Is This a Crutch?

Today at my WW meeting, we were talking about the danger of telling ourselves that we "can't" eat certain things. It puts us in that diet mentality, and makes us feel deprived. I have said that I'm having a much harder time this time around, because the newness has worn off. I also worry that my plan to do "Whole30" for the next 2+ months with only a few days off is too restrictive and unrealistic for me. I'm nervous too that, when I go on vacation in August after being so restricted for so long, I will go nuts.

I am considering switching to a Paleo approach, which is basically a less strict W30 with, I believe, 3 "cheat meals" a week. I would probably use these for my weekend dinners, because I hate having to cook on the weekends. I am also considering allowing myself one ice cream a weekend. My night sweats have continued despite stopping dairy, so I'm wondering if it WAS just a coincidence that they stopped in April. I still want to limit my dairy to the ice cream and maybe 1 or 2 of the cheat meals, and limit the sugar to those times as well. I'm definitely scared, because I don't want to go totally off the way I did before, but I also think I need to find a way to do this REALLY long term, and this is not it.

All that being said, I still encourage EVERYONE to do a true W30, and the reintroductions. I'm also not saying that I won't ever do another full one, but maybe it's just too soon, and I was planning it for too long a period of time. I can't let myself hide behind these "rules" forever, and need to make myself comfortable with moderation. I can't tell you I'm not excited about eating something other than chicken and cauliflower for dinner tonight, but I'm also pretty scared. I guess I'm going to make myself face that fear, rather than hiding from it. I've done moderation before, and I need to be strong enough to do it now. I'm hoping that, if I tell myself it's 3 meals and 1 dessert ONLY, that will be regimented enough for me right now.

I'd appreciate any feedback!

My Friends Rock!

Wow, what a difference a day makes! I feel so much better today, mainly because my 2-day headache is gone! I am not a fun person to be around when I get one of my sinus headaches. I'm starting to think that that's what it was, not so much from any type of food withdrawal. We had rainy, humid weather for the past 2 days, and that's what usually brings them on for me. As an aside, I once read that what people refer to as "sinus headaches" are actually a type of migraine (unless you have a sinus infection.) I think I will start referring to them as such...sounds worse and may get me more sympathy ;)

Today I met my WW friend Gail for breakfast. I call her my "WW friend" to remind you where we met, but she has become much more than that. As an example: I bought a new couch and loveseat on Sunday, but will not be off from work and available to wait for delivery until June 11th. My old couch has been moved, so my living room looks like a flop house right now, with the old couch cushions on the floor for the dogs (God forbid my dogs lay on the FLOOR!) Anyway, I asked Gail if she would come over on Saturday and wait for the delivery for me, because I trust her to keep my dogs safe and out of the way when the guys are moving stuff in. She said yes! What makes it even more awesome is that I got a delivery time of 8am - 11am, which means that she has to be here at 7:45 on a Saturday. She just keeps saying how excited she is to hang out with Fred, Annie and Marty. So grateful!

Anyway, at breakfast we were talking about my weird "hunger pains." I also mentioned that I've been taking Advil, Alleve, Tylenol, etc. for my shoulder pain. She suggested that the medicines might be causing the stomach pain. I used to take TONS of pain relievers to deal with undiagnosed endometriosis. That's been under control for a few years so, aside from the occasional MIGRAINE ;), I rarely take them. It makes sense since the pains didn't feel like regular hunger pains, and they would persist after I ate. I am going to try to lay off the pain medicine, and I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday to find out what's going on. A friend who is a physical therapist started using terms like "cervical radiculopathy", which freaked me out! It's not nearly as bad as it sounds, but it got me to call the doctor, which is a good thing.

