. What I've spent the summer trying to do is to begin to live more authentically. To be who I am, and do what feels right to me, without worrying about what is expected of me, or what I "should" do. At 41 years old, I am learning to live for me. I'm also trying to stop compartmentalizing my life, so that I can only focus on one or two areas, while neglecting others. I want to be a complete person, true to my values and priorities...no one else's.
While I did a lot of work on my inside this summer, I began to neglect my outside. I did train for, and run, my second half marathon on October 26th, but my heart wasn't in the training. I did it because I had committed to it, but I felt that I had already proven to myself that I could do it, so the motivation wasn't there. I had a lot on my plate, and was tired. The weekend of the race I was in NH with my best friend, and getting away at that time, and being with someone who really knows me, was just what I needed. I came home and had a week off to rest and regroup, and I feel more energized and clear headed than I have in a long time. I'm feeling grateful for my job, my health, my family and friends, and ready too get back to things I've been neglecting.
Over the summer I gained about 15 lbs. I'm pretty much back to where I was last year at this time. I'm done with the trainer, and quit the gym. I will run/walk outside, and I've been doing lots of yoga. Yoga has saved me many times over the past few months. It is something I need, mentally just as much as, if not more so than, physically. My enthusiasm for running has waned, but it gives me cardio in a short amount of time, so I will continue. I'm sticking to 5ks for the foreseeable future, and have one on Thanksgiving, and one on New Year's Day.
Anyway, I know this post is vague and short, but I just wanted to check in. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and excited to see what 2015 has to offer. A year ago I never could have anticipated the roller coaster that this past year turned out to be. I'm committed to living my life from now on with a clear mind and an open heart. I wish you all the same!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
13.1!!!
I ran a half marathon today. Yep, I did! It was quite possibly the most incredible experience of my life. I first did the Couch to 5k app in the fall of 2011. I ran my first 5k on New Year's Day 2012, and then never ran again until I restarted C25k in August of last year. I did a 5k every month starting in October, and had no intention of ever running farther than that. I even said that at work one day, but that night my cousin Pauline asked me if I'd like to do a half marathon with her this fall, and the seed was planted. In March I ran a 10k, and the following weekend I went out to do another 6 mile run. I felt good, and ended up doing 8, and the following week I did 9. Everyone was telling me that, if I could run 9, I could run 13. At around that time, I found out that the Children's Hospital at Dartmouth holds a half marathon in October. I went to college at Dartmouth, and absolutely love the area. I signed up for that race, and convinced my best friend Toni, who now lives in Massachusetts and has been running forever, to do it with me. I was so excited about running that race for so many reasons. Obviously Hanover, NH holds a special place in my heart, and running a race with my best friend, whom I rarely see, would be amazing! However, I was very heavy and out of shape when I was in college. To go back to that place and run a half marathon would help me bury some ghosts and make me feel like I'd really overcome the weight issues that have haunted me for most of my life. My concern though was that I would have a hard time maintaining my motivation to run if I didn't have a big race for 6 months, so I signed up for the ODDyssey Half Marathon in Philadelphia, and jumped right into training!
Yesterday, my friend Gail and I left for Philly at about 3pm. I have to say a huge thank you to Gail! She and I met at WW a few years ago, and have become very close. She has been so supportive of my running, and seemed as excited about the race as I was. I was so grateful that she agreed to come with me...it would not have been as much fun if I'd been alone. We went to the runners' expo, where I picked up my bib and t-shirt, and bought some socks and a tank top. Then we checked in to the hotel, and went out for an incredible Italian dinner...carb-loading!!! We polished off 2 baskets of bread, a Portobello mushroom appetizer, pasta (mine was lump crab meat, scallions and shrimp over mushroom tortellini in alfredo sauce), and shared the best cannoli I've ever had! We walked around Philly for a bit, and then got decaf iced coffees to take back to the room. I took a shower, was asleep by 10pm, and got a great night's sleep. I woke up at 5 and had a whole wheat bagel with almond butter that I'd packed for the trip. The bus to the starting line left at 6, and got us there by 6:15. They corralled us by pace, so I was in the last group to start (10 min/mile and up.) My biggest concern was that I'd start too fast and fizzle out, which I have a tendency to do. I have to say though, that I ran my PERFECT race! I averaged about 11:10/mile, which is about 1 min/mile slower than I usually average on shorter runs, and that is ideal! I did run the second half of the race faster than the first, which is what I tend to do...pick up speed as I go. At no point (well, except for the humongous hill at mile 12) did I feel like I was too tired, too sore, etc. The course was relatively flat and beautiful! We ran through parks, past historical buildings, over rivers, past lakes, and I took in everything! I sang along to my music, read the funny signs people held up, waved at the cameras, and even gave a lady a high-five! After the horrific hill, I was at the home stretch, and right before the finish line I saw Gail holding a sign that said, "Run Rose, Run!!" When I crossed the finish line and was handed my medal, it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
Few things in life exceed expectation, but today did. I could not have run a more perfect race for me, and I took in every aspect of my first half marathon. It is an experience I will never forget. I am so incredibly proud of myself...I went from doing a beginner's running app, to figuring out how I needed to train, and what I needed as support (clothes, sneakers, nutrition, hydration) to run my best race. No one coached me, no one taught me. I read, I tried, I asked questions on line...I did it. From a girl who couldn't walk around the track in HS without getting terrible shin cramps to a woman who has completed a half marathon (in 2 hours, 28 min and 42 seconds...my goal was under 2:30)! This is my dream, and it has come true.
