Last night at our HSM meeting, we were asked to write down goals, why we wanted to accomplish them, and what behaviors we would change to make those goals happen. I decided to do something similar here, to try and hold myself more accountable.
1) Significantly decrease the amount of processed foods in my diet. I know I should be more specific with this, but I don't do well with the term "eliminate." I'm going to limit myself right now to one Diet Coke a day with dinner (unless I'm out, in which case I will be more lenient). I am not going to bring sweets into my home, unless I am hosting a party. I will let myself have a piece of cake, etc. if I'm at a gathering at someone else's house. I am going to begin transitioning from flavored creamer in my coffee to unsweetened almond coconut milk. This will be a process. I will do the best I can.
2) Take a yoga class 1-2 times a week.
3) Do some type of strength training 3x a week.
4) Try a Les Mills Body Pump class, to see if I want to purchase the home kit.
5) Run 3 miles 2x a week (until March, when I will begin training for my next half marathon).
6) Walk 3 miles with Marty as often as I can.
7) Use my recumbent bike on cardio days when I am unable to walk/run outside or get to the gym.
8) Switch my gym membership from Retro to Planet Fitness.
9) Run my 3rd half marathon on Sunday, June 14th in Philadelphia, PA. This is the same race I ran this past June (my first half). I had the most amazing experience, and am excited to do it again! The half I ran in October left a bad taste in my mouth. I had a great weekend in NH with my best friend, but training during the summer was awful, the race course was extremely challenging, and I walked a lot. I want to redeem myself!
10) Be at my goal weight of 142-145 when I attend my 20th college reunion the weekend of June 19-21.
11) Try new foods and recipes (I HATE to cook, but love my crockpot!)
12) Grocery shop once a week with a plan...foods I need to prepare healthy breakfasts, lunches and dinners for the work week.
13) Prepare 1-2 dishes on the weekends which I can heat up and have for dinner during the week.
14) Limit my eating out to 1x per work week, and on weekends.
15) Continue to attend HSM meetings once a week, HSM maintenance meetings once a month, and weigh in at WW once a month.
16) Drink at least 24 oz of water a day. I know I need to drink much more than this, but since I basically drink none, it's a start.
17) Limit binge eating to no more than 2x a month, with the ultimate goal being to eliminate it completely.
18) Continue the work I began this year, which is helping me to uncover the reasons for my bingeing, and to develop better ways of dealing with unpleasant feelings and emotions.
19) Work on being kinder to myself. Remind myself that I am worthy of respect, attention, love, and effort, both from myself, and from those I allow to be in my life.
I would've liked to end on a #20, but I can't think of anything else. If you think it would help, feel free to leave your goals in the comment section. Have a safe, fun New Year's Eve, and may 2015 bring you everything you wish, and work, for!!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
Goodbye 2014
Today was not the greatest of days. I woke up with a sore throat, so I slept as late as I could before I had to get ready for work. I had hoped to do either a 3 mile walk or kettle bell swings before work, and the other after. I did nothing. I did weigh myself this morning, and was up 4.2 lbs since last Monday. I know that some of it is water weight, plus all the parties and meals out this past week are definitely not normal. However, it was hard to allow myself to skip a workout on a day when the scale was up so much.
I have a very hard time letting myself rest. I am very hard on myself, and expect a lot. Someone suggested I call out sick to work. That's not something I do. I've worked at this practice for 7+ years, and have been out sick once, and that's because I coughed so hard that I thought I'd cracked a rib, and had to go for an X-ray. I don't have the kind of job where someone can pick up the slack, or the work can just wait until the next day. None of the doctors in our practice call out sick. Trying to reschedule a whole day's worth of patients is a nightmare, and you just end up making more work for yourself when they have to be double-booked. It's not worth it.
I also have a hard time letting myself skip exercise because I'm sick. It's a blessing and a curse that, when I get sick, I just get colds...no fever, nothing that requires medicine. My thinking, and that of others I'm sure, is "it's just a cold...suck it up." A cold doesn't warrant a day spent in bed. Even if I were to try that, who would walk and feed the dogs, pick up my medicine, etc? I pull up my big girl panties and carry on. Today, as I was debating a power yoga class tonight, or some kettle bell swings, I kept asking myself, "Are you really sick, or just being lazy?" It took 2 friends telling me to rest, and stop trying to be Super Woman, for me to listen. Even now, I'm sitting here thinking about everything I need to do before work tomorrow...dogs, gym, buy stuff to make for a New Year's Eve party I'm going to (not sure when I'll be making it, but it's been downgraded from something I need to bake to a dessert dip, due simply to a lack of time and energy.)
I'm trying to look at the positives of the past week. I tracked EVERYTHING, and got in exercise every day (other than today.) I was great today, avoiding a table full of Christmas dessert leftovers at work. However, I had pizza for dinner, and am snacking on homemade rugelach that a friend gave me for Christmas. Thank God she only gave me 5...I ate 3, and I don't think that the other 2 are long for this Earth. What's hard is that I realized today that I'm now 3 lbs HEAVIER than I was 5-6 weeks ago, when I printed out the HSM weight tracker, and started trying to lose about 12-14 lbs. That's really discouraging. I feel like I've made some great strides in my behaviors, but I've still managed a net weight gain.
I have very mixed feelings about this year being over. In some ways it was a great year, and in others it totally sucked. Last week I thought I'd be glad to see it go, and now I'm surprised at how mixed my feelings are. Obviously it's ending, whether I want it to or not. I hope that, at this time next year, I will look back at 2014 as a major turning point for me. That the good things that happened will be springboards to even better things. That the bad things that happened will have taught me valuable lessons. That the confidence I've gained will allow me to take major risks next year, and that those risks will pay off. That the hurt I've felt will remind me what I deserve, and what I will not stand for. I hope I continue to ask myself the difficult questions, and come up with answers. I pray for a healthy, happy, exciting, and wonderful 2015. I wish the same for you too.