I have to say that my friends really do rock. From waiting for couches and babysitting my dogs, to giving me advice on my shoulder, everything is just easier and better because of them. And for anyone who is reluctant to join Facebook: the physical therapist friend is someone I haven't seen in 20 years. We reconnected on Facebook, and I feel like I know her better than I ever did back in high school. The friend from whose blog I stole all those recipes? A very good high school friend, whom I also haven't seen in about 15 years. She now lives thousands of miles away, but we talk each other through our W30 ups and downs. Finally, a friend whom I met through blogs when we were both in the process of adopting from Kazahkstan, and whom I've met in person ONCE, is now on Day 10 of her first W30. She says that I inspired her to start, but her words of encouragement are what are helping me to keep going! My support network is so much larger than it would be if I were not on Facebook, and the more support I have, the more I can accomplish :)

One quick food note: For dinner I had Applegate Farms sausage, which were delicious, easy, and a nice change from my quick hamburger and hotdog meal. The other cool thing is that Applegate Farms is located in Bridgewater, NJ, which is where I work.

A Difficult Day 3

I'm finding this time around to be much harder. First of all, I'm STARVING all the time! I must not be eating enough, or eating things in the correct proportions. I rarely felt hungry during my first Whole30, and that was without snacking. Now, I eat, and feel like I haven't eaten. I just had a huge dinner, and I feel ok, but like I could still eat more. Maybe my brain hasn't realized that I've eaten yet??

I've also had a bad headache for the past 2 days. I'm not sure if it's some kind of detox headache, or if it's because of the rainy, humid weather, but I've been miserable. Working with a bad headache is really hard, and today I was so cranky. I also have had bad neck/left shoulder pain on and off for a few months. It was really bad on Saturday, and has lingered. No combination of pain medicines seems to help, and the movements I make at work are exacerbating it I'm sure.

Finally, it's no longer new and exciting. The fact that I've done it before makes it feel much less overwhelming, but also more boring. I know how good I can, and will (I hope) feel, but I don't feel that way yet, and I'm impatient. I want to feel skinny and happy and pain free...NOW!! I'm craving chocolate, pizza, ice cream, etc. I didn't have many cravings the first time. I have read that other people who've done multiple Whole30's find some easier than others. I guess it depends on where your body, and mind, are at the time. I'm just going to have to power through, because I know that it's so worth it.

Days 1 and 2

So I started my Whole26-ish yesterday, but yesterday was not a typical day. It was Memorial Day, and my 4 year old niece and nephew spent the afternoon with me. For breakfast I had 3 scrambled eggs with prosciutto (no sugar added!) and a green called tatsoi, which I'd bought from a local farmer. I was trying to use up the prosciutto, so I put in too much, and it was too salty for my taste. Lunch was not ideal, because I was feeding the kids pizza, trying to keep the dogs from eating the pizza, and throwing stuff into the crockpot for dinner for the week. I ended up eating 2 slices of turkey (again, no sugar added...you'd be surprised what they put in lunch meat!), a tsp of almond butter, and some fruit salad I had left over from a BBQ I had on Saturday. For dinner I had a hamburger with guacamole on top, a hot dog (again, it's critical to find hotdogs without sugar and that have no nitrates or nitrites added. I buy either Applegate Farms or online from U.S. Wellness Meats. I also buy my sugar-free bacon from them.) I put Dijon mustard (without white wine) and sauerkraut on top, and I also baked a sweet potato in the microwave and ate it with some coconut oil on top, because I was out of Ghee. To bake the sweet potato, poke some holes in it with a fork, put it on paper towel on a microwave-safe plate, and microwave for 8-10 minutes on high, depending on how big it is. This was my favorite go-to meal during my 1st Whole30. I get home late from work most nights and, if I didn't have anything already prepared, I could throw this together in no more time than it takes to bake the potato. Plus, it's filling, compliant, and delicious!

Yesterday I did some cooking for the week, which makes my life SO much easier. I borrowed all of these recipes from a friend's blog, with some modifications. For breakfast this morning I had a breakfast casserole, which I made last night. Here's the recipe from my friend's blog with my modifications included...SO easy and good!

Ingredients:
olive oil (1-2 TBSP)
roasted red pepper (2 jars) I used 1/2 of a 28 oz can
mushrooms (1-2 packages, pre-sliced) I used 1 package of unsliced and sliced them, because it's what I had
onions (1, sliced)
asparagus (1 bunch)
eggs (12) I used 14
oregano
basil
salt
pepper
cayenne
tomatoes (2 large, sliced)
fresh basil leaves

Grease a lasagna pan with olive oil. Layer veggies (except tomatoes). Beat eggs with spices and pour over veggies evenly. Place sliced tomatoes on top. Sprinkle with more pepper and cayenne (don't do too much salt). Chop basil leaves and layer on top. Bake in 375-degree oven until baked thoroughly (at least 30 min). I baked mine for 50 minutes.