Yesterday, my friend Gail and I left for Philly at about 3pm. I have to say a huge thank you to Gail! She and I met at WW a few years ago, and have become very close. She has been so supportive of my running, and seemed as excited about the race as I was. I was so grateful that she agreed to come with me...it would not have been as much fun if I'd been alone. We went to the runners' expo, where I picked up my bib and t-shirt, and bought some socks and a tank top. Then we checked in to the hotel, and went out for an incredible Italian dinner...carb-loading!!! We polished off 2 baskets of bread, a Portobello mushroom appetizer, pasta (mine was lump crab meat, scallions and shrimp over mushroom tortellini in alfredo sauce), and shared the best cannoli I've ever had! We walked around Philly for a bit, and then got decaf iced coffees to take back to the room. I took a shower, was asleep by 10pm, and got a great night's sleep. I woke up at 5 and had a whole wheat bagel with almond butter that I'd packed for the trip. The bus to the starting line left at 6, and got us there by 6:15. They corralled us by pace, so I was in the last group to start (10 min/mile and up.) My biggest concern was that I'd start too fast and fizzle out, which I have a tendency to do. I have to say though, that I ran my PERFECT race! I averaged about 11:10/mile, which is about 1 min/mile slower than I usually average on shorter runs, and that is ideal! I did run the second half of the race faster than the first, which is what I tend to do...pick up speed as I go. At no point (well, except for the humongous hill at mile 12) did I feel like I was too tired, too sore, etc. The course was relatively flat and beautiful! We ran through parks, past historical buildings, over rivers, past lakes, and I took in everything! I sang along to my music, read the funny signs people held up, waved at the cameras, and even gave a lady a high-five! After the horrific hill, I was at the home stretch, and right before the finish line I saw Gail holding a sign that said, "Run Rose, Run!!" When I crossed the finish line and was handed my medal, it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
Few things in life exceed expectation, but today did. I could not have run a more perfect race for me, and I took in every aspect of my first half marathon. It is an experience I will never forget. I am so incredibly proud of myself...I went from doing a beginner's running app, to figuring out how I needed to train, and what I needed as support (clothes, sneakers, nutrition, hydration) to run my best race. No one coached me, no one taught me. I read, I tried, I asked questions on line...I did it. From a girl who couldn't walk around the track in HS without getting terrible shin cramps to a woman who has completed a half marathon (in 2 hours, 28 min and 42 seconds...my goal was under 2:30)! This is my dream, and it has come true.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
That Elusive 3!
Today is National Running Day. So funny to me that I even know that, let alone that I rearranged my tapering schedule so that I could run today! For those of you who don't know, the week or so before a big race (my first half-marathon is Sunday...aaaah!), you are supposed to cut back (taper) your miles, to give your muscles a chance to rest and fully recover. I was supposed to do 2 miles yesterday and 2 tomorrow, but I skipped yesterday so that I could participate in National Running Day today. I have met so many incredible people on FB running groups...such supportive, positive, knowledgeable, funny people! I truly feel like I'm part of this huge community, and today was our day to celebrate by going out and running...so I did!
After my run I headed over to WW. Today was my first weigh-in of the month, the one that "counts." Since I have a note from my doctor, my goal weight is 150 (the highest WW would let me go without a note was 146.) I knew I was nowhere close to 150, so I wasn't worried about having to pay. However, I lost 4.6 lbs last week, which is a HUGE number. I also ended the week at -20 points (whoops!) I hadn't weighed myself at all this week, so I really had no idea what the scale would say, but I figured I was due to gain something. When the receptionist told me that I'd lost a pound, I looked at her in amazement. Then I did some quick math in my head, leaned over to her and asked, "So I'm in the 130's??" She said yep, you're 139.8. It was at that point that I started clapping! The last time I was in the 130's was on March 16, 2012, when I weighed exactly 139.8. That is almost 27 months ago. I've been close at times, but I honestly thought that I would never see that 3 again. But I did...it happened today.
Recently I had some friends ask me to please not lose anymore weight. I want to make it very clear that no one needs to worry about me losing too much weight. I had French toast with peanut butter mousse for breakfast, and 2 slices of pizza for dinner. However, my lunch was a salad, my snack was an all natural fig bar, and everything was entered into my tracker. I also ran this morning and did yoga tonight. It's all about balance for me now. It's not so much that my eating habits have changed drastically over the past year or two. Rather, I've increased and varied my activity, and I keep very close track of what I'm eating, and what I'm burning. It's just math really, and it's working.
It's also helped me incredibly to put the focus on strength, flexibility, stamina and consistency, rather than weight. The fact that I was clapping on the scale makes it obvious that the numbers still matter to me, but the pride I feel comes more from what I'm able to accomplish than from how little I might weigh on any given day. I also want you all to stop and think about my weight. I am 5'4" tall, and weigh 139.8. If you just heard those numbers, I don't think you'd think of someone at their goal weight, or of someone happy with how she looks. I think we've all been led to believe that, in order for a 5'4" woman to look fit, she needs to weigh 120 lbs. That is just not true. There are so many factors that play into how much you should weigh to look and feel good. Once I realized that, the number lost a lot of power over me. I have absolutely no problem telling anyone who asks how much I weigh. That number is just a number. If I am healthy, happy, and comfortable in my own skin, then it should not matter. It still does, but it's power over me is only a small fraction of what it once was. I'm in control now, not it.
After my run I headed over to WW. Today was my first weigh-in of the month, the one that "counts." Since I have a note from my doctor, my goal weight is 150 (the highest WW would let me go without a note was 146.) I knew I was nowhere close to 150, so I wasn't worried about having to pay. However, I lost 4.6 lbs last week, which is a HUGE number. I also ended the week at -20 points (whoops!) I hadn't weighed myself at all this week, so I really had no idea what the scale would say, but I figured I was due to gain something. When the receptionist told me that I'd lost a pound, I looked at her in amazement. Then I did some quick math in my head, leaned over to her and asked, "So I'm in the 130's??" She said yep, you're 139.8. It was at that point that I started clapping! The last time I was in the 130's was on March 16, 2012, when I weighed exactly 139.8. That is almost 27 months ago. I've been close at times, but I honestly thought that I would never see that 3 again. But I did...it happened today.
Recently I had some friends ask me to please not lose anymore weight. I want to make it very clear that no one needs to worry about me losing too much weight. I had French toast with peanut butter mousse for breakfast, and 2 slices of pizza for dinner. However, my lunch was a salad, my snack was an all natural fig bar, and everything was entered into my tracker. I also ran this morning and did yoga tonight. It's all about balance for me now. It's not so much that my eating habits have changed drastically over the past year or two. Rather, I've increased and varied my activity, and I keep very close track of what I'm eating, and what I'm burning. It's just math really, and it's working.
It's also helped me incredibly to put the focus on strength, flexibility, stamina and consistency, rather than weight. The fact that I was clapping on the scale makes it obvious that the numbers still matter to me, but the pride I feel comes more from what I'm able to accomplish than from how little I might weigh on any given day. I also want you all to stop and think about my weight. I am 5'4" tall, and weigh 139.8. If you just heard those numbers, I don't think you'd think of someone at their goal weight, or of someone happy with how she looks. I think we've all been led to believe that, in order for a 5'4" woman to look fit, she needs to weigh 120 lbs. That is just not true. There are so many factors that play into how much you should weigh to look and feel good. Once I realized that, the number lost a lot of power over me. I have absolutely no problem telling anyone who asks how much I weigh. That number is just a number. If I am healthy, happy, and comfortable in my own skin, then it should not matter. It still does, but it's power over me is only a small fraction of what it once was. I'm in control now, not it.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
The Summer of Big Pay Offs!
