The Summer of Big Pay Offs!

It's Memorial Day Weekend, which means the official beginning of summer! I don't usually like the summer, because I can't stand the heat and humidity, but this year I'm kind of looking forward to it. They say that summer bodies are made in the winter, and that was just proven to me. I am going to my community pool tomorrow for the first time, so I took out all of my bathing suits to wash, and I tried them all on first. Of course I can always find things to dislike, mainly from the waist down, but overall I was very happy with what I saw in the mirror! I love the way my arms, shoulders and back look after 6 months of working with my trainer, and doing yoga. I've always liked the shape of my calves, but now they are more muscular from all the running I've been doing, and I can even live with my thighs. My waist is smaller, and my stomach is flatter, but the biggest difference between this summer and last is that my confidence is so much greater than it has ever been.

Over the past year, I've worked on myself in so many different ways. I buckled down on WW to lose the extra 15 or so pounds that I had gained. I've also increased my activity level, and varied the activities I do...running for cardio, my trainer for strength, and yoga for strength, flexibility, clarity of thinking, and time to just stop and breathe.

When we think about "working on ourselves", I think most of us think about working on the outside...losing weight, toning up, changing our hair, buying new clothes, whatever. We tend to be very aware of the things about our physical appearance that we want to change. This makes these things easy to work on, whether or not we are successful. Working on ourselves internally is more difficult, in my opinion, because we are such complicated beings, that it's hard to know where to start. If you have been a certain way for as long as you can remember, how do you even begin to change? Isn't it just who you are? There are things about myself that I knew I wanted to change but, like everything, until I was really ready, it wasn't going to happen. I have finally begun to learn how to get out of my own way, and to embrace my life as an incredible roller coaster ride. If you don't take risks, you can't possibly receive any rewards, and you won't grow as a person. In many ways, I feel like this is my time. I feel badly for people who seem to have peaked in high school or college. Sure, I wish that I had been thinner, more confident, more social, whatever, back then. However, no matter how confident you are as a teenager, it cannot possibly be as complete a confidence as can be had in adulthood. I have a self-awareness now that was just not possible back then. I speak up for myself, I take care of myself, and I love myself...faults and all. I know what I want, and I know what I deserve. Each day is a gift, and I feel so blessed to be living this life at this time. It's taken a long time, and I've worked really hard to get to this point, but it makes being here now that much sweeter. I'm hoping that the Summer of 2014 lives up to my expectations, but whatever happens, I'm going to enjoy the ride!

Double Digits!!

Today was huge! I did a 10 mile run this morning...my first double digit run!! There is something about running 10 miles vs. 9 that seems very significant. I've heard that once you can do 10 miles, you are a "true" long-distance runner. I'm not sure who made up this rule, because honestly, anything over 5 miles seems really long to me! I've also heard from many people who have run no more than 10 miles on a training run before running their first half marathon. This is a big deal to me, because my half is in 3 weeks. After this morning, it seems very doable!!

I had 2 terrible long runs in a row. One was 8 miles, and I did it completely dehydrated and with a horrible headache. Last week I went out for 9, but only did 5. That was on Saturday, and on Sunday I did the colon cancer 5k. I did another 3 mile run before work on Tuesday, and was supposed to do another on Thursday. From Wednesday to Friday I had a mild stomach virus, and decided to take a break from running. By this morning, my legs felt better than they had felt in a long time! I had forgotten what it felt like to not have sore, tired, stiff legs. I was worried that 4 days off from running would make today more difficult, but I believe that it is exactly what I needed, and I am so happy that I listened to my body.

I was so well prepared for my run this morning, which I was definitely not for my past 2 long runs. I follow a few running forums on FB, and have learned so much from experienced runners. I bought a pair of compression shorts and a pair of compression sleeves for my calves. They are really meant for recovery, but I ran in them. The shorts definitely help keep my quads, hips and IT bands feeling good. Not sure that the sleeves helped my calves that much, but they might be a little too big and not offer enough compression...not sure. Regardless, they are hot pink tie-dye, so at least I look cute ;)

What was critical this time is that I was well hydrated. Running with a hydration belt was a disaster, so I moved on to Plan B. I filled up my water bottle with water and electrolyte powder, carried it with me for the first half mile, and then put it in a spot that I would pass about every 2.5 miles (I run a loop.) I allowed myself 3 approximately 1 minute stops to drink, re-tie my shoes, stretch out my legs, etc. I used to think that if I stopped I was "cheating." Today I realized that it was the best thing I could possibly do. It gave me time to drink, broke up my run, and gave me a goal..."get to the water!" I also ate a pack of Gu energy gel before my run, and then at mile 5. Before my run I also had a tsp of almond butter. I never felt hungry, thirsty, tired, and I never had a headache. Other than some achy calves, I felt great!

