How? The answer is: people pay a lot less attention to us than we think they do. How else can I have lost and then gained about 15 lbs in less than 3 months, and have people not notice? When I was about to start my first W30, my co-workers couldn't understand why. As far as they were concerned, I had maintained my 40 lb weight-loss for years...why lose more now? When I told them how much I had gained, they were surprised (and no, I don't think they were just saying it.) In the same way, when I lost 15 lbs in a month, not one person said, "Wow! You've lost so much weight!" Honestly, when I compared my before and after pictures, they were not nearly as dramatic as I expected them to be. I FELT a lot more different before and after than I LOOKED. Then, when I told co-workers that I was doing another W30, they thought it was just because I liked how I felt in April. That is very true, but I explained that I had gained 99% of the weight back. One friend said to me, "You know, no one can tell." It made me realize that, while I think I look very different, and KNOW that I feel very different, other people really can't tell. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves, their kids, their pets, their jobs, to worry too much about whether or not my pants look too tight. It was kind of nice to realize that :)
Now, don't get me wrong. I know I'm not fat. I spent way too many years actually BEING fat to burden myself with that label now. I read a quote once that said something like, "I know I'm not fat, but I have fat to lose. Is that better?" That's how I feel. I want to know that I can put on anything in my closet and have it fit comfortably. I want to feel like I'm in control of the choices I make food-wise. I don't walk into an exam room and think that my patient's mom thinks I look heavy. If I sit on the couch between two people, I don't worry that they're thinking, "Ugh, she's never gonna fit." Been there, done that, not doing that to myself now, because it's not true. The best part about getting older, and the main reason I'd never go back to my teens or twenties, is that I really don't care what people think now. I live my life for me. I want to look and feel the way I want to look and feel, not the way I think someone else wants me to or thinks I should. No matter how thin I am, I'll always wish I had smaller hips, a rounder butt and fuller lips. I won't, and that's ok. I know what I can't control, and I know what I can. I'm working on what I can.
Today was very strange as far as eating goes. I stayed in bed until 11 (other than getting up twice for the dogs) because I still had a bad headache, and was feeling very tired (another early W30 side-effect.) While I was in the shower, I hard-boiled a few eggs. I've never been a huge fan of eggs and, after eating them way too much in April, I have a very low tolerance for them now. Hard-boiled eggs though, I can do. OK, so I had my breakfast protein covered, but needed vegetables and fat. I got a cup of pineapple from Shop Rite instead of vegetables (not ideal, but whatever), and some black olives from the salad bar there. That was my breakfast/brunch...it was ok, and did the job of filling me up until about 3:30. Then I had the last of my Chocolate Chili, which I had defrosted. It was very soggy and gross (it was delicious when I first made it, and will be on my recipe post.) I threw most of it out. For dinner, I had Chipotle...yep, I can have a carnitas salad with lettuce, guacamole and mild tomato salsa. NOTHING else. I do extra meat and extra guacamole. It's ok...not what I really wanted, but great because it wasn't a hotdog, and I didn't have to cook.
Speaking of the recipe post, I will do it, I'm just avoiding it. You know I must really hate cooking if I don't even feel like posting recipes! It's one of my goals for this weekend...in addition to getting something in my house to eat other than eggs and hotdogs...
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