It's Memorial Day Weekend, which means the official beginning of summer! I don't usually like the summer, because I can't stand the heat and humidity, but this year I'm kind of looking forward to it. They say that summer bodies are made in the winter, and that was just proven to me. I am going to my community pool tomorrow for the first time, so I took out all of my bathing suits to wash, and I tried them all on first. Of course I can always find things to dislike, mainly from the waist down, but overall I was very happy with what I saw in the mirror! I love the way my arms, shoulders and back look after 6 months of working with my trainer, and doing yoga. I've always liked the shape of my calves, but now they are more muscular from all the running I've been doing, and I can even live with my thighs. My waist is smaller, and my stomach is flatter, but the biggest difference between this summer and last is that my confidence is so much greater than it has ever been.
Over the past year, I've worked on myself in so many different ways. I buckled down on WW to lose the extra 15 or so pounds that I had gained. I've also increased my activity level, and varied the activities I do...running for cardio, my trainer for strength, and yoga for strength, flexibility, clarity of thinking, and time to just stop and breathe.
When we think about "working on ourselves", I think most of us think about working on the outside...losing weight, toning up, changing our hair, buying new clothes, whatever. We tend to be very aware of the things about our physical appearance that we want to change. This makes these things easy to work on, whether or not we are successful. Working on ourselves internally is more difficult, in my opinion, because we are such complicated beings, that it's hard to know where to start. If you have been a certain way for as long as you can remember, how do you even begin to change? Isn't it just who you are? There are things about myself that I knew I wanted to change but, like everything, until I was really ready, it wasn't going to happen. I have finally begun to learn how to get out of my own way, and to embrace my life as an incredible roller coaster ride. If you don't take risks, you can't possibly receive any rewards, and you won't grow as a person. In many ways, I feel like this is my time. I feel badly for people who seem to have peaked in high school or college. Sure, I wish that I had been thinner, more confident, more social, whatever, back then. However, no matter how confident you are as a teenager, it cannot possibly be as complete a confidence as can be had in adulthood. I have a self-awareness now that was just not possible back then. I speak up for myself, I take care of myself, and I love myself...faults and all. I know what I want, and I know what I deserve. Each day is a gift, and I feel so blessed to be living this life at this time. It's taken a long time, and I've worked really hard to get to this point, but it makes being here now that much sweeter. I'm hoping that the Summer of 2014 lives up to my expectations, but whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the ride!
Over the past year, I've worked on myself in so many different ways. I buckled down on WW to lose the extra 15 or so pounds that I had gained. I've also increased my activity level, and varied the activities I do...running for cardio, my trainer for strength, and yoga for strength, flexibility, clarity of thinking, and time to just stop and breathe.
When we think about "working on ourselves", I think most of us think about working on the outside...losing weight, toning up, changing our hair, buying new clothes, whatever. We tend to be very aware of the things about our physical appearance that we want to change. This makes these things easy to work on, whether or not we are successful. Working on ourselves internally is more difficult, in my opinion, because we are such complicated beings, that it's hard to know where to start. If you have been a certain way for as long as you can remember, how do you even begin to change? Isn't it just who you are? There are things about myself that I knew I wanted to change but, like everything, until I was really ready, it wasn't going to happen. I have finally begun to learn how to get out of my own way, and to embrace my life as an incredible roller coaster ride. If you don't take risks, you can't possibly receive any rewards, and you won't grow as a person. In many ways, I feel like this is my time. I feel badly for people who seem to have peaked in high school or college. Sure, I wish that I had been thinner, more confident, more social, whatever, back then. However, no matter how confident you are as a teenager, it cannot possibly be as complete a confidence as can be had in adulthood. I have a self-awareness now that was just not possible back then. I speak up for myself, I take care of myself, and I love myself...faults and all. I know what I want, and I know what I deserve. Each day is a gift, and I feel so blessed to be living this life at this time. It's taken a long time, and I've worked really hard to get to this point, but it makes being here now that much sweeter. I'm hoping that the Summer of 2014 lives up to my expectations, but whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the ride!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Double Digits!!
Today was huge! I did a 10 mile run this morning...my first double digit run!! There is something about running 10 miles vs. 9 that seems very significant. I've heard that once you can do 10 miles, you are a "true" long-distance runner. I'm not sure who made up this rule, because honestly, anything over 5 miles seems really long to me! I've also heard from many people who have run no more than 10 miles on a training run before running their first half marathon. This is a big deal to me, because my half is in 3 weeks. After this morning, it seems very doable!!
I had 2 terrible long runs in a row. One was 8 miles, and I did it completely dehydrated and with a horrible headache. Last week I went out for 9, but only did 5. That was on Saturday, and on Sunday I did the colon cancer 5k. I did another 3 mile run before work on Tuesday, and was supposed to do another on Thursday. From Wednesday to Friday I had a mild stomach virus, and decided to take a break from running. By this morning, my legs felt better than they had felt in a long time! I had forgotten what it felt like to not have sore, tired, stiff legs. I was worried that 4 days off from running would make today more difficult, but I believe that it is exactly what I needed, and I am so happy that I listened to my body.
I was so well prepared for my run this morning, which I was definitely not for my past 2 long runs. I follow a few running forums on FB, and have learned so much from experienced runners. I bought a pair of compression shorts and a pair of compression sleeves for my calves. They are really meant for recovery, but I ran in them. The shorts definitely help keep my quads, hips and IT bands feeling good. Not sure that the sleeves helped my calves that much, but they might be a little too big and not offer enough compression...not sure. Regardless, they are hot pink tie-dye, so at least I look cute ;)
What was critical this time is that I was well hydrated. Running with a hydration belt was a disaster, so I moved on to Plan B. I filled up my water bottle with water and electrolyte powder, carried it with me for the first half mile, and then put it in a spot that I would pass about every 2.5 miles (I run a loop.) I allowed myself 3 approximately 1 minute stops to drink, re-tie my shoes, stretch out my legs, etc. I used to think that if I stopped I was "cheating." Today I realized that it was the best thing I could possibly do. It gave me time to drink, broke up my run, and gave me a goal..."get to the water!" I also ate a pack of Gu energy gel before my run, and then at mile 5. Before my run I also had a tsp of almond butter. I never felt hungry, thirsty, tired, and I never had a headache. Other than some achy calves, I felt great!