I was out running by 5:50 this morning, and finished by about 7:30. I woke up to feed the dogs, and was going to go back to bed for about an hour. But the sun was up, I was a little anxious about the run, and definitely wanted to be done before it got too warm. It was perfect! The weather was beautiful, there were few cars and almost no people out, and after I was done, I was still able to enjoy the morning before I had to leave to celebrate Mother's Day with my family.

I dedicated my run this morning to my Mom, who has always believed in me way more than I ever could believe in myself. Last week I ran my fastest 5k for my Dad, and today I did my longest run for my Mom. I love that!!

I'm taking tomorrow off...sort of. I'll take Marty for a 5k walk, but we go slow (thanks to Marty needing to stop every 10 feet), and then I have to work. Tuesday morning I'll do a 3 mile run and work with my trainer, same for Thursday. Wednesday morning I'll walk with Marty, and Wednesday night is deep stretch yoga. Friday is an off day. Saturday I'll be travelling to NH, and will spend the majority of the day on the train. That will be a nice rest for my legs. My training schedule only calls for a 10k long run next weekend, which is perfect since I'll be on vacation with my Mom, and won't want her to have to wait for me forever. I'm really looking forward to doing a 6 mile (and then 3 mile on Monday) run around the Dartmouth campus. It's going to be awesome!!

I hope all of you had a nice Mother's Day. I'm going to spend the Amazon gift card I got to buy more electrolyte powder and Gu!!

Still? Really?

Today was my first weigh-in of the month at WW. I do weigh-in every week, but only the first one "counts", meaning that if I'm more than 2 pounds over my goal weight at that first weigh-in, I have to pay the weekly meeting fee, and then have to weigh-in (and pay) every week until I get back within 2 lbs of goal. The highest goal I am allowed to have for my height is 146. For awhile, despite eating right and exercising, I was having a hard time staying within 2 pounds of that. I was, but it was a real struggle, and mentally it was exhausting. I spoke to my doctor, and she happily increased my goal to 150 (by writing a note.) She said that I did not need to lose any more weight, that I was healthy and doing everything right, and that I shouldn't stress about it. Since I got that note, the weight has come off...go figure!

Anyway, so my goal is now officially 150, and technically I'm not supposed to be more than 2 pounds below that, but I am, and no one cares...it's not like I'm starving to death, and I'm still well within the normal range for my height. My original goal 5 years ago was 139. I have not been in the 130's (139.8 to be exact), since 3/16/12...yes, I have ALL of my weight trackers for the past 5 years. Last week I lost 2.4 pounds and was 140.2. I had a great week this week and was SURE that I'd finally get back into the 130's...all I needed to do was lose 0.3 pounds! I even thought I had a good shot at getting back to an even 139. I was all ready to celebrate, and then I stepped up on the scale...I gained 0.8 lbs and am at 141. I was PISSED!!! My friend Gail could not believe how mad I was. My mood didn't get much better...work drama, a nauseous feeling all day (I haven't eaten anything since 11 am...it's 6:00 pm), I'm tired and my arms and shoulders are so sore (too many planks with my trainer and at yoga.) After work tonight I am skipping my deep stretch yoga class, which I usually love, to go home and rest...and try to figure out what I can eat without puking.

