It's been almost 4 months since I last wrote. In that time, I've run 3 5k races, bettering my time each time, and running faster than a 10 minute mile in the Resolution Run on New Year's Day. I have another race coming up on February 8th, and plan on doing 1 a month every month this year. I am currently training for a 10k, although I've yet to find one, and have committed in my mind to running a half-marathon this fall. I am absolutely terrified at the thought, but also very excited (even though, after today's run, I am finding it difficult to walk, and wonder how in the world I will ever run 13.1 miles!) I've also started working with a trainer twice a week. When I first met with him, I told him that someday I wanted to do one "real" push-up (not from my knees.) Now I can do 3 sets of 10, which is absolutely amazing to me. I am also doing yoga anywhere from 1-3 times a week. I find it so challenging, but also very calming, because I can't think of anything other than what I'm supposed to be doing. Clearing my mind has always been a huge challenge for me, and yoga is an hour of a relatively quiet mind.
I am continuing to lose weight, slowly but surely, and am now about 5 lbs above my original WW goal. To get back to that will be such an accomplishment, because it's been so long since I've been there. I have all of my WW weight records from the past 5 years, and I looked back at them the other day. My weight now is the lowest it's been since last May, and as recently as August of this past year, I was 13 lbs heavier than I am now. It's been a long slow process, but I know I'm on the right track.
The major shift has been in my thinking about my body. I said to my Mom the other night that my focus now is not on my weight, but on the amazing things that my almost 41 year old body is able to do. I can RUN! I can LIFT! I can bend and stretch. I can do all of these things, and then go home, take care of my dogs and my home, work a full day, spend time with my friends and enjoy my nieces and nephews. I have made my health and fitness part of my life. It's an everyday part of my life. It's not something that gets fit in if there's time. I make time. My body amazes me everyday with what it can do, and I have become proud of it for that reason. A much better reason, in my opinion, that because of what size jeans I wear.
For the past 2 weeks I have mainly been following WW Simply Filling plan. Basically, as long as I eat from a list of "power foods" (whole wheat, fat-free dairy, lean meats, beans, fruits, vegetables, etc.) I can eat to satisfaction without weighing, measuring or tracking. I still get my 49 weekly points and earn Activity Points (running earns me a TON), and I mainly use these to splurge on the weekends. During the week I want to eat good food without thinking too much. That has been shredded wheat with a banana (my go-to breakfast even before the plan), tuna or turkey on a multi-grain light English muffin, vegetable soup with whole-wheat pasta that I eat between lunch and dinner, since I eat dinner late and am usually starving by around 4pm. For dinner I've been making a delicious crockpot turkey chili and eating a huge bowl over brown rice. Dessert is Orville Redenbacher Smart Pop popcorn...the whole bag! Last week I lost 1.6 lbs, after going out for Chinese food on Friday night and eating a few candy bars over the weekend! Clearly I don't mind eating the same things often during the week, so this plan has worked well for me. I probably won't do this strictly forever, but it's a great option for now. I also love how it's making me focus more on what I'm eating, and not just how much. With my increased activity level, I have to pay more attention to make sure I'm eating the right things, and I feel the need to eat more frequently. This plan allows me to do those things.
I definitely still struggle with believing that I am all the things that I'm starting to think I am, and that people are telling me I am (thin, tiny...yes, someone actually called me tiny!, attractive, strong.) It's really like I have an angel and a devil sitting on my shoulders, and which one I listen to depends on who's yelling louder that day. I also tend to allow my feelings to be too dependent upon the actions of others, and that is something I continue to work on. What I'm learning is that, while life is MUCH better when you are happy with your body, it's not perfect. While I continue to work on my outside, I'm also continuing to work to undo a lot of the insecurities, doubts and habits that I developed as an overweight child/teen/young adult. I can never lose that person, and I don't want to, but I've come a long way in making her voice a little bit quieter, and the new, confident, happy, proud voice that I've developed over the past few years grow louder.