I have a very hard time letting myself rest. I am very hard on myself, and expect a lot. Someone suggested I call out sick to work. That's not something I do. I've worked at this practice for 7+ years, and have been out sick once, and that's because I coughed so hard that I thought I'd cracked a rib, and had to go for an X-ray. I don't have the kind of job where someone can pick up the slack, or the work can just wait until the next day. None of the doctors in our practice call out sick. Trying to reschedule a whole day's worth of patients is a nightmare, and you just end up making more work for yourself when they have to be double-booked. It's not worth it.
I also have a hard time letting myself skip exercise because I'm sick. It's a blessing and a curse that, when I get sick, I just get colds...no fever, nothing that requires medicine. My thinking, and that of others I'm sure, is "it's just a cold...suck it up." A cold doesn't warrant a day spent in bed. Even if I were to try that, who would walk and feed the dogs, pick up my medicine, etc? I pull up my big girl panties and carry on. Today, as I was debating a power yoga class tonight, or some kettle bell swings, I kept asking myself, "Are you really sick, or just being lazy?" It took 2 friends telling me to rest, and stop trying to be Super Woman, for me to listen. Even now, I'm sitting here thinking about everything I need to do before work tomorrow...dogs, gym, buy stuff to make for a New Year's Eve party I'm going to (not sure when I'll be making it, but it's been downgraded from something I need to bake to a dessert dip, due simply to a lack of time and energy.)
I'm trying to look at the positives of the past week. I tracked EVERYTHING, and got in exercise every day (other than today.) I was great today, avoiding a table full of Christmas dessert leftovers at work. However, I had pizza for dinner, and am snacking on homemade rugelach that a friend gave me for Christmas. Thank God she only gave me 5...I ate 3, and I don't think that the other 2 are long for this Earth. What's hard is that I realized today that I'm now 3 lbs HEAVIER than I was 5-6 weeks ago, when I printed out the HSM weight tracker, and started trying to lose about 12-14 lbs. That's really discouraging. I feel like I've made some great strides in my behaviors, but I've still managed a net weight gain.
I have very mixed feelings about this year being over. In some ways it was a great year, and in others it totally sucked. Last week I thought I'd be glad to see it go, and now I'm surprised at how mixed my feelings are. Obviously it's ending, whether I want it to or not. I hope that, at this time next year, I will look back at 2014 as a major turning point for me. That the good things that happened will be springboards to even better things. That the bad things that happened will have taught me valuable lessons. That the confidence I've gained will allow me to take major risks next year, and that those risks will pay off. That the hurt I've felt will remind me what I deserve, and what I will not stand for. I hope I continue to ask myself the difficult questions, and come up with answers. I pray for a healthy, happy, exciting, and wonderful 2015. I wish the same for you too.
Monday, December 22, 2014
High boundaries, Low expectations, Open heart
I had a major shift in the way I view my weight-loss journey this week. Funny how after 5 years of maintenance, I still consider it a "weight-loss journey." I guess it's because weight is such a fluid thing. It would be great if once you got to your goal weight, it just stuck...kind of like your height. But it doesn't. It's also a journey, because what worked a year ago might not work now. You are your own science experiment. You read things, you hear things, you see things, and you try them out to see if they work.
About a month ago I started listening to the Half Size Me podcasts (free on iTunes, HIGHLY recommended!) In that short time, I have listened to 143 1-hour episodes, and am almost caught up...episode 150 was released today. At first I saw them as inspirational stories of people who had lost, in most cases, much more weight than I had. However, the more I listened, the more I learned, and the more I started shifting my thinking, and my behaviors. The biggest thing I got from HSM is the knowledge that I am a binge eater, and that I don't want to be. It's not something I'd ever given too much thought. I just thought that I liked to eat, so I did...a lot. I figured it wasn't a problem, since I'd lost my weight, and kept it off for the most part. What I've realized is that my reasons for bingeing go much deeper than a simple love of food. I am at a point in my life where I want to cut the cord. I want to deal with the issues, rather than feed them. It's a pretty powerful realization to have at 41 years old, but it's also extremely liberating. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I can choose to no longer be a slave to food, and that is the choice I have made.
I lost 2.1 lbs this week, and I have to say that it was the easiest weight I've lost in a long time. What I mean by that is that I didn't worry or obsess, I ate pizza, cookies, frozen yogurt and a bagel. When I weighed myself this morning, I couldn't remember how much I'd weighed last Monday, so I didn't know what my results were until I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal (MFP). I knew it had been a good week though, and that's what really mattered. The HSM podcasts have changed my thinking tremendously. I realize that the scale is, in many ways, a useless tool for measuring success. My clothes fit better, my exercise routine is going well, I'm tracking religiously, and most days I eat at a calorie deficit. Those are the things that matter, and the weight loss will follow. If it doesn't, it's because I'm gaining muscle, and that's great too!
I had a few NSV's (non-scale victories) this week: I fit into a pair of pants that Toni had given to me in October when she cleaned out her closet. They were tight then, but really nice, so I took them. On Saturday I was able to wear them to work! On Friday night I delayed a major binge by walking Marty, having pizza for dinner (which I tracked), and listening to podcasts. I did eat baking chips when I woke up after falling asleep on the couch, but I tracked them. I realized that when I fall asleep on the couch, I often wake up looking for something sweet. Sure enough, the next night the same thing happened. This time, the left over baking chips were in the garbage, and I had some diet coke instead. Score! Saturday was a very stressful day from beginning to end. When I got home from work, I did some kettle bell swings, which really improved my mood, had a dinner that made me happy and full, talked to a friend on the phone, and relaxed. No binge!!