I was out running by 5:50 this morning, and finished by about 7:30. I woke up to feed the dogs, and was going to go back to bed for about an hour. But the sun was up, I was a little anxious about the run, and definitely wanted to be done before it got too warm. It was perfect! The weather was beautiful, there were few cars and almost no people out, and after I was done, I was still able to enjoy the morning before I had to leave to celebrate Mother's Day with my family.
I dedicated my run this morning to my Mom, who has always believed in me way more than I ever could believe in myself. Last week I ran my fastest 5k for my Dad, and today I did my longest run for my Mom. I love that!!
I'm taking tomorrow off...sort of. I'll take Marty for a 5k walk, but we go slow (thanks to Marty needing to stop every 10 feet), and then I have to work. Tuesday morning I'll do a 3 mile run and work with my trainer, same for Thursday. Wednesday morning I'll walk with Marty, and Wednesday night is deep stretch yoga. Friday is an off day. Saturday I'll be travelling to NH, and will spend the majority of the day on the train. That will be a nice rest for my legs. My training schedule only calls for a 10k long run next weekend, which is perfect since I'll be on vacation with my Mom, and won't want her to have to wait for me forever. I'm really looking forward to doing a 6 mile (and then 3 mile on Monday) run around the Dartmouth campus. It's going to be awesome!!
I hope all of you had a nice Mother's Day. I'm going to spend the Amazon gift card I got to buy more electrolyte powder and Gu!!
I had 2 terrible long runs in a row. One was 8 miles, and I did it completely dehydrated and with a horrible headache. Last week I went out for 9, but only did 5. That was on Saturday, and on Sunday I did the colon cancer 5k. I did another 3 mile run before work on Tuesday, and was supposed to do another on Thursday. From Wednesday to Friday I had a mild stomach virus, and decided to take a break from running. By this morning, my legs felt better than they had felt in a long time! I had forgotten what it felt like to not have sore, tired, stiff legs. I was worried that 4 days off from running would make today more difficult, but I believe that it is exactly what I needed, and I am so happy that I listened to my body.
I was so well prepared for my run this morning, which I was definitely not for my past 2 long runs. I follow a few running forums on FB, and have learned so much from experienced runners. I bought a pair of compression shorts and a pair of compression sleeves for my calves. They are really meant for recovery, but I ran in them. The shorts definitely help keep my quads, hips and IT bands feeling good. Not sure that the sleeves helped my calves that much, but they might be a little too big and not offer enough compression...not sure. Regardless, they are hot pink tie-dye, so at least I look cute ;)
What was critical this time is that I was well hydrated. Running with a hydration belt was a disaster, so I moved on to Plan B. I filled up my water bottle with water and electrolyte powder, carried it with me for the first half mile, and then put it in a spot that I would pass about every 2.5 miles (I run a loop.) I allowed myself 3 approximately 1 minute stops to drink, re-tie my shoes, stretch out my legs, etc. I used to think that if I stopped I was "cheating." Today I realized that it was the best thing I could possibly do. It gave me time to drink, broke up my run, and gave me a goal..."get to the water!" I also ate a pack of Gu energy gel before my run, and then at mile 5. Before my run I also had a tsp of almond butter. I never felt hungry, thirsty, tired, and I never had a headache. Other than some achy calves, I felt great!
I was out running by 5:50 this morning, and finished by about 7:30. I woke up to feed the dogs, and was going to go back to bed for about an hour. But the sun was up, I was a little anxious about the run, and definitely wanted to be done before it got too warm. It was perfect! The weather was beautiful, there were few cars and almost no people out, and after I was done, I was still able to enjoy the morning before I had to leave to celebrate Mother's Day with my family.
I dedicated my run this morning to my Mom, who has always believed in me way more than I ever could believe in myself. Last week I ran my fastest 5k for my Dad, and today I did my longest run for my Mom. I love that!!
I'm taking tomorrow off...sort of. I'll take Marty for a 5k walk, but we go slow (thanks to Marty needing to stop every 10 feet), and then I have to work. Tuesday morning I'll do a 3 mile run and work with my trainer, same for Thursday. Wednesday morning I'll walk with Marty, and Wednesday night is deep stretch yoga. Friday is an off day. Saturday I'll be travelling to NH, and will spend the majority of the day on the train. That will be a nice rest for my legs. My training schedule only calls for a 10k long run next weekend, which is perfect since I'll be on vacation with my Mom, and won't want her to have to wait for me forever. I'm really looking forward to doing a 6 mile (and then 3 mile on Monday) run around the Dartmouth campus. It's going to be awesome!!
I hope all of you had a nice Mother's Day. I'm going to spend the Amazon gift card I got to buy more electrolyte powder and Gu!!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Still? Really?
Today was my first weigh-in of the month at WW. I do weigh-in every week, but only the first one "counts", meaning that if I'm more than 2 pounds over my goal weight at that first weigh-in, I have to pay the weekly meeting fee, and then have to weigh-in (and pay) every week until I get back within 2 lbs of goal. The highest goal I am allowed to have for my height is 146. For awhile, despite eating right and exercising, I was having a hard time staying within 2 pounds of that. I was, but it was a real struggle, and mentally it was exhausting. I spoke to my doctor, and she happily increased my goal to 150 (by writing a note.) She said that I did not need to lose any more weight, that I was healthy and doing everything right, and that I shouldn't stress about it. Since I got that note, the weight has come off...go figure!
Anyway, so my goal is now officially 150, and technically I'm not supposed to be more than 2 pounds below that, but I am, and no one cares...it's not like I'm starving to death, and I'm still well within the normal range for my height. My original goal 5 years ago was 139. I have not been in the 130's (139.8 to be exact), since 3/16/12...yes, I have ALL of my weight trackers for the past 5 years. Last week I lost 2.4 pounds and was 140.2. I had a great week this week and was SURE that I'd finally get back into the 130's...all I needed to do was lose 0.3 pounds! I even thought I had a good shot at getting back to an even 139. I was all ready to celebrate, and then I stepped up on the scale...I gained 0.8 lbs and am at 141. I was PISSED!!! My friend Gail could not believe how mad I was. My mood didn't get much better...work drama, a nauseous feeling all day (I haven't eaten anything since 11 am...it's 6:00 pm), I'm tired and my arms and shoulders are so sore (too many planks with my trainer and at yoga.) After work tonight I am skipping my deep stretch yoga class, which I usually love, to go home and rest...and try to figure out what I can eat without puking.
