This is a difficult post to write, and I thought about just waiting until I was "done" before I wrote again, but that wouldn't be honest. Since Jeff and I started dating (8 months ago today), I've gained about 25 lbs, and am now back up to what I was when I started WW in March of 2009. I am in a slightly smaller clothing size I think, and I attribute that to the fact that I have continued to exercise, more or less, even while my eating has been out of control.
This year has been amazingly wonderful, but has also turned my world upside down. I started a new relationship, dated sort of long distance, and now Jeff is in the process of moving in...he's here, but is moving his things in slowly, and will have his apartment until his lease is up at the end of January. He has also changed careers, which means we're adapting to a new schedule. I have been single for a long time, and have lived alone for over 8 years. I have never grocery shopped, or shared food or meals, with someone else. I always knew that losing weight was easier for me in that respect...I bought and ate what I wanted, no thought to what anyone else wanted or needed.
About a month or 2 ago, I canceled my Half Size Me Community membership. I think I just needed a break from talk about food and weight loss. I had bilateral carpal tunnel surgery in June, and in August I was diagnosed with a herniated disc in my back, and had chronic pain for 6-8 weeks. I did little to no exercise over the summer, and ice cream because a dietary staple.
Jeff and I are slowly but surely getting into a routine, although his school schedule has been crazy, with Back-to-School nights, and holidays, there hasn't been much of a rhythm. We're figuring out where to put all of his stuff, and have renovated one bathroom, and are working on turning the laundry room and closet into a mud room (although that process has been stalled by a leak we found, which required Jeff to remove a large part of the ceiling...all because I decided to repaint!) Anyway, things are coming together slowly, and I'm proud of how calm I've been able to stay, in spite of all the changes...I don't do well with change!
There are a bunch of things coming up: my cousin's baby shower, a trip Charleston, SC at Christmas to visit Jeff's best friend, the AFJROTC military ball in January, a trip to Vegas and the Grand Canyon at Easter, Jack and Mady's Communion in May, and hopefully a trip to Germany in July to visit some of Jeff's friends, and some of mine. Marriage is also in the cards at some point. I could certainly do all of these things at the weight I am now, have a wonderful time, and be happy. Jeff loves me the way I am, that I know for sure. I used to think that if I lost weight, I'd find a boyfriend. Well, I lost weight, gained some back, found a boyfriend, and gained back the rest. He's still here, and we're still happy. However, I want to get back down to a weight where I feel more comfortable, and can wear at least some of the clothes that no longer fit. My goal now is not to lose 40 lbs again...that number is not sustainable at this point in my life. My goal is to lose the 25 that I've gained over the past 8 or so months. I've rejoined the HSMC, started tracking calories on My Fitness Pal, am going for walks, starting back to strength training (mainly arms and abs), and Jeff and I have started taking a yoga class on Sunday mornings. I'm looking at my journey in 5 lb blocks. My focus now is to lose 5 lbs. Easy peasy!
Jeff and I have our first formal event coming up in a few weeks...his friend is getting married. I'm looking forward to dancing together...we both love to dance, but have never had the chance to do so together. I know I have to go and buy a new dress, because the ones I have don't fit. I'm not thrilled, but know that I will find something that I feel beautiful in. I no longer see myself as a fat girl. I'm a thin girl who's gained some weight, and needs to get it off. I will. Slowly but surely, I'll get there. I would not change the life I have right now for all the weight loss in the world, but who says I can't have it all???
For me, the thinnest I have been (not including as a small child) was when I was the least happy. So, the line here that says, "I could certainly do all of this...and be happy" to me is key. I understand and support the idea of being comfortable in your clothing and am striving for that myself. But, the harder challenge is being comfortable in your own skin even (and especially) when you're uncomfortable in your jeans, and you seem to have mastered that challenge. So, congratulations! Good luck! And, enjoy! xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow Rose! Thanks for sharing...I am in the same boat as you with a few things as you know. I got out of a relationship, lost a significant amount.of weight and have managed to slowly put some back on...almost 20lbs to be exact. I have been looking at myself I the mirror in anger and frustration that I allowed myself to put that weight back on. I feel that the more frustrated I get about it, the harder I find it is to lose it. I workout, don't really eat badly...an indulgence every now and again. I am not happy with what I see now because I see myself going towards where I once was and I was miserable. So, we keep fighting the fight and keep mo in forward. I really enjoy your posts, they are so inspirational and real!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it!!! We are here to support you!
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