Yesterday I went to Walmart and bought myself a 30 lb kettle bell. The 15 lb one I bought a few weeks ago is now too light for 2-hand swings. It's hard to spend money on myself at this time of year, but I'm getting stronger, and I need to reward myself for that, and keep challenging myself. I have to say that switching over from WW points plus to calorie counting on MFP has been incredible for me! Tracking is no longer a chore, the app works much better than etools (including the scanner...SO MUCH BETTER), and I love having a break down of nutrition. I never realized how little protein I was eating, and getting in more has been a major focus. I also like knowing if I've gone over with sodium or sugar...it's taken the focus away from just how much I'm eating, and put it more on what I'm eating. I actually changed my goal from losing 1 lb a week to 0.5 lbs a week. I was having a hard time hitting a 500 calorie per day deficit, and didn't like constantly seeing that I was over my goal for the day. There is really no hurry, and I know I'm burning calories that aren't noted when I use my kettle bell. Now my goal is a 250 calorie a day deficit, which is much easier, and I don't constantly feel like I'm "failing".
The thing I'm trying to work on that is not food-related is to keep my boundaries high, and my expectations low. I need to learn to say no to people, even if it's simply because I don't WANT to do what they are asking, not necessarily because I CAN'T. I need to treat people the way I feel I should treat them, but not expect that they will necessarily treat me with as much kindness and consideration. If they don't, I can either continue the relationship, or not. What I can't allow myself to do is to continue the relationship, but feel resentment towards them for not treating me the way I want to be treated. When I say that I need to keep my boundaries high, I don't mean put up walls to keep people out. I mean that I need to prioritize my time, my needs, and my life. If I give of myself too freely, then others will expect that I will always be available. That is not their fault, it is mine. I read a quote that sums up perfectly what I'm working on these days: "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect." The best way to demand respect from others is to show respect for myself. That's a major goal of mine for 2015.
About a month ago I started listening to the Half Size Me podcasts (free on iTunes, HIGHLY recommended!) In that short time, I have listened to 143 1-hour episodes, and am almost caught up...episode 150 was released today. At first I saw them as inspirational stories of people who had lost, in most cases, much more weight than I had. However, the more I listened, the more I learned, and the more I started shifting my thinking, and my behaviors. The biggest thing I got from HSM is the knowledge that I am a binge eater, and that I don't want to be. It's not something I'd ever given too much thought. I just thought that I liked to eat, so I did...a lot. I figured it wasn't a problem, since I'd lost my weight, and kept it off for the most part. What I've realized is that my reasons for bingeing go much deeper than a simple love of food. I am at a point in my life where I want to cut the cord. I want to deal with the issues, rather than feed them. It's a pretty powerful realization to have at 41 years old, but it's also extremely liberating. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I can choose to no longer be a slave to food, and that is the choice I have made.
I lost 2.1 lbs this week, and I have to say that it was the easiest weight I've lost in a long time. What I mean by that is that I didn't worry or obsess, I ate pizza, cookies, frozen yogurt and a bagel. When I weighed myself this morning, I couldn't remember how much I'd weighed last Monday, so I didn't know what my results were until I entered my weight into My Fitness Pal (MFP). I knew it had been a good week though, and that's what really mattered. The HSM podcasts have changed my thinking tremendously. I realize that the scale is, in many ways, a useless tool for measuring success. My clothes fit better, my exercise routine is going well, I'm tracking religiously, and most days I eat at a calorie deficit. Those are the things that matter, and the weight loss will follow. If it doesn't, it's because I'm gaining muscle, and that's great too!
I had a few NSV's (non-scale victories) this week: I fit into a pair of pants that Toni had given to me in October when she cleaned out her closet. They were tight then, but really nice, so I took them. On Saturday I was able to wear them to work! On Friday night I delayed a major binge by walking Marty, having pizza for dinner (which I tracked), and listening to podcasts. I did eat baking chips when I woke up after falling asleep on the couch, but I tracked them. I realized that when I fall asleep on the couch, I often wake up looking for something sweet. Sure enough, the next night the same thing happened. This time, the left over baking chips were in the garbage, and I had some diet coke instead. Score! Saturday was a very stressful day from beginning to end. When I got home from work, I did some kettle bell swings, which really improved my mood, had a dinner that made me happy and full, talked to a friend on the phone, and relaxed. No binge!!
Yesterday I went to Walmart and bought myself a 30 lb kettle bell. The 15 lb one I bought a few weeks ago is now too light for 2-hand swings. It's hard to spend money on myself at this time of year, but I'm getting stronger, and I need to reward myself for that, and keep challenging myself. I have to say that switching over from WW points plus to calorie counting on MFP has been incredible for me! Tracking is no longer a chore, the app works much better than etools (including the scanner...SO MUCH BETTER), and I love having a break down of nutrition. I never realized how little protein I was eating, and getting in more has been a major focus. I also like knowing if I've gone over with sodium or sugar...it's taken the focus away from just how much I'm eating, and put it more on what I'm eating. I actually changed my goal from losing 1 lb a week to 0.5 lbs a week. I was having a hard time hitting a 500 calorie per day deficit, and didn't like constantly seeing that I was over my goal for the day. There is really no hurry, and I know I'm burning calories that aren't noted when I use my kettle bell. Now my goal is a 250 calorie a day deficit, which is much easier, and I don't constantly feel like I'm "failing".