I had put a goal in my phone in February of getting down to 137 by Memorial Day. 137 was about what I averaged for the first 2 or so years after I lost my weight, and it just seems magical to me. After today I have to accept that that will probably not happen. I don't even know if 139.9 will happen. If there was no scale, I would be absolutely fine the way I am. I am happy with how I look, my clothes fit, and I feel strong physically. It upsets me that the scale can still effect me this much. For some reason I have a really hard time saying that I am happy where I am. I can sort of think it, but I can't really believe it, or say it out loud. I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be. I wish that my hips and stomach were smaller, and that my boobs and butt were bigger...maybe in another life I'll get my wish. With my luck, if I do lose anymore weight, my boobs will just get smaller, my butt will get flatter, and I'll still have a belly. You would think after all this time, I'd have learned to accept this. I'm close, but after this morning I realize that I'm still not there. What I really want now is to go for a massage, and for my Mom to be waiting at my house for me with some flat Cocoa Cola to settle my stomach. Since neither of those things is going to happen, I'm going to get through my last few patients, go home, and hope that tomorrow is better!
Anyway, so my goal is now officially 150, and technically I'm not supposed to be more than 2 pounds below that, but I am, and no one cares...it's not like I'm starving to death, and I'm still well within the normal range for my height. My original goal 5 years ago was 139. I have not been in the 130's (139.8 to be exact), since 3/16/12...yes, I have ALL of my weight trackers for the past 5 years. Last week I lost 2.4 pounds and was 140.2. I had a great week this week and was SURE that I'd finally get back into the 130's...all I needed to do was lose 0.3 pounds! I even thought I had a good shot at getting back to an even 139. I was all ready to celebrate, and then I stepped up on the scale...I gained 0.8 lbs and am at 141. I was PISSED!!! My friend Gail could not believe how mad I was. My mood didn't get much better...work drama, a nauseous feeling all day (I haven't eaten anything since 11 am...it's 6:00 pm), I'm tired and my arms and shoulders are so sore (too many planks with my trainer and at yoga.) After work tonight I am skipping my deep stretch yoga class, which I usually love, to go home and rest...and try to figure out what I can eat without puking.
I had put a goal in my phone in February of getting down to 137 by Memorial Day. 137 was about what I averaged for the first 2 or so years after I lost my weight, and it just seems magical to me. After today I have to accept that that will probably not happen. I don't even know if 139.9 will happen. If there was no scale, I would be absolutely fine the way I am. I am happy with how I look, my clothes fit, and I feel strong physically. It upsets me that the scale can still effect me this much. For some reason I have a really hard time saying that I am happy where I am. I can sort of think it, but I can't really believe it, or say it out loud. I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be. I wish that my hips and stomach were smaller, and that my boobs and butt were bigger...maybe in another life I'll get my wish. With my luck, if I do lose anymore weight, my boobs will just get smaller, my butt will get flatter, and I'll still have a belly. You would think after all this time, I'd have learned to accept this. I'm close, but after this morning I realize that I'm still not there. What I really want now is to go for a massage, and for my Mom to be waiting at my house for me with some flat Cocoa Cola to settle my stomach. Since neither of those things is going to happen, I'm going to get through my last few patients, go home, and hope that tomorrow is better!
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Lows and Highs
I've experienced so many emotions during and after my 2 runs this weekend. Yesterday I went out for what was supposed to be a 9 mile long run (according to my half-marathon training plan.) I have not felt great while running in a couple of weeks...my legs never don't feel tight/sore/tired. I attribute that to not only running, but weights, yoga, and a job that keeps me on my feet often. I also started running 3 days in a row as part of the plan, whereas I used to try to avoid back to back runs. I slept in a bit yesterday, and headed out at 10 AM. I was trying out a new hydration belt which carried a full bottle of water and my phone. By mile 5 I was hot, tired, my legs were dead, and I felt like the belt weighed 15 lbs (at it's heaviest it was 1.8). I took it off and dropped it on the side of the road and tried to keep going. By that point I had a headache, and my heart wasn't in it. I eventually walked the approximately 2.5 miles home...it felt SO GOOD to walk!! I was SO disappointed! My last long run, which was right after I signed up for the June 1/2 marathon, was 8 miles, which I ran totally dehydrated and with a horrible headache. Before that I had done 9 miles twice and 8 miles once, all before I signed up for the June 1/2, and when I was just running on my own schedule. I felt like I had developed a mental block about long runs since I started the "official" training program that I found online. I did the "woe is me" thing for a bit, and then decided to focus on the positive, and figure out what changes I needed to make. First of all, I ran 5 miles!! I walked 2.5 miles!! I also came to a few realizations: I can't run with a hydration belt...I can't tolerate the added weight. I've decided to drop bottles of water along my route and see how that works. I need to start my long runs much earlier in the morning...like, be on the road by 7 AM. It's only May, but the heat and humidity are already too much for me by 10 AM. Most importantly, I need to cut out the 5 mile mid-week run, and stick to my two 3 milers, and then a weekend long run. No more back to back runs either. Some people can run everyday...I can't. My long runs will also be a range. This Sunday, instead of saying I'm going to run 10 miles, I am going to run between 8 and 10. I find that when I aim for less, I am usually able to do more. When I aim for more and can't get there, I feel like I've failed. There's no room for that in my running life!
Today I did a 5k run to benefit colon cancer research. My Dad is an almost 30 year survivor. I did the race with my SIL, who lost her sister to the disease 20 years ago. The race had a lot of meaning to both of us. I was allowed to choose my bib number, and chose 210...my Dad's birthday. My plan is to frame it, along with a picture of me at the finish line, and give it to him for Father's Day. It was SO cold, and SO windy, and SO hilly, but I had an unofficial time of 28:40...my fastest 5k ever!! This is why I run! Because on days when all of the elements seem to be working against you, adrenaline, and your will, carry you farther than you could ever imagine. During my run I said a prayer, thanking God for allowing us to keep my Dad here with us all those years ago. It was an amazing day!
This blog focuses on my weight loss and exercise journey, but I do want to just mention how my successes have effected other aspects of my life. I always considered myself shy. I never thought I was pretty. While there were areas of my life in which I was very confident, my physical appearance was not one of them, and social situations were very difficult for me. Perhaps age has something to do with it, but I feel like my confidence now is through the roof. Yes, I am happy with how I look now, but the focus now is on what my body can do, more than what it looks like. I feel strong, and it is an amazing feeling! If I put my mind to something, I have no doubt that I will do it. I believe that I have a lot to offer, and if other people don't see that, it's their problem, and not because there is anything wrong with me. I am happy, not because of anything I have, or anything I'm doing, but simply because I am. My life is not perfect, but I am extremely blessed, and I know it. There's a quote I love that says, "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." This explains it so perfectly, that there is really nothing more I can say!
