If God Created Food, then the Devil Created Bathing Suits

I put on a bathing suit today for the first time this summer. It wasn't great, but it wasn't terrible. Keep in mind that, after the age of about 10, I never wore a bathing suit without a big t-shirt over it until I was in my early 30's. At that point, I had lost a lot of weight for my best friend's wedding and, when we spent her bachelorette weekend at the shore, I wore...get this...a BIKINI!! Of course I was self-conscious, but looking back at pictures, I looked great! It's doubtful that I'll ever wear a bikini again, but I'm ok wearing a bathing suit in public without a t-shirt (although sometimes I'll wear swim shorts, and am much more comfortable that way.) I still feel like everyone is staring at me and judging my thighs if I walk anywhere, so I try to go from my lounge chair to the pool or ocean as quickly as possible. If someone stopped me and wanted to have a conversation, I think I'd probably have a panic attack. I still consider this huge progress from where I used to be. I hope that one day I'll love how I look in a bathing suit, but realistically that probably won't happen. I did have a bit of a revelation today though. I went to the gym this morning, and then ran a few errands. When I got home, I went into the bathroom and happened to glance at myself in the mirror. I was wearing lycra capris and a fitted tank top, and I looked fine...and I had been wandering around in public that way, and thought nothing of it. Because I looked fine. A girl who spent 75% of her life hiding under big shirts and baggy sweaters running weekend errands in fitted gym clothes...and looking FINE. Pretty cool.

Today was a great day! I had planned on doing 30 minutes at the gym, but then I started watching the Men's Finals at Wimbledon and couldn't pull myself away. 30 minutes turned into 60, and I was psyched about that. I came home and prepped Salsa Chicken to have for dinner, and then went to my pool with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. The chicken was very easy to make, and good if you like spicy. The recipe called for red pepper flakes and cayenne pepper, but said to leave out the cayenne if you don't want it hot. I should've left out all of the pepper, or put in significantly less red pepper. It came out way too spicy for my taste...my mouth was on fire! I'm not throwing it out, because I have a ton left, but I dumped out all the extra liquid in hopes that some of the fire will be extinguished!!

Tonight I watched Silver Lining Playbook...SO good, and highly recommended! Tomorrow starts Week 3, and I would be half-way through if I was only doing a W30. Instead, I'm about 1/3 of the way through. My goal this week is to cut out snacks after dinner. Last night I finished the last 5 dried apricots, and found myself justifying it by saying, "If I eat them now, they won't be here for me to eat tomorrow." That's always been one of my crazy ways to allow myself to overeat junk food, and there is just no (reasonable) logic there. Tonight I decided that I wanted an iced coffee (on W30 it is suggested that you don't drink caffeine after noon...I've never managed to stick to that.) When I was in the car on the way to DD, I thought to myself that, if I wasn't doing a W30, I'd be on the way to Boardwalk for a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream...and I REALLY wanted to go. But I didn't. Clearly I need to continue working on having a healthy psychological relationship with food. That is one goal of the W30, and for me it's definitely the hardest to achieve.

Good Friends and Good Food!

This is what I had for lunch today:

I know, you're jealous. It tasted as good as it looks. I visited my friend Cristina today, because Monday is her 40th birthday. I asked where she wanted to go, and explained that I was doing another W30. She told me the name of the restaurant (Blue Fig in Stony Point...for those from Rockland, there's also one in New City...SO good!), and I looked up the menu online. The dish was grilled shrimp with olive oil and lemon, served over rice and seasonal vegetables. I asked for extra vegetables instead of rice, and got a mix of shredded carrots, zucchini and broccoli. It was delicious!

Breakfast this morning was once again not ideal...some cashews, a Lara bar and coffee. I had to leave by 10 to get to Cristina's house by noon, so I had no time for a sit-down breakfast (well, I would have if I wanted to get up and get ready before 9.) Lunch was perfect, and for dinner I'm having my favorite...crockpot meatballs over cauliflower rice. Here's the big bowl of rice I just prepped (this is one whole head of cauliflower):

I'm getting better at making it in my little food processor, so that I can do it more quickly, and without getting little pieces of cauliflower all over the floor. When I made my meatballs yesterday, I used a whole big can of diced tomatoes instead of 2 cups or whatever the recipe says. Mainly because I didn't want to have any leftover in the can, but also because I wanted some extra liquid to mix into my "rice." I also added some kale to the meatballs, because I need to get rid of it. I think it made the meatballs not stay together as well, but I don't really care about that.