The thing I'm trying to work on that is not food-related is to keep my boundaries high, and my expectations low. I need to learn to say no to people, even if it's simply because I don't WANT to do what they are asking, not necessarily because I CAN'T. I need to treat people the way I feel I should treat them, but not expect that they will necessarily treat me with as much kindness and consideration. If they don't, I can either continue the relationship, or not. What I can't allow myself to do is to continue the relationship, but feel resentment towards them for not treating me the way I want to be treated. When I say that I need to keep my boundaries high, I don't mean put up walls to keep people out. I mean that I need to prioritize my time, my needs, and my life. If I give of myself too freely, then others will expect that I will always be available. That is not their fault, it is mine. I read a quote that sums up perfectly what I'm working on these days: "A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect." The best way to demand respect from others is to show respect for myself. That's a major goal of mine for 2015.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Whatever Opens Us
"Whatever opens us is never as important as what opens."
I had a few non-scale victories (NSV) this week. I'm trying to focus more on those than on the number on the scale. That being said, I was down 2.1 lbs this week. However, that was probably more due to the fact that I had eaten a ton the night before I weighed myself last week, than that I had a great week this week. I had some great days, and some terrible days, and a few in between. I consider last week a good week more because of the NSVs than because of that 2.1 lb "loss".
I got my Fitbit One last Thursday, and set it up right away. The next day I started tracking calories on My Fitness Pal rather than points on WW etools. My Fitbit and MFP sync with each other, and the Fitbit links via Bluetooth to my phone. I love not having to plug it in to my computer (which is so slow that I rarely use it.) To lose a pound a week, I'd need to have a calorie deficit of 3500 calories, or 500 per day. That rarely happens, but I aim for SOME type of deficit most days.
I had a strange NSV yesterday...I allowed myself to buy cans of Diet Coke to have in the house. A year or 2 ago, I gave it up for Lent, and then just decided to not buy it anymore. I would have it at restaurants or other people's houses, but drank seltzer at home. Sunday, I had lunch out and had a diet coke, and bought another bottle to bring home. That night I remembered that I had it when I was at the point in the night where I start looking for "something", and I was so excited! Yesterday morning I decided that, while I'm really trying to get my binge eating under control, there is no reason to deny myself something that I enjoy, which has zero calories! I hope to move more towards clean eating, and at some point Diet Coke may have to leave my life again. For now though, I have to prioritize, and if Diet Coke takes the edge off and prevents a binge or two, it's a compromise I'm happy to make!
I was off yesterday, and did a lot of prepping. Not only did I bake 3 batches of cookies to freeze for Christmas, but I made crockpot oatmeal and crockpot rice and beans for the week. They are both recipes I made about 2 weeks ago, but I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, as long as I don't have to cook! I'm also working on being more flexible with my workout schedule. I tend to feel guilty if I don't do what my schedule says, which is pretty dumb, since I wrote it! Saturday I was supposed to go to yoga, but went for a 3+ mile walk with Marty instead. Same for Sunday. Yesterday I was supposed to do 20 min on my bike, 20 min of kettle bells, and yoga. I did a 3+ mile walk with Marty and k bells. I'm definitely not slacking, just doing what I want to do, rather than what is written down on a piece of paper. I'm taking advantage of the mild December weather to get out and walk, and tiring out a rambunctious beagle in the process...win-win!!
The big thing I'm working on mentally is staying more even and centered, and not letting things get me too high or low. You can do all this work, and THINK you've made progress, but until you are faced with a situation, you're never really sure how your intentions will translate into reality. This morning I was tired, and I'm fighting a cold. I planned on making some gluten-free cookies for my Mom for Christmas, and was supposed to do a 3 mile run. I thought that maybe I'd stay home and do the bike instead, but I know how good I feel after I run, and had to get some things at the store anyway, so I went to the gym. Shortly after my run, annoyances crept into my day, and I was thankful that I was still on my adrenaline high. While I wasn't able to let things completely go, I allowed myself to feel upset, but continue on with my day as I had planned it. It's what I'd been hoping I'd be able to do if confronted with things that upset me, and I did. That's a huge step in the right direction!
Finally, I got such a nice compliment at work today. A mom brought her son in, and on the schedule it said that she was an internist, and initially only wanted to see one of the ophthalmologists. Then she called back and asked to see me. When I went in the room, she said that I had examined her receptionist's 2 daughters, and that the woman couldn't say enough good things about me. You have no idea how much that means! Usually all we hear about are the ones who are not happy, so to get compliments, especially from an MD, is such a great feeling!
Anyway, today is a good day. What I'm learning is that I cannot control every situation in my life, but I absolutely can control how I respond. That's a pretty powerful realization.
I had a few non-scale victories (NSV) this week. I'm trying to focus more on those than on the number on the scale. That being said, I was down 2.1 lbs this week. However, that was probably more due to the fact that I had eaten a ton the night before I weighed myself last week, than that I had a great week this week. I had some great days, and some terrible days, and a few in between. I consider last week a good week more because of the NSVs than because of that 2.1 lb "loss".
I got my Fitbit One last Thursday, and set it up right away. The next day I started tracking calories on My Fitness Pal rather than points on WW etools. My Fitbit and MFP sync with each other, and the Fitbit links via Bluetooth to my phone. I love not having to plug it in to my computer (which is so slow that I rarely use it.) To lose a pound a week, I'd need to have a calorie deficit of 3500 calories, or 500 per day. That rarely happens, but I aim for SOME type of deficit most days.