Today I did a 5k run to benefit colon cancer research. My Dad is an almost 30 year survivor. I did the race with my SIL, who lost her sister to the disease 20 years ago. The race had a lot of meaning to both of us. I was allowed to choose my bib number, and chose 210...my Dad's birthday. My plan is to frame it, along with a picture of me at the finish line, and give it to him for Father's Day. It was SO cold, and SO windy, and SO hilly, but I had an unofficial time of 28:40...my fastest 5k ever!! This is why I run! Because on days when all of the elements seem to be working against you, adrenaline, and your will, carry you farther than you could ever imagine. During my run I said a prayer, thanking God for allowing us to keep my Dad here with us all those years ago. It was an amazing day!
This blog focuses on my weight loss and exercise journey, but I do want to just mention how my successes have effected other aspects of my life. I always considered myself shy. I never thought I was pretty. While there were areas of my life in which I was very confident, my physical appearance was not one of them, and social situations were very difficult for me. Perhaps age has something to do with it, but I feel like my confidence now is through the roof. Yes, I am happy with how I look now, but the focus now is on what my body can do, more than what it looks like. I feel strong, and it is an amazing feeling! If I put my mind to something, I have no doubt that I will do it. I believe that I have a lot to offer, and if other people don't see that, it's their problem, and not because there is anything wrong with me. I am happy, not because of anything I have, or anything I'm doing, but simply because I am. My life is not perfect, but I am extremely blessed, and I know it. There's a quote I love that says, "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." This explains it so perfectly, that there is really nothing more I can say!
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Back by Popular Demand!
Well ok, I'm exaggerating a little. I had one friend ask me to post an update. I honestly forgot I had a blog until she asked. I figure that while I sit here at 8:30 at night, waiting for the plumber to come and replace my 2 1/2 year old, $700 sump pump that died, I might as well write something.
I just read my post from January, and not much has changed since then. I am still running, and now have a 10k under my belt. Right after I hit that 6 mile mark, I just started running longer distances, because I realized that I could. After doing 9 miles 2 weekends in a row, people were saying to me that, if I could do 9, I could do a half marathon. I found one sponsored by CHAD (Children's Hospital at Dartmouth) at the end of October, and signed up. This one will be very special to me for a few reasons. First of all, it supports a wonderful cause. Secondly, I graduated from Dartmouth in 1995. To say that I was not athletic during my college years is an understatement (if you look back at my before and after picture, the before picture was me in college.) It seemed like everyone else on campus was always running or going to some sports practice. The idea that I will go back there 19 years after I graduated and run 13.1 miles is incredible to me, and makes me very proud! I'll also be running the race with my best friend, who now lives in Massachusetts, so I don't see her often. She is getting back into running after a serious hamstring injury about a year ago. We are treating ourselves to 2 nights at the Hanover Inn, delicious dinners, some drinks, and then we will go back to her house and I will visit with her, her husband, and her 2 adorable dogs for a few days. I cannot wait! I realized though, that October is 6 months away, and I was worried that my motivation would wane. I found The ODDyssey Half Marathon in Philadelphia on June 8th, and signed up. My first half marathon is only about 5 weeks away!! I started a formal training plan, but started at week 6, because that was the distance I was up to, and it worked out well, because that's how much time I had when I started. I've become a fan of Epsom salt baths, and am looking into buying a special kind of tape to tape my IT band...who am I, and when did I start speaking this foreign language??? It is so amazingly bizarre!!!
I continue to work with my trainer twice a week and do yoga 2-3x a week. My yoga studio hosted an 8 mile hike a few weeks ago along the Appalachian trail, which I did, along with 15 other people I did not know. That was all so outside my comfort zone, including going out to dinner together after, but I had an awesome time (and ran 9 miles the next day!) I am enjoying this new, active lifestyle more than I ever could have imagined. My trainer is pushing me harder now, but also listens to me if I tell him that my legs are dead, and we need to focus on other areas. He does not run, and is impressed with my progress. That's nice, coming from a very strong, fit guy! Now, he's not just happy with me doing push-ups, he shows me how to do them correctly, and when I'm done says, "Those were 10 quality push-ups!" I think my face will break from smiling so hard!
I recently joined a running forum on Facebook, and have found so many supportive, outgoing, optimistic, helpful people! I love having my newsfeed full of people's accomplishments and questions, and having somewhere to go to get my many questions answered, as well as to brag to people who really get it. Running is not just exercise to me anymore. I won't say I enjoy the act of running (although it has it's moments), but I LOVE that I CAN run, I love that I'm a runner, I love the way I feel when I'm done, and I love the way running is changing my body, and my mind. It is really hard to believe, and I wouldn't if it weren't happening to me.
One challenge has been what to eat, and how much to eat, to fuel my body. On WW, I get a certain number of points a day, extra for the week, and still more if I earn them through activity. My focus has typically been on how much I eat, meaning how many points, with little thought being given to WHAT I'm eating...if I want it, and can "afford" it, I can eat it. I also had this idea that running would earn me tons of points, so I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted. While I am definitely able to be more lenient and not gain, or not gain much at all, I wasn't losing, I was fatigued, and I was hungry. I've changed things up over the past few weeks, focusing a lot more on protein. I have also tried to divide my 49 points evenly over 7 days (which gives me 36 per day), rather than using them all during the weekend. 29 points is just not enough food, especially if I need to eat before and after a run, and then a few times during work so that I'm not a hungry, headache-y bitch by 5:00, when I still have 2 hours to go. 36 seems to be perfect. For weekend splurges, I use some of my activity points, and I like this, because I have truly earned them, and therefore, the splurge. I weighed in today, and am down 2.4 lbs!! Some would argue that I don't need to lose weight, and technically I don't, nor do I really think I do. However, I am now 1.2 lbs away from my original WW goal...a number I don't think I've seen in about 2 years. If I can get there, even if it's just for a week, I will be ecstatic!!
