Un-PC

I said yesterday that I can be judgmental about people who are overweight...of course I can, and that was the case even at my heaviest weight. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth. I often wonder why I didn't get REALLY fat...now some people might say that I was and, according to my BMI, I was certainly obese. But the heaviest weight of which I am aware is 198 when I first joined WW at, I believe, the age of 15. I do take a certain amount of ridiculous pride in the fact that I never got to 200 lbs. I may have, but I don't know if I did and, therefore, I didn't...right? It seems that whenever I got into the 170/180 range, something would click, and I'd put the breaks on. I don't know why but, if I had to guess, I'd say it was vanity. I didn't want to be what I perceived as REALLY fat...plain ol' fat was bad enough. I don't know if I could physically become morbidly obese. Even during my worst binges, I do have an end point, where I just have to stop or I will be sick. I guess if I binged every day for an extended period of time, it could happen. Luckily something always made me stop. Of course that means that I yo-yo'd for years (and still am.) I'm amazed that I am still able to metabolize anything. I have had the crazy thought, on occasion, that if I were REALLY fat, I could just get surgery. Yes, I have thought that. Just as bad as thinking that I couldn't be anorexic if I wanted to be. You see sometimes, to me, my situation seemed just as bad, if not worse, than being morbidly obese or being anorexic. It sounds crazy when I write it, but I know how I felt when I thought those things and, when I remember those feelings, and how bad it felt to have MY problem, wanting someone else's problem doesn't seem so strange.

I use the word fat a lot. I know that it's totally un-PC, but it's like anyone in a group using a term to describe the group that, if used by someone outside the group, is NOT ok. I am not fat on the outside right now, but I have a fat mind. My normal "resting point" is probably about 175-180 (I'm 5'4".) If I didn't think about what I eat (What? Is that even possible?) and just ate what I wanted, when I wanted, I'd eat often, and my choices would not be good. I don't know if it's possible to change that. Maybe, if I got to my ideal (in my mind) weight, and stayed there for, oh, 35 years, it would happen, and I'd have a thin mind, but I doubt it. The only way that I will stay at my ideal weight for that long is if I fight the fat brain EVERY day, the devil on my shoulder. I don't know why that's the case. Sure, in the past maybe I was eating for this or that deep psychological reason, but now I can honestly say that, when I eat, it's because it tastes good. Maybe I'm stressed, or tired, or bored, but often it's just because I want to. Right now I could totally go for a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream (are you noticing a trend in my food cravings?) I am sitting on my couch (my favorite place to be), my dogs are here (some of my favorite company), I just ate a good dinner (spaghetti squash with meatballs), and I'm getting ready to watch the Home Run Derby, which I love. Wouldn't some ice cream make this scenario even better? Wouldn't it taste really good? Yes! Am I stressed or bored? No...maybe a little tired, but from a day spent at the pool with my nieces and nephews...all good! I will not have ice cream. The fat devil will not win today. I might have a peach, or just some seltzer, but I want the ice cream...BECAUSE I WANT IT BECAUSE I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT TASTES GOOD!! No deep, dark secrets I'm trying to suppress. I just LOVE ice cream!!

Sorry, let me compose myself. Ok, so I use the term fat because I consider myself to be a "fat" person, in that my thought processes are those of a fat person trying to be thin, not of a thin person staying thin. I do censor myself in public, but in my mind it's, "He is fat" or "Wow, she's fat!" No wonder I think that people used to think the same about me.

Today was a hard day to stay true to the W30 idea of 3 meals a day, and it's one reason why I feel that this plan would be hard to follow to a T long-term. The dogs woke me at 5:45 and, by the time I got downstairs, I was starving. I had my Lara Bar and coffee. I had a hair appointment at 10:30, and before that I went to Shop Rite (so much for not grocery shopping this week!) I had not had breakfast, so I bought another Lara Bar, almonds and a cup of cantaloupe, which I ate while in the car and at the hair salon. After my appointment, I took my niece and nephew for pizza. I planned to get a salad with grilled chicken, oil and vinegar, but the place had no grill. I'd seen people there have salads with turkey on it, but cold cuts are tricky, so I had lettuce, tomato, onion and green olives...NOT filling. We got to my house and my sister and nephew were there to go to the pool. I grabbed a handful of almonds and we left. At the pool, the kids had ice cream, and my sister-in-law had sent snacks, none of which I could have. After an hour and a half, it started to thunder, and we had to leave. I was grateful, because I was SO hungry that my back hurt (because my stomach hurt and I felt it go right through.) I heated up some salsa chicken, had too many almonds, and a banana. By the time I ate dinner, I felt like I had been grazing all day, but I was still hungry. Even now, I feel sort of hungry, but I have no idea what to eat. I'm having cravings today for something sweet, so the things I'm eating are not satisfying my craving, and not really filling me up either. This plan is difficult if you're on the go all day, because it's hard to just grab a meal and go...it either requires cooking or lots of Tupperware...no sandwiches, no slices of pizza at the pool, etc. But, I got through the day, and I'm done with Day 22!