I had a strange NSV yesterday...I allowed myself to buy cans of Diet Coke to have in the house. A year or 2 ago, I gave it up for Lent, and then just decided to not buy it anymore. I would have it at restaurants or other people's houses, but drank seltzer at home. Sunday, I had lunch out and had a diet coke, and bought another bottle to bring home. That night I remembered that I had it when I was at the point in the night where I start looking for "something", and I was so excited! Yesterday morning I decided that, while I'm really trying to get my binge eating under control, there is no reason to deny myself something that I enjoy, which has zero calories! I hope to move more towards clean eating, and at some point Diet Coke may have to leave my life again. For now though, I have to prioritize, and if Diet Coke takes the edge off and prevents a binge or two, it's a compromise I'm happy to make!
I was off yesterday, and did a lot of prepping. Not only did I bake 3 batches of cookies to freeze for Christmas, but I made crockpot oatmeal and crockpot rice and beans for the week. They are both recipes I made about 2 weeks ago, but I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, as long as I don't have to cook! I'm also working on being more flexible with my workout schedule. I tend to feel guilty if I don't do what my schedule says, which is pretty dumb, since I wrote it! Saturday I was supposed to go to yoga, but went for a 3+ mile walk with Marty instead. Same for Sunday. Yesterday I was supposed to do 20 min on my bike, 20 min of kettle bells, and yoga. I did a 3+ mile walk with Marty and k bells. I'm definitely not slacking, just doing what I want to do, rather than what is written down on a piece of paper. I'm taking advantage of the mild December weather to get out and walk, and tiring out a rambunctious beagle in the process...win-win!!
The big thing I'm working on mentally is staying more even and centered, and not letting things get me too high or low. You can do all this work, and THINK you've made progress, but until you are faced with a situation, you're never really sure how your intentions will translate into reality. This morning I was tired, and I'm fighting a cold. I planned on making some gluten-free cookies for my Mom for Christmas, and was supposed to do a 3 mile run. I thought that maybe I'd stay home and do the bike instead, but I know how good I feel after I run, and had to get some things at the store anyway, so I went to the gym. Shortly after my run, annoyances crept into my day, and I was thankful that I was still on my adrenaline high. While I wasn't able to let things completely go, I allowed myself to feel upset, but continue on with my day as I had planned it. It's what I'd been hoping I'd be able to do if confronted with things that upset me, and I did. That's a huge step in the right direction!
Finally, I got such a nice compliment at work today. A mom brought her son in, and on the schedule it said that she was an internist, and initially only wanted to see one of the ophthalmologists. Then she called back and asked to see me. When I went in the room, she said that I had examined her receptionist's 2 daughters, and that the woman couldn't say enough good things about me. You have no idea how much that means! Usually all we hear about are the ones who are not happy, so to get compliments, especially from an MD, is such a great feeling!
Anyway, today is a good day. What I'm learning is that I cannot control every situation in my life, but I absolutely can control how I respond. That's a pretty powerful realization.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Comfort Zone? Bah Humbug!
Last night I attended the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Holiday Party. I have wanted to get involved in the alumni group since I moved here almost 8 years ago, but never had the guts to show up at anything, because I didn't know anyone. Last week, on a whim, I decided to RSVP for the party. I walked in last night, and there were little groups of people standing around talking. I hovered for about 10 min, thinking that THIS was the reason I never came to these things. Finally, I walked over to a group of 3 people who were a few grades below me, said hi, introduced myself, and said it was my first event. From that point on I had a great time, and plan on getting more involved.
If you looked at me last Christmas and again today, and asked me to give you a basic rundown of my life, it might seem to you that nothing has changed. Because not much has changed on the outside, I have allowed myself to believe that, indeed, nothing has changed. However, I know that that could not be further from the truth. I lived this past year mainly at the very edge of, or totally outside, my comfort zone. I started running, and then announced that I would run a half marathon. I did! Twice! I went hiking and to lunch with a group of strangers from my yoga studio, and had a great time. I took down walls that I had put up so long ago they seemed to be permanent structures. In doing so, I opened myself up to major rejection. When I wasn't rejected, I had fun like I have never had fun before, and saw my confidence skyrocket. When I was rejected, I had to deal with emotions from which I'd protected myself for years. But you know what? I survived, and learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. Last night I went to a party where I knew no one, and had an amazing time!
In spite of all the risks I've taken in the past year, I have still held on to one major security blanket...my binge eating. It's even outside my comfort zone to acknowledge this problem to myself, let alone to anyone else. I have kept my weight off these past 5 years by knowing how to play the game, rather than by changing the rules. When you take risks, you open yourself up to feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, rejection, etc. These feelings are not fun to have, and the way I've always dealt with them is to smother them with food. It was easier for me to feel guilty about overeating, or to feel physically sick, than to feel any of those other things, and confront the reasons why I was feeling them.
This past year I've had some very high highs, and some very low lows. I'm hoping that in 2015 I will continue to push the boundaries of what I'm used to, and comfortable with, but without the roller coaster of emotions...it's exhausting! I'm also determined to learn how to feel emotions, no matter how unpleasant, rather than trying to make them go away by washing them down with pizza and ice cream. I'm determined, and if there's one thing I've confirmed for myself this year, it's that, when I put my mind to something, I will make it happen.