Life is really good right now. I became an Aunt for the 5th time a few weeks ago to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I have a colon cancer 5k coming up this weekend, which I will do with my sister-in-law. She lost her sister to the disease, and my Dad is an almost 30 year survivor. I got to pick my bib number, and chose his birthday, 210. I will frame it, and give it to him for Father's Day...it will mean a lot to me to give it, and I know it will mean a lot to him to receive it. In about 2 weeks, my Mom and I will head up to New Hampshire for our yearly trip to Dartmouth. A few of the highlights for me, other than trips to Lou's, Molly's and Lui Lui's, as well as 3 glorious nights at the Hanover Inn, will be our massages, going for a run around Occum Pond, and meeting a friend I met through my FB runners' forum who lives up there, and who will be doing the CHAD half as well. Shortly after I return, I head to Philly! I pick up my bib, t-shirt and goodie bag at a runners' expo, where I'm sure I'll find lots of cool stuff I "need" to buy. Then I'll spend the night in a fancy hotel, and be up bright and early to take the bus to the starting line. There, the young girl who couldn't walk around the track once in high school without getting shin splints, will RUN 13.1 miles. It's my version of a fairy tale, and it's going to come true.
I just read my post from January, and not much has changed since then. I am still running, and now have a 10k under my belt. Right after I hit that 6 mile mark, I just started running longer distances, because I realized that I could. After doing 9 miles 2 weekends in a row, people were saying to me that, if I could do 9, I could do a half marathon. I found one sponsored by CHAD (Children's Hospital at Dartmouth) at the end of October, and signed up. This one will be very special to me for a few reasons. First of all, it supports a wonderful cause. Secondly, I graduated from Dartmouth in 1995. To say that I was not athletic during my college years is an understatement (if you look back at my before and after picture, the before picture was me in college.) It seemed like everyone else on campus was always running or going to some sports practice. The idea that I will go back there 19 years after I graduated and run 13.1 miles is incredible to me, and makes me very proud! I'll also be running the race with my best friend, who now lives in Massachusetts, so I don't see her often. She is getting back into running after a serious hamstring injury about a year ago. We are treating ourselves to 2 nights at the Hanover Inn, delicious dinners, some drinks, and then we will go back to her house and I will visit with her, her husband, and her 2 adorable dogs for a few days. I cannot wait! I realized though, that October is 6 months away, and I was worried that my motivation would wane. I found The ODDyssey Half Marathon in Philadelphia on June 8th, and signed up. My first half marathon is only about 5 weeks away!! I started a formal training plan, but started at week 6, because that was the distance I was up to, and it worked out well, because that's how much time I had when I started. I've become a fan of Epsom salt baths, and am looking into buying a special kind of tape to tape my IT band...who am I, and when did I start speaking this foreign language??? It is so amazingly bizarre!!!
I continue to work with my trainer twice a week and do yoga 2-3x a week. My yoga studio hosted an 8 mile hike a few weeks ago along the Appalachian trail, which I did, along with 15 other people I did not know. That was all so outside my comfort zone, including going out to dinner together after, but I had an awesome time (and ran 9 miles the next day!) I am enjoying this new, active lifestyle more than I ever could have imagined. My trainer is pushing me harder now, but also listens to me if I tell him that my legs are dead, and we need to focus on other areas. He does not run, and is impressed with my progress. That's nice, coming from a very strong, fit guy! Now, he's not just happy with me doing push-ups, he shows me how to do them correctly, and when I'm done says, "Those were 10 quality push-ups!" I think my face will break from smiling so hard!
I recently joined a running forum on Facebook, and have found so many supportive, outgoing, optimistic, helpful people! I love having my newsfeed full of people's accomplishments and questions, and having somewhere to go to get my many questions answered, as well as to brag to people who really get it. Running is not just exercise to me anymore. I won't say I enjoy the act of running (although it has it's moments), but I LOVE that I CAN run, I love that I'm a runner, I love the way I feel when I'm done, and I love the way running is changing my body, and my mind. It is really hard to believe, and I wouldn't if it weren't happening to me.
One challenge has been what to eat, and how much to eat, to fuel my body. On WW, I get a certain number of points a day, extra for the week, and still more if I earn them through activity. My focus has typically been on how much I eat, meaning how many points, with little thought being given to WHAT I'm eating...if I want it, and can "afford" it, I can eat it. I also had this idea that running would earn me tons of points, so I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted. While I am definitely able to be more lenient and not gain, or not gain much at all, I wasn't losing, I was fatigued, and I was hungry. I've changed things up over the past few weeks, focusing a lot more on protein. I have also tried to divide my 49 points evenly over 7 days (which gives me 36 per day), rather than using them all during the weekend. 29 points is just not enough food, especially if I need to eat before and after a run, and then a few times during work so that I'm not a hungry, headache-y bitch by 5:00, when I still have 2 hours to go. 36 seems to be perfect. For weekend splurges, I use some of my activity points, and I like this, because I have truly earned them, and therefore, the splurge. I weighed in today, and am down 2.4 lbs!! Some would argue that I don't need to lose weight, and technically I don't, nor do I really think I do. However, I am now 1.2 lbs away from my original WW goal...a number I don't think I've seen in about 2 years. If I can get there, even if it's just for a week, I will be ecstatic!!
Life is really good right now. I became an Aunt for the 5th time a few weeks ago to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I have a colon cancer 5k coming up this weekend, which I will do with my sister-in-law. She lost her sister to the disease, and my Dad is an almost 30 year survivor. I got to pick my bib number, and chose his birthday, 210. I will frame it, and give it to him for Father's Day...it will mean a lot to me to give it, and I know it will mean a lot to him to receive it. In about 2 weeks, my Mom and I will head up to New Hampshire for our yearly trip to Dartmouth. A few of the highlights for me, other than trips to Lou's, Molly's and Lui Lui's, as well as 3 glorious nights at the Hanover Inn, will be our massages, going for a run around Occum Pond, and meeting a friend I met through my FB runners' forum who lives up there, and who will be doing the CHAD half as well. Shortly after I return, I head to Philly! I pick up my bib, t-shirt and goodie bag at a runners' expo, where I'm sure I'll find lots of cool stuff I "need" to buy. Then I'll spend the night in a fancy hotel, and be up bright and early to take the bus to the starting line. There, the young girl who couldn't walk around the track once in high school without getting shin splints, will RUN 13.1 miles. It's my version of a fairy tale, and it's going to come true.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A Major Shift
It's been almost 4 months since I last wrote. In that time, I've run 3 5k races, bettering my time each time, and running faster than a 10 minute mile in the Resolution Run on New Year's Day. I have another race coming up on February 8th, and plan on doing 1 a month every month this year. I am currently training for a 10k, although I've yet to find one, and have committed in my mind to running a half-marathon this fall. I am absolutely terrified at the thought, but also very excited (even though, after today's run, I am finding it difficult to walk, and wonder how in the world I will ever run 13.1 miles!) I've also started working with a trainer twice a week. When I first met with him, I told him that someday I wanted to do one "real" push-up (not from my knees.) Now I can do 3 sets of 10, which is absolutely amazing to me. I am also doing yoga anywhere from 1-3 times a week. I find it so challenging, but also very calming, because I can't think of anything other than what I'm supposed to be doing. Clearing my mind has always been a huge challenge for me, and yoga is an hour of a relatively quiet mind.