I had put a goal in my phone in February of getting down to 137 by Memorial Day. 137 was about what I averaged for the first 2 or so years after I lost my weight, and it just seems magical to me. After today I have to accept that that will probably not happen. I don't even know if 139.9 will happen. If there was no scale, I would be absolutely fine the way I am. I am happy with how I look, my clothes fit, and I feel strong physically. It upsets me that the scale can still effect me this much. For some reason I have a really hard time saying that I am happy where I am. I can sort of think it, but I can't really believe it, or say it out loud. I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be. I wish that my hips and stomach were smaller, and that my boobs and butt were bigger...maybe in another life I'll get my wish. With my luck, if I do lose anymore weight, my boobs will just get smaller, my butt will get flatter, and I'll still have a belly. You would think after all this time, I'd have learned to accept this. I'm close, but after this morning I realize that I'm still not there. What I really want now is to go for a massage, and for my Mom to be waiting at my house for me with some flat Cocoa Cola to settle my stomach. Since neither of those things is going to happen, I'm going to get through my last few patients, go home, and hope that tomorrow is better!

Lows and Highs

I've experienced so many emotions during and after my 2 runs this weekend. Yesterday I went out for what was supposed to be a 9 mile long run (according to my half-marathon training plan.) I have not felt great while running in a couple of weeks...my legs never don't feel tight/sore/tired. I attribute that to not only running, but weights, yoga, and a job that keeps me on my feet often. I also started running 3 days in a row as part of the plan, whereas I used to try to avoid back to back runs. I slept in a bit yesterday, and headed out at 10 AM. I was trying out a new hydration belt which carried a full bottle of water and my phone. By mile 5 I was hot, tired, my legs were dead, and I felt like the belt weighed 15 lbs (at it's heaviest it was 1.8). I took it off and dropped it on the side of the road and tried to keep going. By that point I had a headache, and my heart wasn't in it. I eventually walked the approximately 2.5 miles home...it felt SO GOOD to walk!! I was SO disappointed! My last long run, which was right after I signed up for the June 1/2 marathon, was 8 miles, which I ran totally dehydrated and with a horrible headache. Before that I had done 9 miles twice and 8 miles once, all before I signed up for the June 1/2, and when I was just running on my own schedule. I felt like I had developed a mental block about long runs since I started the "official" training program that I found online. I did the "woe is me" thing for a bit, and then decided to focus on the positive, and figure out what changes I needed to make. First of all, I ran 5 miles!! I walked 2.5 miles!! I also came to a few realizations: I can't run with a hydration belt...I can't tolerate the added weight. I've decided to drop bottles of water along my route and see how that works. I need to start my long runs much earlier in the morning...like, be on the road by 7 AM. It's only May, but the heat and humidity are already too much for me by 10 AM. Most importantly, I need to cut out the 5 mile mid-week run, and stick to my two 3 milers, and then a weekend long run. No more back to back runs either. Some people can run everyday...I can't. My long runs will also be a range. This Sunday, instead of saying I'm going to run 10 miles, I am going to run between 8 and 10. I find that when I aim for less, I am usually able to do more. When I aim for more and can't get there, I feel like I've failed. There's no room for that in my running life!

Today I did a 5k run to benefit colon cancer research. My Dad is an almost 30 year survivor. I did the race with my SIL, who lost her sister to the disease 20 years ago. The race had a lot of meaning to both of us. I was allowed to choose my bib number, and chose 210...my Dad's birthday. My plan is to frame it, along with a picture of me at the finish line, and give it to him for Father's Day. It was SO cold, and SO windy, and SO hilly, but I had an unofficial time of 28:40...my fastest 5k ever!! This is why I run! Because on days when all of the elements seem to be working against you, adrenaline, and your will, carry you farther than you could ever imagine. During my run I said a prayer, thanking God for allowing us to keep my Dad here with us all those years ago. It was an amazing day!

This blog focuses on my weight loss and exercise journey, but I do want to just mention how my successes have effected other aspects of my life. I always considered myself shy. I never thought I was pretty. While there were areas of my life in which I was very confident, my physical appearance was not one of them, and social situations were very difficult for me. Perhaps age has something to do with it, but I feel like my confidence now is through the roof. Yes, I am happy with how I look now, but the focus now is on what my body can do, more than what it looks like. I feel strong, and it is an amazing feeling! If I put my mind to something, I have no doubt that I will do it. I believe that I have a lot to offer, and if other people don't see that, it's their problem, and not because there is anything wrong with me. I am happy, not because of anything I have, or anything I'm doing, but simply because I am. My life is not perfect, but I am extremely blessed, and I know it. There's a quote I love that says, "I love the person I've become, because I fought to become her." This explains it so perfectly, that there is really nothing more I can say!