The past year has been one of huge changes for me: in how I live, how I think, and how I feel. It's not all stuff that I will share on a public blog, but I feel like I will look back on this year as one of the most important in my life. I mentioned in my last post the idea of living authentically. I feel like years of doubt and fear and questioning my own ability to make decisions that are right for me are finally falling away. I got to goal 5 years ago this month, but it's just now that I'm starting to feel like the emotional weight is being lifted. I will tell you that this journey has been so much harder than the physical transformation and, unlike hitting a goal weight, there is no end. When you lose weight, you often expect that your life will be so different, and in many ways it is. But when you've spent the first 36 years of your life overweight, it takes much more than a 40 lb weight loss in 8 months to figure out and deal with all the reasons you became overweight as a child, and even more so, the complicated reasons you stayed that way as an adult. I've made progress, because I'm finally in a place where I can look at myself and admit my weaknesses, admit my desires and my needs, and say what I want. Going out and living that is a much more difficult task, but it's incredibly rewarding work.
But this is a weight-loss/maintenance blog, so that is what I will talk about now. I just cannot separate eating and emotions, because for me they go hand in hand. I'm working on that, but food has always given me more comfort than anything else in my life. That's why working on myself internally is so important if I want to continue to look and feel good physically. So I mentioned that I had gained 10-15 lbs over the summer. Last week I started really trying to get that weight off, although I had some terrible days, and have only been tracking for the past 2. Regardless, I've lost 2.8 lbs in the past 2 weeks! My goal is to be down another 10-12 in the next 10-12 weeks...very doable, despite the holidays. I started listening to a podcast called Half Size Me. The app is available in the App Store and on iTunes for $1.99, and I highly recommend it. The woman Heather lost 170 lbs on WW. You can also find Half Size Me on FB. I really like listening in the car on my way home from work. Nights are my binge eating times, and listening to all of the success stories of people she interviews gets me in a good frame of mine for the night ahead. I always kind of knew that I was a binge eater, but now that I've listened to her outline the criteria, I KNOW that I suffer from a binge eating disorder. It started as a kid, sneaking and hiding food. I don't have to sneak or hide anymore, but bingeing is something I still struggle with often. I love having something to listen to right before a tough time of the day, or maybe right before a binge is going to happen...haven't tried that yet, but I hope I will!
I have not gone to WW in about a month. I am more than 2 lbs over my goal, and would have to pay $15. I just paid off a bunch of credit cards, and am on a very tight budget. I'm determined to get myself financially healthy in 2015! I have found that I don't miss the meetings. My leader Bev, whom I adore, used to stray off topic, and we'd discuss the emotions and psychology of being overweight. Since she left, the meetings are mainly about how to lose weight. I've been doing this for 25 years...I know I need to track my food, drink water and exercise! If I have to sit through one more meeting before Thanksgiving where the leader tells us to guess how many points are in a cup of stuffing, I'll scream! At first I needed the support of WW. Now, I've built my own support system outside of the meetings. I decided yesterday that weekly meetings no longer fit what I need anymore. I'd rather spend my Wednesday mornings at yoga. I will go once a month to weigh in and stay for a meeting, but that's it. I will continue to follow the plan, track, and weigh myself weekly, but it's time to move on.
One of the things that the podcasts have me interested in is clean eating...more whole foods, fewer processed and packaged foods. For someone who hates to cook, this will be a challenge, but it's something I want to research and move towards with baby steps. I've finished with my year of personal training and quit the gym. My new recumbent bike arrives today, an early Christmas gift from Santa, and I'm so excited to finally have a piece of exercise equipment in the house...I don't even own hand weights! I'm trying to mix up my activity more...some walking, some running, some bike, yoga, and my new thing, barre classes. They're a fun way to strength train, and I'm hoping to buy a 10 class pass (if the budget allows!) and go once a week.
Life is good...confusing, frustrating, overwhelming, but good. I'm excited for 2015. There are more layers to peel away, and I'm ready!
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