Wait, I'm Not Cured???

As I remember it, things were pretty easy for the first 2 years after I reached goal. Friday was my weigh-in day, and then Friday night I'd let my hair down with dinner out or take-out, and dessert (usually ice cream.) The other 6 days of the week I was mostly on plan. Even if I didn't track what I was eating on paper or on my computer, I did so in my head and, during the week, my meals and routine didn't vary too much. My goal weight was 139, and I was able to stay within 2 lbs of that with no problem. I actually hovered more around 135-137. Just as an aside, if a woman who's 5'4" and weighs 137 wears a size 4, what size do REALLY skinny people wear???

Anyway, I don't know exactly when the old habits started to creep back in, but they did. My "free day" went from being Friday to Friday and Saturday, then Friday-Sunday, etc., until I was trying to undo a week's worth of damage in a day or two before I had to weigh-in on Friday. I remember the first time I knew that I was more than 2 lbs over my goal and would have to pay. I was so embarrassed that I weighed in on a Thursday, so that I wouldn't have to face the women I usually saw. It was dumb, but I was so disappointed in myself. In the spring of 2012, my Mom and I visited Hanover, NH. For the entire trip I had to wear the same pair of black yoga pants, which were supposed to be my pajamas, because the jeans I had brought were too tight. Bad.

Through it all, I continued going to Weight Watchers every week. Paying became much less of an issue, because I had to do it on a fairly regular basis. At one point, I increased my goal to 146, the highest allowed for my height, and there were times when I STILL had to pay. I would feel in control one week, and then totally out of control for the next 3. It was/is very hard, when all I wanted was to get the old magic back. Why couldn't I get things to click anymore? How had I gotten so far away from what I was supposed to be doing? Where was my will power? These are questions I'm still asking myself. I got a glimpse of that old determination in April, when I did my first Whole30 but, once again, it's beginning to slip away. I guess I can't expect 2 years of good eating habits to easily win out over 30 years of bad ones, but it doesn't hurt to dream...