If you looked at me last Christmas and again today, and asked me to give you a basic rundown of my life, it might seem to you that nothing has changed. Because not much has changed on the outside, I have allowed myself to believe that, indeed, nothing has changed. However, I know that that could not be further from the truth. I lived this past year mainly at the very edge of, or totally outside, my comfort zone. I started running, and then announced that I would run a half marathon. I did! Twice! I went hiking and to lunch with a group of strangers from my yoga studio, and had a great time. I took down walls that I had put up so long ago they seemed to be permanent structures. In doing so, I opened myself up to major rejection. When I wasn't rejected, I had fun like I have never had fun before, and saw my confidence skyrocket. When I was rejected, I had to deal with emotions from which I'd protected myself for years. But you know what? I survived, and learned that I'm a lot stronger than I thought. Last night I went to a party where I knew no one, and had an amazing time!
In spite of all the risks I've taken in the past year, I have still held on to one major security blanket...my binge eating. It's even outside my comfort zone to acknowledge this problem to myself, let alone to anyone else. I have kept my weight off these past 5 years by knowing how to play the game, rather than by changing the rules. When you take risks, you open yourself up to feelings of hurt, anger, sadness, rejection, etc. These feelings are not fun to have, and the way I've always dealt with them is to smother them with food. It was easier for me to feel guilty about overeating, or to feel physically sick, than to feel any of those other things, and confront the reasons why I was feeling them.
This past year I've had some very high highs, and some very low lows. I'm hoping that in 2015 I will continue to push the boundaries of what I'm used to, and comfortable with, but without the roller coaster of emotions...it's exhausting! I'm also determined to learn how to feel emotions, no matter how unpleasant, rather than trying to make them go away by washing them down with pizza and ice cream. I'm determined, and if there's one thing I've confirmed for myself this year, it's that, when I put my mind to something, I will make it happen.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
If You Do What You've Always Done...
You'll get what you've always gotten. I know that, and it's why I'm feeling like I need to change the way I've been thinking, and what I've been doing. I had a terrible week last week. Nothing particularly bad happened, although I had some interactions with people in my life that were not great. More I was just dealing with feelings that I've been working through for awhile, but I just got into a bad mood early in the week, and couldn't get out. Anything that happened that bothered me, then REALLY bothered me. As usual, I found comfort in food. Problem is that I am now so aware of how I use food, that's it's hard to just take comfort from it, because at the same time I'm psycho-analyzing why I'm eating it! At one point I was actually listening to something about binge eating, while sitting on the couch eating a big bag of M&M's!
By Sunday night I was done, and decided that it was time to end my pity party. My WW week usually starts fresh on Wednesday, but I needed the week to be over NOW. I knew that I was already way into the negative with my points (and that was not even counting all the stuff I'd eaten and not tracked). If I had to wait until Wednesday to wipe the slate clean, I probably would've said screw it, and continued my free for all on Monday and Tuesday. Since I only plan on weighing in once a month now, it doesn't really matter what day I choose to start my week, so I went in and changed it to Monday. I woke up yesterday morning to a fresh start.
On Friday I bought a 15 lb kettlebell, and started doing Tracy Reifkind's free YouTube workouts. She does just the swing, and I love it! I've done a 30 and a 20 min workout so far. I don't feel it while I'm doing it, but the next day I feel it in my arms, abs, butt and hamstrings. I love that it's something I can do at home, and that it's small! When I got to work yesterday, I wrote out my weekly exercise plan. It was stressing me out trying to work in yoga, running, kettlebell, and my new exercise bike. Once I got it on paper, it all fit!
Mon: (if I'm off) 20 min bike, 10-20 min k bells, yoga at night. If I'm working, no yoga.
Tues: Run 3 miles
Wed: 30 min k bells, deep stretch yoga
Thurs: Run 3 miles
Fri: 30 min k bells
Sat: (if I'm off) yoga. If I'm working, rest.
Sun: yoga
I was looking for a new activity monitor to replace my broken WW activelink. For a number of reasons, I chose the Fitbit One, and it will arrive tomorrow. I can still sync it to my WW etools, and track everything in points. However, I am considering switching over to counting calories. My brain thinks in terms of points, but I've gotten very interested in the biology of fat loss (I guess I am a science geek at heart!) Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE), calorie cuts, refeeds, etc., are all talked about in terms of calories eaten vs. calories burned. I think it would be easier for me to experiment with these things if I could start thinking in terms of calories rather than points. The thing that makes this all the most interesting to me is the idea that, often when we are trying to lose weight, we are eating too LITTLE. I'm pretty sure my mind can be trained to think differently if it will allow my body to have more food!
Right now I'm just listening to different podcasts on the topic, and plan to start reading about it a little more. I am so used to doing things the same way, that part of me wonders why bother changing it up. The answer is that, while what I've been doing has been fine, what if there is something better out there? If I just stay with what's comfortable, I'll never know what I might be missing. This applies to my life in a number of ways, and I think that 2015 will be the year that I shake things up!
By Sunday night I was done, and decided that it was time to end my pity party. My WW week usually starts fresh on Wednesday, but I needed the week to be over NOW. I knew that I was already way into the negative with my points (and that was not even counting all the stuff I'd eaten and not tracked). If I had to wait until Wednesday to wipe the slate clean, I probably would've said screw it, and continued my free for all on Monday and Tuesday. Since I only plan on weighing in once a month now, it doesn't really matter what day I choose to start my week, so I went in and changed it to Monday. I woke up yesterday morning to a fresh start.
On Friday I bought a 15 lb kettlebell, and started doing Tracy Reifkind's free YouTube workouts. She does just the swing, and I love it! I've done a 30 and a 20 min workout so far. I don't feel it while I'm doing it, but the next day I feel it in my arms, abs, butt and hamstrings. I love that it's something I can do at home, and that it's small! When I got to work yesterday, I wrote out my weekly exercise plan. It was stressing me out trying to work in yoga, running, kettlebell, and my new exercise bike. Once I got it on paper, it all fit!
