Comfort Zone? Bah Humbug!

Last night I attended the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Holiday Party. I have wanted to get involved in the alumni group since I moved here almost 8 years ago, but never had the guts to show up at anything, because I didn't know anyone. Last week, on a whim, I decided to RSVP for the party. I walked in last night, and there were little groups of people standing around talking. I hovered for about 10 min, thinking that THIS was the reason I never came to these things. Finally, I walked over to a group of 3 people who were a few grades below me, said hi, introduced myself, and said it was my first event. From that point on I had a great time, and plan on getting more involved.

If you looked at me last Christmas and again today, and asked me to give you a basic rundown of my life, it might seem to you that nothing has changed. Because not much has changed on the outside, I have allowed myself to believe that, indeed, nothing has changed. However, I know that that could not be further from the truth. I lived this past year mainly at the very edge of, or totally outside, my comfort zone. I started running, and then announced that I would run a half marathon. I did! Twice! I went hiking and to lunch with a group of strangers from my yoga studio, and had a great time. I took down walls that I had put up so long ago they seemed to be permanent structures. In doing so, I opened myself up to major rejection. When I wasn't rejected, I had fun like I have never had fun before, and saw my confidence skyrocket. When I was rejected, I had to deal with emotions from which I'd protected myself for years. But you know what? I survived, and learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. Last night I went to a party where I knew no one, and had an amazing time!

In spite of all the risks I've taken in the past year, I have still held on to one major security blanket...my binge eating. It's even outside my comfort zone to acknowledge this problem to myself, let alone to anyone else. I have kept my weight off these past 5 years by knowing how to play the game, rather than by changing the rules. When you take risks, you open yourself up to feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, rejection, etc. These feelings are not fun to have, and the way I've always dealt with them is to smother them with food. It was easier for me to feel guilty about overeating, or to feel physically sick, than to feel any of those other things, and confront the reasons why I was feeling them.

This past year I've had some very high highs, and some very low lows. I'm hoping that in 2015 I will continue to push the boundaries of what I'm used to, and comfortable with, but without the roller coaster of emotions...it's exhausting! I'm also determined to learn how to feel emotions, no matter how unpleasant, rather than trying to make them go away by washing them down with pizza and ice cream. I'm determined, and if there's one thing I've confirmed for myself this year, it's that, when I put my mind to something, I will make it happen.