High boundaries, Low expectations, Open heart

I had a major shift in the way I view my weight-loss journey this week. Funny how after 5 years of maintenance, I still consider it a "weight-loss journey." I guess it's because weight is such a fluid thing. It would be great if once you got to your goal weight, it just stuck...kind of like your height. But it doesn't. It's also a journey, because what worked a year ago might not work now. You are your own science experiment. You read things, you hear things, you see things, and you try them out to see if they work.

About a month ago I started listening to the Half Size Me podcasts (free on iTunes, HIGHLY recommended!) In that short time, I have listened to 143 1-hour episodes, and am almost caught up...episode 150 was released today. At first I saw them as inspirational stories of people who had lost, in most cases, much more weight than I had. However, the more I listened, the more I learned, and the more I started shifting my thinking, and my behaviors. The biggest thing I got from HSM is the knowledge that I am a binge eater, and that I don't want to be. It's not something I'd ever given too much thought. I just thought that I liked to eat, so I did...a lot. I figured it wasn't a problem, since I'd lost my weight, and kept it off for the most part. What I've realized is that my reasons for bingeing go much deeper than a simple love of food. I am at a point in my life where I want to cut the cord. I want to deal with the issues, rather than feed them. It's a pretty powerful realization to have at 41 years old, but it's also extremely liberating. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I can choose to no longer be a slave to food, and that is the choice I have made.

I lost 2.1 lbs this week, and I have to say that it was the easiest weight I've lost in a long time. What I mean by that is that I didn't worry or obsess, I ate pizza, cookies, frozen yogurt and a bagel. When I weighed myself this morning, I couldn't remember how much I'd weighed last Monday, so I didn't know what my results were until I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal (MFP). I knew it had been a good week though, and that's what really mattered. The HSM podcasts have changed my thinking tremendously. I realize that the scale is, in many ways, a useless tool for measuring success. My clothes fit better, my exercise routine is going well, I'm tracking religiously, and most days I eat at a calorie deficit. Those are the things that matter, and the weight loss will follow. If it doesn't, it's because I'm gaining muscle, and that's great too!

I had a few NSV's (non-scale victories) this week: I fit into a pair of pants that Toni had given to me in October when she cleaned out her closet. They were tight then, but really nice, so I took them. On Saturday I was able to wear them to work! On Friday night I delayed a major binge by walking Marty, having pizza for dinner (which I tracked), and listening to podcasts. I did eat baking chips when I woke up after falling asleep on the couch, but I tracked them. I realized that when I fall asleep on the couch, I often wake up looking for something sweet. Sure enough, the next night the same thing happened. This time, the left over baking chips were in the garbage, and I had some diet coke instead. Score! Saturday was a very stressful day from beginning to end. When I got home from work, I did some kettle bell swings, which really improved my mood, had a dinner that made me happy and full, talked to a friend on the phone, and relaxed. No binge!!

Yesterday I went to Walmart and bought myself a 30 lb kettle bell. The 15 lb one I bought a few weeks ago is now too light for 2-hand swings. It's hard to spend money on myself at this time of year, but I'm getting stronger, and I need to reward myself for that, and keep challenging myself. I have to say that switching over from WW points plus to calorie counting on MFP has been incredible for me! Tracking is no longer a chore, the app works much better than etools (including the scanner...SO MUCH BETTER), and I love having a break down of nutrition. I never realized how little protein I was eating, and getting in more has been a major focus. I also like knowing if I've gone over with sodium or sugar...it's taken the focus away from just how much I'm eating, and put it more on what I'm eating. I actually changed my goal from losing 1 lb a week to 0.5 lbs a week. I was having a hard time hitting a 500 calorie per day deficit, and didn't like constantly seeing that I was over my goal for the day. There is really no hurry, and I know I'm burning calories that aren't noted when I use my kettle bell. Now my goal is a 250 calorie a day deficit, which is much easier, and I don't constantly feel like I'm "failing".

The thing I'm trying to work on that is not food-related is to keep my boundaries high, and my expectations low. I need to learn to say no to people, even if it's simply because I don't WANT to do what they are asking, not necessarily because I CAN'T. I need to treat people the way I feel I should treat them, but not expect that they will necessarily treat me with as much kindness and consideration. If they don't, I can either continue the relationship, or not. What I can't allow myself to do is to continue the relationship, but feel resentment towards them for not treating me the way I want to be treated. When I say that I need to keep my boundaries high, I don't mean put up walls to keep people out. I mean that I need to prioritize my time, my needs, and my life. If I give of myself too freely, then others will expect that I will always be available. That is not their fault, it is mine. I read a quote that sums up perfectly what I'm working on these days: "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect." The best way to demand respect from others is to show respect for myself. That's a major goal of mine for 2015.