Self-care

When people would say to me, "You need to live your life for you" or "You need to take care of yourself", I used to get annoyed. I'm not married, and I don't have kids, so who else am I living my life for? Other than my dogs, who am I taking care of other than myself? It's only recently that I'm realizing that keeping myself alive, with a roof over my head, is not really taking care of myself. Living my life for me does not mean going to get my nails done when I want to, because no one can tell me not to. Sometimes, self-care means NOT doing what I want to do, if the reason I want to do it is that its's easy, or comfortable, or familiar. I'm working very hard at getting out of my head and being present. However, I'm also trying to see how my actions will impact my life a day, a week, or a month from now, not just this minute.

This week had the potential to be very bad for me eating-wise. When I am stressed or tired, I tend to binge, and this week set me up to be both. Yesterday was day 6 of a 6 day work-week. I'm off today, and back to work tomorrow for 3 days before a 5 day Thanksgiving weekend (yippee!). I rarely work 6 days in a row, but when I do, I go into it in a bad mood, and by day 4 or 5, I'm ready to snap. This time was different. First, I never looked ahead. The week went very quickly because I took it one day at a time. Really, working 6 days in a row is just 15-20 more patients than working 5 days. I just focused on that day, that patient, and didn't worry about how many more days were left before Sunday, and before I knew it, it was Saturday! I actually said to myself yesterday, "I can't believe I'm in such a good mood!" I wasn't tired, run down, or on edge. I also had some interactions with people in my life this week that temporarily threw me for a loop. I was put in a position that really challenged the idea of not just doing what was easy and familiar, but what would serve me best in the long run. I stayed strong, but came out of it somewhat drained. Standing up for what I need, and not just giving in to what I want, is still new for me, and does not come easy.

So, how did I get through this week, other than just taking it one day at a time? I was kind to myself, and took care of myself, both physically, and mentally. First, I have been tracking my food religiously since Monday. To keep myself honest, I send a picture of my etools tracker to my friend Gail each night. When I am in control of my eating, I feel so much more centered. When my eating spirals out of control, it seems like everything else does too. I also did some form of exercise almost every day. Tuesday I took a barre class, Wednesday a yoga class, Thursday I walked, Friday and today, more yoga. I cannot stress enough how much yoga helps me mentally. For someone who's brain is always in overdrive, I feel like the only time my mind is clear is during yoga, and when I'm asleep!

I have also become totally addicted to the Half Size Me podcasts. I rarely watch TV or listen to the radio these days. Whether I'm in the car, or at home in the evening, I'm usually listening to a podcast. These interviews with people who've lost significant amounts of weight are so inspiring to me. Even though I've never lost 100+ lbs, I totally identify with their struggles. Many of them have had weight problems all their lives. I don't know too many other people like that. I sometimes find myself nodding yes to the things they say, the feelings they've had, the things they've been told. It makes me feel like I'm not the only person who doesn't long for my skinny teenage years, because I never HAD skinny teenage years!

A few things this week that I'm really proud of: Wednesday was an emotionally draining day for me. It was also the half-way point of a long work-week. Despite that, I stuck to my points at work, and didn't raid the snack box. At the end of the day, I knew I wanted some comfort food. Normally this would mean pizza, ice cream, candy, or all of the above. Instead, I treated myself to a tuna sub from an awesome place by my house (one of my favorite things to eat, but still within my points), and a diet Pepsi...I no longer keep diet soda in the house. I went home, had my dinner, listened to a podcast, and went to bed. Stressful day successfully navigated! Yesterday, as I was driving home, I realized that I was tired, hungry, and would be bored once I got home. I contemplated pizza, or another tuna sub. I didn't do the pizza because it was too many points. I didn't do the tuna because, as I mentioned, I've put myself on a strict budget. On Wednesday after work I'm going out with some co-workers. I'm also getting my hair done on Tuesday. Eating out between now and when I get paid on Friday, other than on Wednesday, is just not in the budget. Could I have made it happen? Sure, but then I wouldn't have been sticking to my budget. That's what I've always done in the past, "made it happen." Not because it was what was best for me long-term, but because it's what I wanted now...it's what was easy and familiar and comfortable. Instead, I came home, kept myself busy by putting together my new recumbent exercise bike, made myself dinner, and went to bed feeling very proud of myself.

Finally, the biggest thing I did this week was email my blog link to pretty much everyone in my address book. If I have your email address, and I can remember who you are, you got it! Listening to these podcast interviews, and hearing that most of these people have blogs, made me think that maybe my story could help someone. I sent the email during lunch at work yesterday, and as I was driving home, I had a moment of panic...what did I do?? I've never tried to hide this blog, and have shared it on FB and other places with strangers. Somehow though, the idea of personally emailing it to people i know and saying, "Here's my story. Read it, and share it wih anyone you think it might help" really freaked me out! I started wondering what people would think of me, and the things I've done, said, and thought. I wondered if my posts were too long and boring for anyone to read. Then I decided that I have nothing to hide. Everything I've written is 100% honest. If someone doesn't like what I have to say, or thinks it's boring, they don't have to read it. However, I've gotten some awesome feedback in the past, and the idea that I have inspired even one person to not give up on themselves helps me to keep fighting. If that email gets my blog to one more person who needs to read it, then the discomfort I feel at opening myself up will be totally worth it.