"God Had to be Fair..."

As a kid, and especially a teenager, I often thought that I would trade my intelligence for beauty any day and, in my mind, being beautiful meant being thin. I grew up in New York and every year in Elementary School we took the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. The highest score was a 99, and that's usually what I got (one time I got a 98, and I was mad...) The only part I remember having difficulty with was the maps and spatial relations ("This is what this cube looks like unfolded. What does it look like folded up?" Who knows, and who cares?) This proves that my horrible sense of direction was inborn, and anyone who knows my parents knows who we can blame for that...Mom??? Anyway, I remember my parents telling me not to tell anyone what my score was, because it would seem like I was bragging. Looking back, I think they meant not to volunteer the information but, being 7, I thought it meant that I wasn't allowed to tell. When friends were discussing their scores, and asked me what I got, I remember saying, "I'm not allowed to tell you." They probably just thought I was weird. At that age, I knew that I did well in school, but I don't think I understood what bragging really was.

When I got older, there were times I remember my Mom telling me that people were jealous of the grades that I got, etc. I could not for the life of me understand why anyone would be jealous of me. You see, I never really thought of getting good grades as a big deal, because it came pretty easily to me. At the same time, I knew that it was something that people, especially adults, valued and, that by talking about it too much, I would be seen as conceited. Even today, at the age of 40, when someone asks me where I went to college, I am uncomfortable saying, "Dartmouth", because I know I will get the response of, "Oh wow!", and I feel like I'm bragging. Now, I didn't run up to this random person and say, "Guess where I went to school!", but that's kind of how it feels. Of course I am extremely proud of my Alma Mater, in the same way that many people are, but it's not because I got in and so-and-so didn't. It's because it's a beautiful school with an incredible history, where I got an amazing education and made wonderful friends. I know that my intelligence is a gift (and again, I feel very uncomfortable writing this, because I feel like I sound so full of myself), but it's not something I've ever been too impressed with, because I didn't have to work that hard at it. It's just me.

Weight-loss, on the other hand, is something that I fight for EVERY DAY (hence, the name of this blog.) When I was growing up, I was jealous of the pretty, skinny, popular girls. When my Mom would tell me that they were probably jealous of me, I figured that she was just trying to make me feel better. I'd think to myself, "I'd trade places with them in a heartbeat." For some reason it seemed to me that, for me, it had to be one or the other. Why did I think I had to trade my intelligence for beauty? Why COULDN'T I be a thin Hermione (although I had no idea who Hermione was back then...she didn't exist)? I also don't feel the least bit self-conscious posting on FB every year, on the day I hit goal, how many pounds I lost and how many years I've kept it off. Why does that not seem boastful? Because it's something I feel I've earned, something I've worked very hard for, and something that didn't come easily for me. My memory is not what it used to be, and I don't know what I'd score on the adult version of the Iowa Test of Basic Skills if there was one (although I'm sure I'd still suck at maps and spatial relations), but I'm pretty sure I've still got most of my marbles. I'm determined though to prove my young self wrong. I don't have to make a deal with the Devil and trade in my brains for beauty. I can, and I will, have them both.