For lunch I defrosted a piece of chicken with 40 cloves of garlic (recipe to follow), shredded it (because when I made it I didn't pound the chicken breasts and eating them grossed me out...too thick), and mixed it with some vegetables I'd roasted last night. I also had some leftover fruit salad. Roasting veggies is the best thing I learned how to do in April (I told you, I don't cook.) Chop up whatever you have/like, drizzle with some olive oil and seasonings (yesterday I did salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder), bake on 425 for 20-25 minutes and then broil on low for 5 minutes, watching to make sure they don't burn. Yum!

Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic

40 garlic cloves, peeled
4-6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts or 1 whole chicken
1 large onion, sliced
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 cup chicken broth
3 TB lemon juice
2 TB lemon zest
2 TB minced fresh parsley
2 tsp dried basil
1 tsp dried oregano
Dash crushed red pepper flakes


Line the bottom of the slow cooker with garlic and then onions. Add the chicken and sprinkle chicken with salt and pepper. Combine the remaining ingredients & pour over chicken. Cover and cook on low for 4-5 hours.
Sorry, no picture...I know, you're sad :(

Finally, dinner was the most delicious, and the meal I'm most proud of! I was going to make my friend's recipe for chicken with artichoke hearts, sundried tomatoes and leeks, but I couldn't find sundried tomatoes without sulfites added. I also didn't really have the time to stand at the stove with 2 4-year olds and 3 dogs running around, plus, it was a holiday and I was tired and lazy. Instead, I did a variation of a chicken taco chili I used to make (not Whole30 compliant.) I dumped a 28 oz can of roasted sweet red peppers (not drained), a can of artichoke hearts (not drained) and a can of black olives (drained) in the crock pot. My goal is life is to only cook by dumping raw things in a crockpot. I cut the peppers and artichoke hearts into smaller chunks with a scissor. I then put 3 chicken breasts on top and seasoned them with salt, pepper and Italian seasoning. I cooked it on high for 6 hours (you can do low for 10 hours too.) When it was done, I shredded the chicken. OMG, SO good!!!! I will definitely be making this often...super easy and magically delicious!



OK, this post is VERY long, and I said that I wasn't going to talk about what I ate, but about how I feel. Well, yesterday I felt happy, excited and in control. Today I feel in control, a little hungry (because I didn't eat enough for lunch) and I have a bad headache. Funny, I had a headache on Day 2 of my first Whole30 as well, and it was the only negative aspect of the whole thing. Hoping it's the same this time!

Whole30 #1-A Brief History

This past March I turned 40. I am not bothered by this at all, because I'm very happy with the life I've created for myself. However, my eating felt out of control. Not 198 lbs out of control, but not anywhere near where I wanted, and needed, it to be. One night, right before I went up to bed, I was browsing through Pinterest, and saw a pin titled something like, "What I learned during my Whole30." I had never heard of Whole30 before, and have no idea why I clicked on the link, but I did. After staying up way past my bedtime reading, I decided to give the Whole30 a try. I was curious to see if I'd feel as wonderful as people claimed they felt. I had tried being vegan a few years before, but couldn't stick with it long enough to feel any differently. I was vegetarian for about a year, but just ended up eating lots of pizza, and my cholesterol went up. Not the goal, and it was hard for me to maintain. The appealing thing about the Whole30 was that it was only 30 days...I figured I could do ANYTHING for a month! I ordered the book, "It Starts With Food" (which isn't necessary, but I highly recommend it) and committed to starting on April 1st. Conveniently, this was the day after Easter, a Monday, and the 1st day of a 30 day month...I love stuff like that! Here is the link to the website where you can learn exactly what the Whole30 is.

