The Thankful Post

I'm down 2.7 lbs this week!! Wednesday is my weigh-in day, whether I attend a WW meeting or not. Today I weighed in at 151.3, and my goal is to get down to somewhere between 140 and 142 by the middle of February. My plan from now on is to blog every Wednesday, in conjunction with my weigh-in. Next week is the first Wednesday of December, so I WILL attend a WW meeting. In order to not have to pay, I will need to be at 152 or less (with clothes on, obviously...at home I weigh myself naked.) If I have to pay next week, so be it, but I'm hopeful that I won't need to.

Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I decided to do a "What I'm Thankful For" list, as it applies to my weight-loss journey. Here it is:

I'm thankful that I'm at a healthy weight. It may not be my goal weight, but no doctor is going to tell me that I need to lose weight.

I'm thankful that I'm healthy. When I think about my weight-loss, I tend to focus on how I look. But when I hear stories of people who had a wake-up call when they were told that they were pre-diabetic, etc., I realize how lucky I am that I never got to that point. I do remember a time as a kid when my pediatrician put me on a diet because my blood pressure was high. I think I was in elementary school. That's nuts! I've never had a problem with high blood pressure since then.

I'm thankful that I'm physically fit. I'm in much better shape now than I've ever been. When I told my parents that I wanted an exercise bike for Christmas, neither of them questioned if I'd use it. My friends and family realize that this healthy lifestyle is not a fad. It's for real.

I'm thankful that I never gave up on myself. When you're 36 years old, and have been overweight for as long you can remember, it would be very easy to just assume that that is how you will always be. I'm very proud of myself for gambling on myself one more time.

I'm thankful for the number 150. Ideally I'd love to be about 139, realistically 140-142. 150 is the number that, when I hit it, makes me realize that I need to reign things back in. Of course I have gotten INTO the 150's, which is not ideal, but by having that danger zone, it keeps me from ever letting things get totally out of control.

Of course I'm thankful for my amazing family, my incredible friends, my cute little house, my 3 crazy dogs, and a job I enjoy, which allows me to make a difference in the lives of children. I'm also very thankful for this past year. It has been wonderful and horrible, amazing and challenging, but I have learned so much about myself, and continue to every day. I wish you and everyone you love a wonderful Thanksgiving. Be safe, and remember, anything you eat tomorrow has no calories!!

Self-care

When people would say to me, "You need to live your life for you" or "You need to take care of yourself", I used to get annoyed. I'm not married, and I don't have kids, so who else am I living my life for? Other than my dogs, who am I taking care of other than myself? It's only recently that I'm realizing that keeping myself alive, with a roof over my head, is not really taking care of myself. Living my life for me does not mean going to get my nails done when I want to, because no one can tell me not to. Sometimes, self-care means NOT doing what I want to do, if the reason I want to do it is that its's easy, or comfortable, or familiar. I'm working very hard at getting out of my head and being present. However, I'm also trying to see how my actions will impact my life a day, a week, or a month from now, not just this minute.

This week had the potential to be very bad for me eating-wise. When I am stressed or tired, I tend to binge, and this week set me up to be both. Yesterday was day 6 of a 6 day work-week. I'm off today, and back to work tomorrow for 3 days before a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend (yippee!). I rarely work 6 days in a row, but when I do, I go into it in a bad mood, and by day 4 or 5, I'm ready to snap. This time was different. First, I never looked ahead. The week went very quickly because I took it one day at a time. Really, working 6 days in a row is just 15-20 more patients than working 5 days. I just focused on that day, that patient, and didn't worry about how many more days were left before Sunday, and before I knew it, it was Saturday! I actually said to myself yesterday, "I can't believe I'm in such a good mood!" I wasn't tired, run down, or on edge. I also had some interactions with people in my life this week that temporarily threw me for a loop. I was put in a position that really challenged the idea of not just doing what was easy and familiar, but what would serve me best in the long run. I stayed strong, but came out of it somewhat drained. Standing up for what I need, and not just giving in to what I want, is still new for me, and does not come easy.

So, how did I get through this week, other than just taking it one day at a time? I was kind to myself, and took care of myself, both physically, and mentally. First, I have been tracking my food religiously since Monday. To keep myself honest, I send a picture of my etools tracker to my friend Gail each night. When I am in control of my eating, I feel so much more centered. When my eating spirals out of control, it seems like everything else does too. I also did some form of exercise almost every day. Tuesday I took a barre class, Wednesday a yoga class, Thursday I walked, Friday and today, more yoga. I cannot stress enough how much yoga helps me mentally. For someone who's brain is always in overdrive, I feel like the only time my mind is clear is during yoga, and when I'm asleep!