I am continuing to lose weight, slowly but surely, and am now about 5 lbs above my original WW goal. To get back to that will be such an accomplishment, because it's been so long since I've been there. I have all of my WW weight records from the past 5 years, and I looked back at them the other day. My weight now is the lowest it's been since last May, and as recently as August of this past year, I was 13 lbs heavier than I am now. It's been a long slow process, but I know I'm on the right track.
The major shift has been in my thinking about my body. I said to my Mom the other night that my focus now is not on my weight, but on the amazing things that my almost 41 year old body is able to do. I can RUN! I can LIFT! I can bend and stretch. I can do all of these things, and then go home, take care of my dogs and my home, work a full day, spend time with my friends and enjoy my nieces and nephews. I have made my health and fitness part of my life. It's an everyday part of my life. It's not something that gets fit in if there's time. I make time. My body amazes me everyday with what it can do, and I have become proud of it for that reason. A much better reason, in my opinion, that because of what size jeans I wear.
For the past 2 weeks I have mainly been following WW Simply Filling plan. Basically, as long as I eat from a list of "power foods" (whole wheat, fat-free dairy, lean meats, beans, fruits, vegetables, etc.) I can eat to satisfaction without weighing, measuring or tracking. I still get my 49 weekly points and earn Activity Points (running earns me a TON), and I mainly use these to splurge on the weekends. During the week I want to eat good food without thinking too much. That has been shredded wheat with a banana (my go-to breakfast even before the plan), tuna or turkey on a multi-grain light English muffin, vegetable soup with whole-wheat pasta that I eat between lunch and dinner, since I eat dinner late and am usually starving by around 4pm. For dinner I've been making a delicious crockpot turkey chili and eating a huge bowl over brown rice. Dessert is Orville Redenbacher Smart Pop popcorn...the whole bag! Last week I lost 1.6 lbs, after going out for Chinese food on Friday night and eating a few candy bars over the weekend! Clearly I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, so this plan has worked well for me. I probably won't do this strictly forever, but it's a great option for now. I also love how it's making me focus more on what I'm eating, and not just how much. With my increased activity level, I have to pay more attention to make sure I'm eating the right things, and I feel the need to eat more frequently. This plan allows me to do those things.
I definitely still struggle with believing that I am all the things that I'm starting to think I am, and that people are telling me I am (thin, tiny...yes, someone actually called me tiny!, attractive, strong.) It's really like I have an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulders, and which one I listen to depends on who's yelling louder that day. I also tend to allow my feelings to be too dependent upon the actions of others, and that is something I continue to work on. What I'm learning is that, while life is MUCH better when you are happy with your body, it's not perfect. While I continue to work on my outside, I'm also continuing to work to undo a lot of the insecurities, doubts and habits that I developed as an overweight child/teen/young adult. I can never lose that person, and I don't want to, but I've come a long way in making her voice a little bit quieter, and the new, confident, happy, proud voice that I've developed over the past few years grow louder.
I am continuing to lose weight, slowly but surely, and am now about 5 lbs above my original WW goal. To get back to that will be such an accomplishment, because it's been so long since I've been there. I have all of my WW weight records from the past 5 years, and I looked back at them the other day. My weight now is the lowest it's been since last May, and as recently as August of this past year, I was 13 lbs heavier than I am now. It's been a long slow process, but I know I'm on the right track.
The major shift has been in my thinking about my body. I said to my Mom the other night that my focus now is not on my weight, but on the amazing things that my almost 41 year old body is able to do. I can RUN! I can LIFT! I can bend and stretch. I can do all of these things, and then go home, take care of my dogs and my home, work a full day, spend time with my friends and enjoy my nieces and nephews. I have made my health and fitness part of my life. It's an everyday part of my life. It's not something that gets fit in if there's time. I make time. My body amazes me everyday with what it can do, and I have become proud of it for that reason. A much better reason, in my opinion, that because of what size jeans I wear.
For the past 2 weeks I have mainly been following WW Simply Filling plan. Basically, as long as I eat from a list of "power foods" (whole wheat, fat-free dairy, lean meats, beans, fruits, vegetables, etc.) I can eat to satisfaction without weighing, measuring or tracking. I still get my 49 weekly points and earn Activity Points (running earns me a TON), and I mainly use these to splurge on the weekends. During the week I want to eat good food without thinking too much. That has been shredded wheat with a banana (my go-to breakfast even before the plan), tuna or turkey on a multi-grain light English muffin, vegetable soup with whole-wheat pasta that I eat between lunch and dinner, since I eat dinner late and am usually starving by around 4pm. For dinner I've been making a delicious crockpot turkey chili and eating a huge bowl over brown rice. Dessert is Orville Redenbacher Smart Pop popcorn...the whole bag! Last week I lost 1.6 lbs, after going out for Chinese food on Friday night and eating a few candy bars over the weekend! Clearly I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, so this plan has worked well for me. I probably won't do this strictly forever, but it's a great option for now. I also love how it's making me focus more on what I'm eating, and not just how much. With my increased activity level, I have to pay more attention to make sure I'm eating the right things, and I feel the need to eat more frequently. This plan allows me to do those things.
I definitely still struggle with believing that I am all the things that I'm starting to think I am, and that people are telling me I am (thin, tiny...yes, someone actually called me tiny!, attractive, strong.) It's really like I have an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulders, and which one I listen to depends on who's yelling louder that day. I also tend to allow my feelings to be too dependent upon the actions of others, and that is something I continue to work on. What I'm learning is that, while life is MUCH better when you are happy with your body, it's not perfect. While I continue to work on my outside, I'm also continuing to work to undo a lot of the insecurities, doubts and habits that I developed as an overweight child/teen/young adult. I can never lose that person, and I don't want to, but I've come a long way in making her voice a little bit quieter, and the new, confident, happy, proud voice that I've developed over the past few years grow louder.
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