Last night I made Baked Artichoke Chicken. The recipe will be on the Recipes page, along with the modifications I made. It was ok, not great, but very easy. For me, it's good enough for lunch, not dinner. I don't really care what I eat for lunch. I eat breakfast late, so I'm usually not starving for my second meal. I also don't get a lunch break, so I'm just shoving food down between patients. It needs to be edible, and fill me up, that's it. For dinner, on the other hand, I want to be really excited about what I'm going to have...like my meatballs and rice, or even a hamburger, hotdog and baked sweet potato. Things that are quick and ok become lunch meals. Things that I really like become dinner.

I Really Should Be Showering...

"I am not what I have done, I am what I have overcome."

I am gross. It is 3:30 pm and I just got home. I left the house at 8 and went to the gym. From there I went straight to WW, then to get my nails done, then to watch my niece and nephew for an hour, then to Shop Rite. Now I'm home, just ate lunch (breakfast??), and I really should go and take a shower, because I can't stand me right now, but I don't feel like moving just yet.

One thing I'm realizing during my second W30 is that, while I'm following the rules, I'm not always following the "spirit" of it. For example, this morning I had a Lara bar at 5:30, another at 11, and a banana at 1, but I just ate my first meal at 3:30. Did I eat anything off plan? No. But I'm not really supposed to snack, and I'm supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day. 2 Lara bars and a banana, spread out over 6 hours, are not a balanced meal. So the question now is, do I eat one more meal today, or two? If I eat two more, "dinner" will probably be at 11 pm. I also caught myself snacking late last night. I'd been on the phone, and then got up to take the dogs out. I was a little hungry, so I took a handful of cashews. One became three, and they are REALLY good mixed with dried apricots. All of this was eaten while standing in front of the pantry in the kitchen. Did I eat anything off plan? No. Did I take the bags of cashews and apricots and finish them on the couch in front of the TV? No. So those are good things, but not perfect. The thing is, I'm ok with that this time. I know that I can do a W30, I don't have to prove to myself that I can. I'm also ok if the weight-loss is a little slower this time, if it allows me to have a Lara bar each morning. I lost 14.7 lbs in 30 days last time, but gained all but a pound of it back in the next 6 weeks. Maybe the way I'm doing it now is more sustainable long-term. We'll see.

I also "cheated" by finding out what I weighed today. I was disappointed in how my weigh-in went: not because of how I did, but because of what was said to me. I have to start by saying that my old leader Bev, whom I adored, left to take a new job about 3 months ago. She was with me from the beginning, and we are friends. My new leader is nice, and fine, but she is VERY hard-core, which is difficult for me to relate to. Anyway, I got on the scale and said that I could very well be over my goal and have to pay...I was fine with that. She had this strange look on her face as she looked at her computer and then said, "You're up 4 lbs..." (keep in mind that the last time I got on the WW scale was June 7th.) I said that that was ok, and handed her my debit card. I explained that I am back on track, and that it was actually much worse a few weeks ago. Then she said, "That's not like you." That's what really annoyed me. She's known me for 3 months, how does she know what's "like me." I said, "Actually, it is." I told Gail, and I think that she was more angry than I was. My feeling was, whatever, I know I'm doing great and what she thinks about me, what anyone thinks about me, is irrelevant. However, there are some people there who are just starting out, or who are in a much more fragile state than I am. To make a statement which comes off as judgmental in a place like WW is dangerous. During the meeting we were talking about mindset and, never one to keep my mouth shut, I raised my hand. I said that, despite the fact that I had gained weight over the past month, I know that, had I weighed in 2 weeks ago, I would've been up even more (I've lost between 5-6 pounds since I started my W30 12 days ago.) I said that I rejoined the gym after 3 months away, am cooking a ton, and making good food choices. I'm in a great frame of mind...that 4 lbs I'm up since June 7th is only a VERY small part of my story. See, you don't know me (I didn't say that, but wanted to!) PS-Bev, if you're reading this, I miss you!!! xoxo

Ok, time to go prep the meatballs and then wash my stinky self. Any ideas on how to handle the meal or meals I'm supposed to eat between now and bedtime would be greatly appreciated!!

Happy 4th of July!

"It's actually pretty simple. Either you do it, or you don't"

I hope you all had a great 4th of July! My day started off at Lowes, where I bought a new washing machine which will be delivered Sunday. Min3 decided to die last night, so it was a good excuse to replace the one that was here when I moved in, which I've always hated. I then made it back to the gym for an abbreviated work out. I wanted a treadmill, but the gym was crowded, and there were none available. I got on this thing that I use often, which is sort of a cross between a Stairmaster and an elliptical. After 25 minutes I was done. My feet were falling asleep (this happens to me when exercising on cardio machines, and it's SO annoying!), and this gym is really hot, so I was sweating like a pig. I was just happy that I got back after 2 days off, and will try to go a little longer tomorrow.