Other than having a headache on Day 2, I found the plan surprisingly easy to follow, however, pre-planning is KEY! For someone who does not really enjoy cooking, and who's not great at it, this way of eating was somewhat challenging at first. It is NOT a fast-food-friendly plan! It is time and labor-intensive and, if you buy mainly organic like I chose to, it is not cheap. However, I cannot put a price tag on how amazing I felt while eating this way! Basically it's no grains of any kind, no white potatoes, no alcohol, no sweeteners of any kind (not even honey), no legumes and no dairy. The hardest for me by far was the sugar and grains. I also missed my ice cream, but not the way I miss it when I am not doing a Whole30, but forbid myself from having it. That's what I loved about the Whole30. There was no decision-making. Many things were not "allowed" and if I'm anything, it's a rule-follower!

In 30 days I lost 14.7 lbs, my body looked dramatically different, my mood was stable, things didn't set me off the way they had, if I got annoyed about something at work, I didn't dwell on it. I was just HAPPY :) I didn't exercise much, which I'd like to change the next time, but I realized that often I go to the gym to try and work off things I've eaten which I feel I shouldn't have. Since I was eating well, that guilt wasn't there.

I will talk more about the specifics of the plan, and what I ate/eat, in future posts. Once I finished my Whole30, I quickly fell back into my old habits, despite swearing that I never would. I decided to start another Whole 30 on July 1st, but I've been so out of control lately, that I decided not to wait. Today I started a Whole26-ish. In a few weeks I am having a colonoscopy (my dad had colon cancer at the age of about 40, so I've gone every few years since the age of 30.) Obviously prepping for that will take precedence over the Whole30. On June 22nd I have my niece's HS graduation party, and I want to be able to "off-road" a bit. I will be Whole30 compliant other than the prep and end the day of the party. Then I will take some time off, and start again on July 1st. My dogs got me up at 5:15 for breakfast this morning and, while feeding them, I realized that I was starting today. I was so excited! I want those feelings of happiness, control, energy and health back...I've missed them more than I ever could've imagined I would.

Wait, I'm Not Cured???

As I remember it, things were pretty easy for the first 2 years after I reached goal. Friday was my weigh-in day, and then Friday night I'd let my hair down with dinner out or take-out, and dessert (usually ice cream.) The other 6 days of the week I was mostly on plan. Even if I didn't track what I was eating on paper or on my computer, I did so in my head and, during the week, my meals and routine didn't vary too much. My goal weight was 139, and I was able to stay within 2 lbs of that with no problem. I actually hovered more around 135-137. Just as an aside, if a woman who's 5'4" and weighs 137 wears a size 4, what size do REALLY skinny people wear???

Anyway, I don't know exactly when the old habits started to creep back in, but they did. My "free day" went from being Friday to Friday and Saturday, then Friday-Sunday, etc., until I was trying to undo a week's worth of damage in a day or two before I had to weigh-in on Friday. I remember the first time I knew that I was more than 2 lbs over my goal and would have to pay. I was so embarrassed that I weighed in on a Thursday, so that I wouldn't have to face the women I usually saw. It was dumb, but I was so disappointed in myself. In the spring of 2012, my Mom and I visited Hanover, NH. For the entire trip I had to wear the same pair of black yoga pants, which were supposed to be my pajamas, because the jeans I had brought were too tight. Bad.

Through it all, I continued going to Weight Watchers every week. Paying became much less of an issue, because I had to do it on a fairly regular basis. At one point, I increased my goal to 146, the highest allowed for my height, and there were times when I STILL had to pay. I would feel in control one week, and then totally out of control for the next 3. It was/is very hard, when all I wanted was to get the old magic back. Why couldn't I get things to click anymore? How had I gotten so far away from what I was supposed to be doing? Where was my will power? These are questions I'm still asking myself. I got a glimpse of that old determination in April, when I did my first Whole30 but, once again, it's beginning to slip away. I guess I can't expect 2 years of good eating habits to easily win out over 30 years of bad ones, but it doesn't hurt to dream...

Do Cows Get Night Sweats??