Mon: (if I'm off) 20 min bike, 10-20 min k bells, yoga at night. If I'm working, no yoga.
Tues: Run 3 miles
Wed: 30 min k bells, deep stretch yoga
Thurs: Run 3 miles
Fri: 30 min k bells
Sat: (if I'm off) yoga. If I'm working, rest.
Sun: yoga
I was looking for a new activity monitor to replace my broken WW activelink. For a number of reasons, I chose the Fitbit One, and it will arrive tomorrow. I can still sync it to my WW etools, and track everything in points. However, I am considering switching over to counting calories. My brain thinks in terms of points, but I've gotten very interested in the biology of fat loss (I guess I am a science geek at heart!) Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR), Total Daily Energy Expenditure (TDEE), calorie cuts, refeeds, etc., are all talked about in terms of calories eaten vs. calories burned. I think it would be easier for me to experiment with these things if I could start thinking in terms of calories rather than points. The thing that makes this all the most interesting to me is the idea that, often when we are trying to lose weight, we are eating too LITTLE. I'm pretty sure my mind can be trained to think differently if it will allow my body to have more food!
Right now I'm just listening to different podcasts on the topic, and plan to start reading about it a little more. I am so used to doing things the same way, that part of me wonders why bother changing it up. The answer is that, while what I've been doing has been fine, what if there is something better out there? If I just stay with what's comfortable, I'll never know what I might be missing. This applies to my life in a number of ways, and I think that 2015 will be the year that I shake things up!
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Scared of Running?
That's how I felt this morning...I was scared to run. My attempt at a 3 mile run on Tuesday didn't go well at all. I couldn't breathe, had to keep stopping to catch my breath, and ended up walking part of it. How can I go from runnig an entire half marathon in June, to not being able to run 3 miles in December? My plan this morning was to do 3 miles on the treadmill, so that I could eliminate all the variables that running outside brings (hills, wind, etc). I woke up this morning in a funk, and did not want to get out of bed. The thought of running made me so nervous...what if I couldn't do it? Maybe I should just stop running? What was wrong with me? I kept pushing my alarm setting to later and later. Finally, I texted my friend Gail and said that I didn't feel like leaving the house to go use the treadmill at the gym, and I was just going to use my exercise bike, and try running again next week. She said that that was a good plan, UNLESS I would feel guilty for not running (my friends know me so well)! She said another option would be to just run for 15 minutes. I got up and got ready to go to the gym, with the idea that I'd do what I could. Before I left, I took the dogs out, and it was gorgeous...sunshine, and not too cold. I knew that my bad mood could benefit from some sun and fresh air, so I put on my headphones, turned on a Half Size Me podcast, and started to run...slowly. As soon as I started, I knew I'd be fine. There was some wind, but not too much, and my pace was perfect, so my breathing was fine. Once I got up the first hill, and didn't feel the need to stop, I knew I was good, and I had a great run, which I really enjoyed! I remembered why I run...it's not to go fast, or to go far, or to win any races. It's to clear my head, spend some time outside, and do something good for my body. I'm still not in the absolute best mood, but at least I am not worried about not being able to run, or feeling guilty because I slept away the whole morning.
I also decided on a whim to attend the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Christmas party next Saturday. I've wanted to get involved for quite some time, but attending events alone, and knowing no one, is WAY outside my comfort zone. But I'll never get to know the members by staying home, so I'm going to take a chance, and maybe have a great time!
I also decided on a whim to attend the Dartmouth Club of Princeton's Christmas party next Saturday. I've wanted to get involved for quite some time, but attending events alone, and knowing no one, is WAY outside my comfort zone. But I'll never get to know the members by staying home, so I'm going to take a chance, and maybe have a great time!
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Ms. Fix-It
Yesterday started out crappy. I went out for a 3 mile run, but had to keep stopping to catch my breath. How had I run a half-marathon just 6 weeks ago? 3 mile runs used to be my "easy" runs. The Turkey Trot I did on Thanksgiving was the same one I did last year. Last year I ran the whole thing. This year I couldn't. I was talking to my best friend yesterday morning, and said that I felt like all the progress I'd made in the past year was gone...I'd gained weight again over the summer, just like I did last year. I could no longer run 3 miles without stopping, and some relationships that I'd worked very hard on were nowhere near where I'd hoped they'd be at this point. As a matter of fact, some were non-existent...just like last year. I had never really put all that together and thought about it, but when it came out of my mouth, I realized that that's how I felt, and it was not a good feeling at all. All the hard work I'd put into so many areas of my life seemed to have been for naught. After I hung up with Toni, I took a step to symbolically distance myself from someone in my personal life. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but I am at the point where I'm realizing that I can't hang onto something that doesn't exist. Anyway, I drove to work, and was in a really bad mood. Someone had brought in Christmas cookies, and I raided the box. After I had eaten about 10, I felt less anxious, but then I was pissed. It wasn't a coincidence that my first real binge in over 2 weeks came shortly after I hit delete. Once again I used food to make myself feel better. It worked temporarily, but not for very long.
Today was the day that I had committed to going to WW and weighing in, no matter what. Before my cookie binge, I was pretty sure that I would be within 2 lbs of my goal weight, and would not have to pay. After eating all those cookies, I got really frustrated at the thought that I'd have to pay $15. I got even more annoyed when I realized that I might have to pay anyway, since I'd missed the entire month of November. After not missing an entire month in over 5 years, were they really going to charge me for missing a month? I contemplated not going, or going and walking out if anyone told me I owed money. Then I realized that I'd brought it on myself...I chose not to go to a meeting for 6 weeks. I chose to eat too much and gain weight. $15 would not break the bank, and it would be a deterrent next time I thought about making less than stellar choices.