I got home and had a late breakfast of leftovers (avocado basil chicken salad, a chicken kale patty and a Lara bar.) I also had a Lara bar first thing in the morning...damn Lara bars! I then wasted time looking at pictures of bad celebrity plastic surgery...if I had that much money, I would hire someone to make sure I didn't make myself look like a scary clown. When I had sufficiently freaked myself out (Carrot Top anyone???), I went upstairs and took a nap. I had a very restless morning, because I had to clean up pee at 5:30 AM, and then wash rugs in a washing machine that doesn't drain or spin unless I put it on the spin cycle alone 2 or 3 times. I was up and down a lot between 5:30 and 10, so I slept soundly for an hour and a half. Then I showered, fed the dogs, roasted some brussel sprouts, and went to my brother's for dinner. (And, in case your wondering, Marty will be spending the nights in his crate from now on.)

I am very proud of how I handled dinner tonight. My brother texted and invited me over for chicken and ribs that he was cooking in his smoker. I asked him to make a few pieces for me that had no sauce on them. He said the chicken had a rub on it, and the ribs just had salt, pepper and onion or garlic powder (I forget.) I asked him to send me the name of the rub so that I could look up the ingredients. As I expected, the 2nd ingredient was sugar...grrrrr!!! He made some plain chicken and I had that and some ribs. I didn't know what sides they would have, so I offered to make my world famous (according to me) brussel sprouts. I was able to enjoy a delicious 4th of July dinner with my family and stay on plan. Go me!

I just went through my W30 Pinterest board and picked out 3 new recipes to try. I'm also making the crockpot meatballs and cauliflower rice again. I will share the recipes once I'm sure they're worth sharing, and I will type up a few tomorrow (ones from cookbooks that don't have links.) I'm off tomorrow, so I'm going to go to Shop Rite to pick up a few things, and then do some cooking. I love the cauliflower rice so much that I'm going to buy a bigger food processor (next time I get a 30% off coupon from Kohls), because using my little 3 cup one takes forever!

I have to weigh-in at WW tomorrow, because it's the first Friday of July. I have not decided if I'm going to look at my weight or not. I'm not supposed to, but I'm very curious...I should be a good girl and not look...

Where's That Whole30 Happy???

I was not in a good mood today. I know the reason, and am not going to go into it (once again, this is a public blog), but I'm home now, on my couch, and have the next 5 days off, so it's all good. The thing is, if I remember correctly, NOTHING could put me in a bad mood for long during my first W30. I really wish that I had blogged in April, because I keep trying to remember how I felt when, and I just can't. I guess I could look back at my posts on the W30 forum, but I don't think I posted every day...same with FB posts. I probably should just stop trying to anticipate what's going to happen when, and stop comparing then and now. I am eating well, feel good physically, and have been in a good mood for the most part. Maybe there are just some things that annoy me enough that nothing can negate them! The weather may also be playing a role. It was nowhere near this hot and humid in April, and this type of weather just drains the life out of me. Thankfully I don't have to be out in it too often, but walking the dogs is pure torture.

Today was a pretty routine day. I woke up with the dogs at 4:45 because I heard Marty...too late, he had already peed :/ Took them out, fed them, cleaned up the pee, and made myself a cup of coffee. I was starving, so I took a Lara bar up to bed with me, along with my coffee. The plan was to go back to sleep until 8 and then go to the gym. That didn't happen. It didn't happen yesterday either. I went Sunday and Monday and, since I'm off for the next 5 days, I figured there was no need to go on one of the 2 days this week when I had to work. That's fine now, but eventually I will have to go before work. I will really miss my lazy, relaxing mornings. I need to stop seeing the gym as a negative, which is taking away my relaxation, and instead see it as something which is giving me back my stamina and strength, and the toned body I used to have.

I went to work and had chicken kale patties for "breakfast" at noon (bad, very bad...sorry, I don't like to eat a big meal too early.) Then I had avocado basil chicken salad for lunch with cut up green peppers at about 3, but I just wasn't really hungry, and only ate about half of it. I got home at 7, walked and fed the dogs, and now I am sitting here blogging. I need to eat dinner, but I'm just not that hungry. Who am I??? (BTW, all of these recipes are on the Recipes post.)

So today was ok W30-wise, not so great mood-wise. I think another thing that is bothering me is that I'm realizing that I'm not really on Day 10 with 20 left to go, since I plan on continuing until at least August 10th. What I need to remind myself is that, when I "stopped" last time, it was a total disaster. August 10th might be the last day that I am totally strict, but I need to figure out a way to continue eating this way with some OCCASIONAL modifications. It's kind of scary, since I couldn't do it last time, and kind of depressing (no daily peanut butter shake floats with vanilla ice cream...)

