Yesterday started out crappy. I went out for a 3 mile run, but had to keep stopping to catch my breath. How had I run a half-marathon just 6 weeks ago? 3 mile runs used to be my "easy" runs. The Turkey Trot I did on Thanksgiving was the same one I did last year. Last year I ran the whole thing. This year I couldn't. I was talking to my best friend yesterday morning, and said that I felt like all the progress I'd made in the past year was gone...I'd gained weight again over the summer, just like I did last year. I could no longer run 3 miles without stopping, and some relationships that I'd worked very hard on were nowhere near where I'd hoped they'd be at this point. As a matter of fact, some were non-existent...just like last year. I had never really put all that together and thought about it, but when it came out of my mouth, I realized that that's how I felt, and it was not a good feeling at all. All the hard work I'd put into so many areas of my life seemed to have been for naught. After I hung up with Toni, I took a step to symbolically distance myself from someone in my personal life. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but I am at the point where I'm realizing that I can't hang onto something that doesn't exist. Anyway, I drove to work, and was in a really bad mood. Someone had brought in Christmas cookies, and I raided the box. After I had eaten about 10, I felt less anxious, but then I was pissed. It wasn't a coincidence that my first real binge in over 2 weeks came shortly after I hit delete. Once again I used food to make myself feel better. It worked temporarily, but not for very long.
Today was the day that I had committed to going to WW and weighing in, no matter what. Before my cookie binge, I was pretty sure that I would be within 2 lbs of my goal weight, and would not have to pay. After eating all those cookies, I got really frustrated at the thought that I'd have to pay $15. I got even more annoyed when I realized that I might have to pay anyway, since I'd missed the entire month of November. After not missing an entire month in over 5 years, were they really going to charge me for missing a month? I contemplated not going, or going and walking out if anyone told me I owed money. Then I realized that I'd brought it on myself...I chose not to go to a meeting for 6 weeks. I chose to eat too much and gain weight. $15 would not break the bank, and it would be a deterrent next time I thought about making less than stellar choices.
As I was sitting at work feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from someone who had read my blog and is interested in interviewing me in February about my weight loss journey. This is someone I follow, and who I have great respect for. To say that I was excited was an understatement, and I smiled for the rest of the night. I think having this interview on the horizon will be just the thing I need to keep me motivated and excited about the future. I went to WW this morning and was only 0.6 lbs over my goal. I've actually been weighing myself at home for the past 4 weeks, and in that time I've lost 5.6 lbs. I guess they didn't realize that I had missed all of November, or that's not a rule they enforce, because I did not have to pay anything! I sat through the meeting, bored out of my mind. Since finding the Half Size Me podcasts and community, I find I get very little from WW, other than a way to track my food that works for me. I will go once a month to weigh in and keep my lifetime status, but will no longer stay for meetings.
One thing I've been thinking a lot about for the past few days is the idea of being "enough." Not even good enough, just enough. I was talking to a friend recently about a relationship that wasn't going the way I wanted it to. After listening to my ideas as to why that was, and how I felt about it, she said, "So you're back to thinking that it's because there is something wrong with you. Why can't it be that there's something wrong with the other person?" The answer was very clear to me. If there's something wrong with ME, then there's the possibility that I can fix it. I know I can't fix someone else, so if the problem is with the other person, then I am helpless to do anything, and need to walk away. It is not like me to give up on something I want, so I continue to look for what I'm doing wrong, or some inherent flaw in my character that I can change or fix. The problem there is that, when there is nothing I can do or change, I feel like a failure.
One thing that has been very difficult since losing weight, is that I no longer have the weight to blame. Before, if someone didn't like me, or if my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat. Now that I no longer am, if someone doesn't like me, or my life isn't the way I want it to be, it must mean that there's some hidden reason, something about me that is undesirable, or not good enough, and I don't even know what it is. If I don't know what it is, how do I fix it?? I'm starting to wonder if that's why I keep letting my weight creep back up. As long as I have 10 lbs to lose, there is something about myself left to improve. As long as I'm working on myself, there's still the hope that down the road, I will have...fill in the blank.
What I'm trying to work on now is remembering that I am enough. Every relationship involves 2 people, and I can only control my actions. If the other person is not willing to do 50% of the work, then I need to move on, rather than hang around trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The answer is that there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe someday I'll believe it.
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