Still? Really?

Today was my first weigh-in of the month at WW. I do weigh-in every week, but only the first one "counts", meaning that if I'm more than 2 pounds over my goal weight at that first weigh-in, I have to pay the weekly meeting fee, and then have to weigh-in (and pay) every week until I get back within 2 lbs of goal. The highest goal I am allowed to have for my height is 146. For awhile, despite eating right and exercising, I was having a hard time staying within 2 pounds of that. I was, but it was a real struggle, and mentally it was exhausting. I spoke to my doctor, and she happily increased my goal to 150 (by writing a note.) She said that I did not need to lose any more weight, that I was healthy and doing everything right, and that I shouldn't stress about it. Since I got that note, the weight has come off...go figure!

Anyway, so my goal is now officially 150, and technically I'm not supposed to be more than 2 pounds below that, but I am, and no one cares...it's not like I'm starving to death, and I'm still well within the normal range for my height. My original goal 5 years ago was 139. I have not been in the 130's (139.8 to be exact), since 3/16/12...yes, I have ALL of my weight trackers for the past 5 years. Last week I lost 2.4 pounds and was 140.2. I had a great week this week and was SURE that I'd finally get back into the 130's...all I needed to do was lose 0.3 pounds! I even thought I had a good shot at getting back to an even 139. I was all ready to celebrate, and then I stepped up on the scale...I gained 0.8 lbs and am at 141. I was PISSED!!! My friend Gail could not believe how mad I was. My mood didn't get much better...work drama, a nauseous feeling all day (I haven't eaten anything since 11 am...it's 6:00 pm), I'm tired and my arms and shoulders are so sore (too many planks with my trainer and at yoga.) After work tonight I am skipping my deep stretch yoga class, which I usually love, to go home and rest...and try to figure out what I can eat without puking.

I had put a goal in my phone in February of getting down to 137 by Memorial Day. 137 was about what I averaged for the first 2 or so years after I lost my weight, and it just seems magical to me. After today I have to accept that that will probably not happen. I don't even know if 139.9 will happen. If there was no scale, I would be absolutely fine the way I am. I am happy with how I look, my clothes fit, and I feel strong physically. It upsets me that the scale can still effect me this much. For some reason I have a really hard time saying that I am happy where I am. I can sort of think it, but I can't really believe it, or say it out loud. I will never be stick thin, nor do I want to be. I wish that my hips and stomach were smaller, and that my boobs and butt were bigger...maybe in another life I'll get my wish. With my luck, if I do lose anymore weight, my boobs will just get smaller, my butt will get flatter, and I'll still have a belly. You would think after all this time, I'd have learned to accept this. I'm close, but after this morning I realize that I'm still not there. What I really want now is to go for a massage, and for my Mom to be waiting at my house for me with some flat Cocoa Cola to settle my stomach. Since neither of those things is going to happen, I'm going to get through my last few patients, go home, and hope that tomorrow is better!