I have also become totally addicted to the Half Size Me podcasts. I rarely watch TV or listen to the radio these days. Whether I'm in the car, or at home in the evening, I'm usually listening to a podcast. These interviews with people who've lost significant amounts of weight are so inspiring to me. Even though I've never lost 100+ lbs, I totally identify with their struggles. Many of them have had weight problems all their lives. I don't know too many other people like that. I sometimes find myself nodding yes to the things they say, the feelings they've had, the things they've been told. It makes me feel like I'm not the only person who doesn't long for my skinny teenage years, because I never HAD skinny teenage years!

A few things this week that I'm really proud of: Wednesday was an emotionally draining day for me. It was also the half-way point of a long work-week. Despite that, I stuck to my points at work, and didn't raid the snack box. At the end of the day, I knew I wanted some comfort food. Normally this would mean pizza, ice cream, candy, or all of the above. Instead, I treated myself to a tuna sub from an awesome place by my house (one of my favorite things to eat, but still within my points), and a diet Pepsi...I no longer keep diet soda in the house. I went home, had my dinner, listened to a podcast, and went to bed. Stressful day successfully navigated! Yesterday, as I was driving home, I realized that I was tired, hungry, and would be bored once I got home. I contemplated pizza, or another tuna sub. I didn't do the pizza because it was too many points. I didn't do the tuna because, as I mentioned, I've put myself on a strict budget. On Wednesday after work I'm going out with some co-workers. I'm also getting my hair done on Tuesday. Eating out between now and when I get paid on Friday, other than on Wednesday, is just not in the budget. Could I have made it happen? Sure, but then I wouldn't have been sticking to my budget. That's what I've always done in the past, "made it happen." Not because it was what was best for me long-term, but because it's what I wanted now...it's what was easy and familiar and comfortable. Instead, I came home, kept myself busy by putting together my new recumbent exercise bike, made myself dinner, and went to bed feeling very proud of myself.

Finally, the biggest thing I did this week was email my blog link to pretty much everyone in my address book. If I have your email address, and I can remember who you are, you got it! Listening to these podcast interviews, and hearing that most of these people have blogs, made me think that maybe my story could help someone. I sent the email during lunch at work yesterday, and as I was driving home, I had a moment of panic...what did I do?? I've never tried to hide this blog, and have shared it on FB and other places with strangers. Somehow though, the idea of personally emailing it to people i know and saying, "Here's my story. Read it, and share it wih anyone you think it might help" really freaked me out! I started wondering what people would think of me, and the things I've done, said, and thought. I wondered if my posts were too long and boring for anyone to read. Then I decided that I have nothing to hide. Everything I've written is 100% honest. If someone doesn't like what I have to say, or thinks it's boring, they don't have to read it. However, I've gotten some awesome feedback in the past, and the idea that I have inspired even one person to not give up on themselves helps me to keep fighting. If that email gets my blog to one more person who needs to read it, then the discomfort I feel at opening myself up will be totally worth it.

5 Years!!

I was listening to a Half Size Me podcast in the car on the way home from work yesterday. A woman who lost over 100 lbs said that she once heard a dietician speak, and the woman said about successfully maintaining weight loss, "Talk to me when you've kept the weight off for 5 years." Well, guess what November 10th was??? My 5 year anniversary of hitting my goal weight, after losing 40 lbs! There have been tons of ups and downs, and I'm currently trying to get off about 10-12 lbs that I put on over the summer. The difference now vs. 5 years ago is that I know I can do it. I did it 5 years ago, I did it after I gained 10-15 lbs last summer, I'll do it again. This is my life now. There's no going back 😊

Big Changes

The past year has been one of huge changes for me: in how I live, how I think, and how I feel. It's not all stuff that I will share on a public blog, but I feel like I will look back on this year as one of the most important in my life. I mentioned in my last post the idea of living authentically. I feel like years of doubt and fear and questioning my own ability to make decisions that are right for me are finally falling away. I got to goal 5 years ago this month, but it's just now that I'm starting to feel like the emotional weight is being lifted. I will tell you that this journey has been so much harder than the physical transformation and, unlike hitting a goal weight, there is no end. When you lose weight, you often expect that your life will be so different, and in many ways it is. But when you've spent the first 36 years of your life overweight, it takes much more than a 40 lb weight loss in 8 months to figure out and deal with all the reasons you became overweight as a child, and even more so, the complicated reasons you stayed that way as an adult. I've made progress, because I'm finally in a place where I can look at myself and admit my weaknesses, admit my desires and my needs, and say what I want. Going out and living that is a much more difficult task, but it's incredibly rewarding work.