As I was sitting at work feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from someone who had read my blog and is interested in interviewing me in February about my weight loss journey. This is someone I follow, and who I have great respect for. To say that I was excited was an understatement, and I smiled for the rest of the night. I think having this interview on the horizon will be just the thing I need to keep me motivated and excited about the future. I went to WW this morning and was only 0.6 lbs over my goal. I've actually been weighing myself at home for the past 4 weeks, and in that time I've lost 5.6 lbs. I guess they didn't realize that I had missed all of November, or that's not a rule they enforce, because I did not have to pay anything! I sat through the meeting, bored out of my mind. Since finding the Half Size Me podcasts and community, I find I get very little from WW, other than a way to track my food that works for me. I will go once a month to weigh in and keep my lifetime status, but will no longer stay for meetings.
One thing I've been thinking a lot about for the past few days is the idea of being "enough." Not even good enough, just enough. I was talking to a friend recently about a relationship that wasn't going the way I wanted it to. After listening to my ideas as to why that was, and how I felt about it, she said, "So you're back to thinking that it's because there is something wrong with you. Why can't it be that there's something wrong with the other person?" The answer was very clear to me. If there's something wrong with ME, then there's the possibility that I can fix it. I know I can't fix someone else, so if the problem is with the other person, then I am helpless to do anything, and need to walk away. It is not like me to give up on something I want, so I continue to look for what I'm doing wrong, or some inherent flaw in my character that I can change or fix. The problem there is that, when there is nothing I can do or change, I feel like a failure.
One thing that has been very difficult since losing weight, is that I no longer have the weight to blame. Before, if someone didn't like me, or if my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat. Now that I no longer am, if someone doesn't like me, or my life isn't the way I want it to be, it must mean that there's some hidden reason, something about me that is undesirable, or not good enough, and I don't even know what it is. If I don't know what it is, how do I fix it?? I'm starting to wonder if that's why I keep letting my weight creep back up. As long as I have 10 lbs to lose, there is something about myself left to improve. As long as I'm working on myself, there's still the hope that down the road, I will have...fill in the blank.
What I'm trying to work on now is remembering that I am enough. Every relationship involves 2 people, and I can only control my actions. If the other person is not willing to do 50% of the work, then I need to move on, rather than hang around trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The answer is that there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe someday I'll believe it.
Today was the day that I had committed to going to WW and weighing in, no matter what. Before my cookie binge, I was pretty sure that I would be within 2 lbs of my goal weight, and would not have to pay. After eating all those cookies, I got really frustrated at the thought that I'd have to pay $15. I got even more annoyed when I realized that I might have to pay anyway, since I'd missed the entire month of November. After not missing an entire month in over 5 years, were they really going to charge me for missing a month? I contemplated not going, or going and walking out if anyone told me I owed money. Then I realized that I'd brought it on myself...I chose not to go to a meeting for 6 weeks. I chose to eat too much and gain weight. $15 would not break the bank, and it would be a deterrent next time I thought about making less than stellar choices.
As I was sitting at work feeling sorry for myself, I got an email from someone who had read my blog and is interested in interviewing me in February about my weight loss journey. This is someone I follow, and who I have great respect for. To say that I was excited was an understatement, and I smiled for the rest of the night. I think having this interview on the horizon will be just the thing I need to keep me motivated and excited about the future. I went to WW this morning and was only 0.6 lbs over my goal. I've actually been weighing myself at home for the past 4 weeks, and in that time I've lost 5.6 lbs. I guess they didn't realize that I had missed all of November, or that's not a rule they enforce, because I did not have to pay anything! I sat through the meeting, bored out of my mind. Since finding the Half Size Me podcasts and community, I find I get very little from WW, other than a way to track my food that works for me. I will go once a month to weigh in and keep my lifetime status, but will no longer stay for meetings.
One thing I've been thinking a lot about for the past few days is the idea of being "enough." Not even good enough, just enough. I was talking to a friend recently about a relationship that wasn't going the way I wanted it to. After listening to my ideas as to why that was, and how I felt about it, she said, "So you're back to thinking that it's because there is something wrong with you. Why can't it be that there's something wrong with the other person?" The answer was very clear to me. If there's something wrong with ME, then there's the possibility that I can fix it. I know I can't fix someone else, so if the problem is with the other person, then I am helpless to do anything, and need to walk away. It is not like me to give up on something I want, so I continue to look for what I'm doing wrong, or some inherent flaw in my character that I can change or fix. The problem there is that, when there is nothing I can do or change, I feel like a failure.
One thing that has been very difficult since losing weight, is that I no longer have the weight to blame. Before, if someone didn't like me, or if my life wasn't the way I wanted it to be, I could blame it on the fact that I was fat. Now that I no longer am, if someone doesn't like me, or my life isn't the way I want it to be, it must mean that there's some hidden reason, something about me that is undesirable, or not good enough, and I don't even know what it is. If I don't know what it is, how do I fix it?? I'm starting to wonder if that's why I keep letting my weight creep back up. As long as I have 10 lbs to lose, there is something about myself left to improve. As long as I'm working on myself, there's still the hope that down the road, I will have...fill in the blank.
What I'm trying to work on now is remembering that I am enough. Every relationship involves 2 people, and I can only control my actions. If the other person is not willing to do 50% of the work, then I need to move on, rather than hang around trying to figure out what's wrong with me. The answer is that there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe someday I'll believe it.
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