"I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome."
I am gross. It is 3:30 pm and I just got home. I left the house at 8 and went to the gym. From there I went straight to WW, then to get my nails done, then to watch my niece and nephew for an hour, then to Shop Rite. Now I'm home, just ate lunch (breakfast??), and I really should go and take a shower, because I can't stand me right now, but I don't feel like moving just yet.
One thing I'm realizing during my second W30 is that, while I'm following the rules, I'm not always following the "spirit" of it. For example, this morning I had a Lara bar at 5:30, another at 11, and a banana at 1, but I just ate my first meal at 3:30. Did I eat anything off plan? No. But I'm not really supposed to snack, and I'm supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day. 2 Lara bars and a banana, spread out over 6 hours, are not a balanced meal. So the question now is, do I eat one more meal today, or two? If I eat two more, "dinner" will probably be at 11 pm. I also caught myself snacking late last night. I'd been on the phone, and then got up to take the dogs out. I was a little hungry, so I took a handful of cashews. One became three, and they are REALLY good mixed with dried apricots. All of this was eaten while standing in front of the pantry in the kitchen. Did I eat anything off plan? No. Did I take the bags of cashews and apricots and finish them on the couch in front of the TV? No. So those are good things, but not perfect. The thing is, I'm ok with that this time. I know that I can do a W30, I don't have to prove to myself that I can. I'm also ok if the weight-loss is a little slower this time, if it allows me to have a Lara bar each morning. I lost 14.7 lbs in 30 days last time, but gained all but a pound of it back in the next 6 weeks. Maybe the way I'm doing it now is more sustainable long-term. We'll see.
I also "cheated" by finding out what I weighed today. I was disappointed in how my weigh-in went: not because of how I did, but because of what was said to me. I have to start by saying that my old leader Bev, whom I adored, left to take a new job about 3 months ago. She was with me from the beginning, and we are friends. My new leader is nice, and fine, but she is VERY hard-core, which is difficult for me to relate to. Anyway, I got on the scale and said that I could very well be over my goal and have to pay...I was fine with that. She had this strange look on her face as she looked at her computer and then said, "You're up 4 lbs..." (keep in mind that the last time I got on the WW scale was June 7th.) I said that that was ok, and handed her my debit card. I explained that I am back on track, and that it was actually much worse a few weeks ago. Then she said, "That's not like you." That's what really annoyed me. She's known me for 3 months, how does she know what's "like me." I said, "Actually, it is." I told Gail, and I think that she was more angry than I was. My feeling was, whatever, I know I'm doing great and what she thinks about me, what anyone thinks about me, is irrelevant. However, there are some people there who are just starting out, or who are in a much more fragile state than I am. To make a statement which comes off as judgmental in a place like WW is dangerous. During the meeting we were talking about mindset and, never one to keep my mouth shut, I raised my hand. I said that, despite the fact that I had gained weight over the past month, I know that, had I weighed in 2 weeks ago, I would've been up even more (I've lost between 5-6 pounds since I started my W30 12 days ago.) I said that I rejoined the gym after 3 months away, am cooking a ton, and making good food choices. I'm in a great frame of mind...that 4 lbs I'm up since June 7th is only a VERY small part of my story. See, you don't know me (I didn't say that, but wanted to!) PS-Bev, if you're reading this, I miss you!!! xoxo
Ok, time to go prep the meatballs and then wash my stinky self. Any ideas on how to handle the meal or meals I'm supposed to eat between now and bedtime would be greatly appreciated!!
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