This post is sort of random, because I haven't talked about my first Whole30 yet, or even really gotten into what the Whole30 is (I will, I promise.) I also need to tell you how I got from kicking WW (Weight Watchers) butt to desperately needing to kick myself in the butt and take off the weight I had put back on...I'll get to that tomorrow. I've just been thinking about this a lot today, and wanted to share it. I'm hoping it will make you think about the impact the foods you eat have on every aspect of your life.

I get night sweats. Like, "wake up in the morning, shirt and pants wet enough that I have to change them otherwise I will freeze" night sweats. I figured it was MY hormones (I just turned 40) and that it was just something I'd have to live with. Then I did the Whole30, where I ate/drank no dairy, legumes, grains, alcohol or sweeteners of any kind for 30 days. Shortly after starting, I realize that the night sweats had stopped. I thought it might be coincidence, but then it didn't happen once for an entire month. Now that I'm off the Whole30 eating plan, the night sweats are back...not as bad as before, but they're back.

I have a strong suspicion that it's because of the hormones in the non-organic dairy I am having. The day after I reintroduced dairy, I was in the WORST mood! I hadn't felt that way during the entire Whole30, but it was a feeling I was very familiar with from before. A number of people said it was probably from the hormones in the dairy. Could the night sweats have the same cause? It makes sense...

I strongly urge anyone who wants to continue eating and drinking dairy to spend the money and go organic, ESPECIALLY if you have children. After a promised date for pizza and ice cream with my niece and nephew tomorrow, I am saying goodbye to non-organic dairy for good, and all dairy for the most part. I don't like being bitchy and sweaty!

The Baptism Picture I Always Wanted...

The time right after I made lifetime at Weight Watchers was amazing! For awhile I couldn't STOP losing weight...my Dad told me to eat more, and I thought I might be sick. Me? Not able to STOP losing weight?? I was working out consistently, so I not only looked thin, but I was toned too. It is the best I think I've ever looked, and it seemed easy. I had figured out how to stay on Weight Watchers, but also allow myself occasional "cheat meals." It had become a way of life for me, not a diet, and I did it without much thought. 7 months after I hit goal, my sister had her first baby, a boy. Shortly before her baby shower, my Mom was visiting, and we were shopping. Right before we left, I said I wanted to take a quick look in the Ann Taylor outlet. As soon as I walked in, I saw a beautiful white and tan dress. I tried it on on a whim, and it was perfect! My Mom and I stood and looked at my reflection in the dressing room mirror. How could a girl who had to shop at a plus-size women's store as a young teenager be standing there in a size 4 dress??? I bought the dress and wore it to the shower...I felt so beautiful that day!

When I went shopping for a dress to wear to Michael's baptism, it was magical. I ran to Macy's after work one Friday and grabbed a few dresses. The first one I picked up was different than anything I'd ever worn. It was a knit, fitted dress in a snakeskin pattern with a thin black belt. I thought it was a longshot, but it caught my eye. I tried it on first, and it fit like a glove. I couldn't remember ever enjoying dress shopping so much! I had gotten to a point where, if I didn't like how something looked on me, I blamed it on the clothes and not on my body. If something looked ugly, it was because IT was ugly, not me. I bought the dress and, at the baptism, as I was chasing my Godson Jack around the church, my Uncle Artie took the kind of picture of my Godson and me that I had so desperately wanted from his baptism. It is one of my absolute favorites. As bad as I felt about my body at Jack and Mady's baptism is how good I felt about myself at Mikey's.

"I Wanna be Bad..."

The title of this post is a reference to the Willa Ford song from the 80's or 90's. The thing about my weight issue is that it's been one of the few negatives in a very blessed life. I had a pretty idyllic childhood...the oldest of 4 children, my Dad is a retired NYC Firefighter, my Mom a retired teacher. We lived very close to my cousins in a great area and went to amazing schools. School always came easily to me, although I did let it stress me out more than I should have (more on my anxious nature at another time.) I was by no means one of the "cool kids", but I had friends in all different groups. I was president of the Honor Society, in the school musicals and orchestra, and was always volunteering for something or other. I was accepted early admission to Dartmouth College, my dream school, and, while it was hard being away from home, I had a wonderful 4 years, and Dartmouth still holds a special place in my heart. I majored in German and minored in Biology, and I had the opportunity to travel to Germany 3 times...once in HS, once in College, and once as a 30th birthday present to myself.