But this is a weight-loss/maintenance blog, so that is what I will talk about now. I just cannot separate eating and emotions, because for me they go hand in hand. I'm working on that, but food has always given me more comfort than anything else in my life. That's why working on myself internally is so important if I want to continue to look and feel good physically. So I mentioned that I had gained 10-15 lbs over the summer. Last week I started really trying to get that weight off, although I had some terrible days, and have only been tracking for the past 2. Regardless, I've lost 2.8 lbs in the past 2 weeks! My goal is to be down another 10-12 in the next 10-12 weeks...very doable, despite the holidays. I started listening to a podcast called Half Size Me. The app is available in the App Store and on iTunes for $1.99, and I highly recommend it. The woman Heather lost 170 lbs on WW. You can also find Half Size Me on FB. I really like listening in the car on my way home from work. Nights are my binge eating times, and listening to all of the success stories of people she interviews gets me in a good frame of mine for the night ahead. I always kind of knew that I was a binge eater, but now that I've listened to her outline the criteria, I KNOW that I suffer from a binge eating disorder. It started as a kid, sneaking and hiding food. I don't have to sneak or hide anymore, but bingeing is something I still struggle with often. I love having something to listen to right before a tough time of the day, or maybe right before a binge is going to happen...haven't tried that yet, but I hope I will!

I have not gone to WW in about a month. I am more than 2 lbs over my goal, and would have to pay $15. I just paid off a bunch of credit cards, and am on a very tight budget. I'm determined to get myself financially healthy in 2015! I have found that I don't miss the meetings. My leader Bev, whom I adore, used to stray off topic, and we'd discuss the emotions and psychology of being overweight. Since she left, the meetings are mainly about how to lose weight. I've been doing this for 25 years...I know I need to track my food, drink water and exercise! If I have to sit through one more meeting before Thanksgiving where the leader tells us to guess how many points are in a cup of stuffing, I'll scream! At first I needed the support of WW. Now, I've built my own support system outside of the meetings. I decided yesterday that weekly meetings no longer fit what I need anymore. I'd rather spend my Wednesday mornings at yoga. I will go once a month to weigh in and stay for a meeting, but that's it. I will continue to follow the plan, track, and weigh myself weekly, but it's time to move on.

One of the things that the podcasts have me interested in is clean eating...more whole foods, fewer processed and packaged foods. For someone who hates to cook, this will be a challenge, but it's something I want to research and move towards with baby steps. I've finished with my year of personal training and quit the gym. My new recumbent bike arrives today, an early Christmas gift from Santa, and I'm so excited to finally have a piece of exercise equipment in the house...I don't even own hand weights! I'm trying to mix up my activity more...some walking, some running, some bike, yoga, and my new thing, barre classes. They're a fun way to strength train, and I'm hoping to buy a 10 class pass (if the budget allows!) and go once a week.

Life is good...confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, but good. I'm excited for 2015. There are more layers to peel away, and I'm ready!

Summer Synopsis

Wowl I can't believe that my last post was about my first half marathon! So much has happened since then that it feels like a lifetime ago. I've done tons of writing, talking, thinking, and growing these past few months, and it has not been easy. I'm a different person than I was when I began running last August, and I like this person, because she's the most "me" that I've ever been.

I got a tattoo in March, and the reaction from many people who have known me for a long time was, "You're not the kind of person who gets a tattoo." I'm not sure what that "kind" of person is, but I knew what they meant, and I knew that they were wrong. What I've spent the summer trying to do is to begin to live more authentically. To be who I am, and do what feels right to me, without worrying about what is expected of me, or what I "should" do. At 41 years old, I am learning to live for me. I'm also trying to stop compartmentalizing my life, so that I can only focus on one or two areas, while neglecting others. I want to be a complete person, true to my values and priorities...no one else's.

While I did a lot of work on my inside this summer, I began to neglect my outside. I did train for, and run, my second half marathon on October 26th, but my heart wasn't in the training. I did it because I had committed to it, but I felt that I had already proven to myself that I could do it, so the motivation wasn't there. I had a lot on my plate, and was tired. The weekend of the race I was in NH with my best friend, and getting away at that time, and being with someone who really knows me, was just what I needed. I came home and had a week off to rest and regroup, and I feel more energized and clear headed than I have in a long time. I'm feeling grateful for my job, my health, my family and friends, and ready too get back to things I've been neglecting.

Over the summer I gained about 15 lbs. I'm pretty much back to where I was last year at this time. I'm done with the trainer, and quit the gym. I will run/walk outside, and I've been doing lots of yoga. Yoga has saved me many times over the past few months. It is something I need, mentally just as much as, if not more so than, physically. My enthusiasm for running has waned, but it gives me cardio in a short amount of time, so I will continue. I'm sticking to 5ks for the foreseeable future, and have one on Thanksgiving, and one on New Year's Day.

Anyway, I know this post is vague and short, but I just wanted to check in. I'm looking forward to the holidays, and excited to see what 2015 has to offer. A year ago I never could have anticipated the roller coaster that this past year turned out to be. I'm committed to living my life from now on with a clear mind and an open heart. I wish you all the same!