After College I studied to become and optometrist, and had the best 4 years of my life! I met 2 of my very dearest friends during that time. I did a residency in Pediatric Optometry, and then stayed on as faculty at the school for 7 years. In 2007, I bought a home and landed the perfect job (which literally fell into my lap!) That year I also adopted 2 of my 3 rescue dogs, and a year later I became an Aunt to a beautiful little boy and girl. At no point in my life was there something I tried out for or applied to that I didn't get. And yet, food was always winning the fight. When I told an elderly relative that I had graduated 2nd in my class from Junior High she said to me, "I always knew you'd be the smartest, if not the fattest." Yeah. I could not get the weight off and keep it off. If I'm going to play psychologist, I will say that food/eating/my weight was the one area of my life where I allowed myself to not be "perfect." I wanted to be bad, and with a gallon of ice cream, or an entire pizza, I could be. As a child, there were people who didn't want me to overeat, and doing so was a sort of rebellion I guess (hence the sneaking food into my room, hiding it in a drawer, and locking the door.) As an adult I realized that no one really cared anymore. The decisions I made were not hurting anyone but me. There was no reason to feel guilty for overeating, because no one was watching or judging. I only had myself to answer to now.

"In the beginning, God made food...and it was good."

I decided to start this blog to help me prepare for my second Whole30, which will officially start on Monday, July 1st. I wanted to blog during my first one, which I did during the month of April, but I never got around to it. A friend of mine blogged during hers, and I loved reading about her experience. However, unlike her, I am no great cook and, since this will be my second one, my blog will be less about what I eat, and more about how I feel.

However, there is a lot more to this story than the fact that, for 30 days I will not eat dairy, grains, legumes or sugar of any kind. You see, my love/hate relationship with food started as early as I can remember. I believe that my pediatrician put me on my first diet when I was about 5 or 6. Crazy, right? And I wonder why I can't just eat like a "normal" person! I'm not going to get into my feelings on childhood obesity, and how it's handled. Let's just say that I have very strong opinions on the topic. When I hear women at my Weight Watchers meetings pine for their teenage years when they were thin, I can't relate AT ALL. I'm thinner now than I was then. That might sound great, but I will never know what it's like to wear a mini skirt and look cute, or a bikini at the beach before gravity takes it's toll. Oh well.

The first time I joined Weight Watchers I was about 16 years old, and weighed 198 lbs. I will throw numbers around here. My weight is no longer a big secret. I guess after so many years of thinking about it, worrying about it, and stepping on and off scales, it has lost some of its power over me. But I remember that 198. I was almost 200 lbs at a time when I should've been wearing that mini skirt or bikini. Despite all the ups and downs my weight has taken, I have never gotten back up to that number. That's something, right?

There are many years and many stories in between, but for now we'll fast forward to 4 years ago. My niece and nephew had been born 7 months before, I had stopped pursuing an international adoption that was very far along, and I was feeling lost. I was finally a Godmother to my beautiful nephew, and I didn't even buy a new outfit for his baptism, because I hated the way I looked. Here were 2 new human beings whom I adored. If I could become the person I wanted to be, they would never know the way I looked "before." That became my goal. I didn't EVER want to be the "fat aunt." I walked into Weight Watchers for what felt like the one millionth time in March of 2009, but this time everything fell into place. I was doing it for those babies. I was doing it because, after 30-some years of dieting, I was done. I just didn't want it to be THE issue in my life anymore. I wanted to move on.

I found an amazing leader named Beverly, made a wonderful WW buddy named Gail, and became very open about my journey on Facebook. All the kids from high school whom I never could've dreamed of telling that I had to go to WW in high school? I was posting about my success, and they were cheering me on! People told me that I motivated them. It blew my mind, and kept me going. I couldn't let those babies down, I couldn't let myself down, and I had people who were rooting for me. In November of 2009, I hit goal for the first time ever, and a few weeks later, I was a lifetime member. Little did I know that the journey had really just begun.