Not All Flowers and Rainbows

I had a GREAT experience during my first W30, and I told anyone who would listen (including anyone who would read my status updates on FB) about how great I felt. However, I want to make sure that anyone in the middle of their first W30, or thinking about starting one, knows that it's not all easy and wonderful. It's hard...not "I can't do this" hard, but rather, "I have to want this more than I want ice cream" hard. It's a lot of work, especially for someone who strongly dislikes cooking (my parents taught me that I shouldn't hate anything.) It takes a lot of planning, and when you have other things going on (work, kids, pets, a household to run), you don't have a lot of time to leisurely browse through cookbooks, or meander through the grocery store looking at exotic vegetables, or spend an hour or two each afternoon preparing a gourmet meal. The thing is, you don't need to do any of those things, but you do need to spend at least some time looking for new recipes, reading labels and cooking. This is NOT a fast-food friendly meal plan.

You will also not always feel great physically or mentally. Remember that I had a headache EVERY SINGLE Day 2. Bad headaches. You will be hungry, but the great thing is that, if you are, you are supposed to eat more! You are not expected to just be hungry because, well, you ate all you were "allowed" to eat. If you need to snack, do so, but then figure out what and/or how much more you need to eat at your next meal so that you won't feel the need to snack. You don't have to count anything or weigh anything. You just need to eat the proper things in the proper proportions, and adjust amounts as needed (within reason, of course.) You will be cranky. You will be tired. You will stare longingly at a bowl of Doritos at your nephew's birthday party, and then panic momentarily when you worry that maybe you ate some and can't remember (yes, really.) You will dream about food. You will feel sad when you realize that having a peanut butter shake float with vanilla ice cream every day of the year is not really a good idea.

The thing is, being overweight is hard. Not fitting in your clothes is hard. Not wanting to wear a bathing suit at the beach is hard. Not being happy with yourself is hard. Been there, done that. I'd rather have to spend a Sunday cooking, because the W30 will get easier. You will figure out what you can and can't buy and how much you need to eat. Your headache will go away, and one day you will realize that you are happy...for no particular reason. You will still be sad about the peanut butter shake floats with vanilla ice cream, but you'll live.

So what about today's food? Breakfast was a 3 egg omelet with onions, spinach and mushrooms. I splurged on an omelet mix of pre-cut veggies at Whole Foods on Saturday, and it has been totally worth it. The one mistake God made when He created the universe is that vegetables don't grow pre-cut. Lunch was leftover mushroom cauliflower chicken soup and a Lara Bar (I've decided that I should probably not buy Lara Bars anymore...they are REALLY good, and I could definitely get in trouble with them.) Dinner was my new favorite meal: my crockpot meatballs with cauliflower rice. This time I sautéed mushrooms with garlic and oil and dumped the cauliflower rice in...OMG!! I am in a bit of a panic because I am quickly running out of meatballs and cauliflower rice. Good thing I have a 5 day weekend coming up.

One last thing: I would love to know who is reading this blog, so please just leave a comment now and then, letting me know who you are and that you're there :)

Reflecting on Week One

The dogs are at the groomer, and I'm taking advantage of them being gone by cleaning and blogging. I've been thinking about how the first week of my second W30 went, and what I can do to make the next few weeks better. First of all, last week was basically "fly by the seat of my pants." I had nothing prepared, little food in the house, and just made do with what I had. If this had been my first W30, I don't think I would've made it through last week. Everything you read about doing a W30 stresses that planning and preparation are key. I would not recommend that anyone decide at 9:30 pm to start a W30 the following day. This weekend I was able to look up recipes, shop, and I spent most of yesterday, and will spend part of today, cooking for the week. I feel much more relaxed and excited about the foods I will be eating...mainly because I KNOW what I will be eating.

Second, my first W30 was more difficult at first than this one is, but it was also more exciting and fun. I signed up again for the Whole30 Daily emails but, unlike the first time, when I read and absorbed every word, this time I just skim through them. It's like, I read this already, I know this already. I still like clicking the link at the bottom that says I survived another day, so that makes it worth the $4.95. I also am not sure if I feel different yet, and I definitely don't think I look different. I haven't weighed myself (not allowed), but I doubt I've lost any weight. I know it's only been a week, but considering how poorly I was eating before, I kind of expected the weight to just fall off. I can't remember how long it took to notice a difference in my body last time, or my mood for that matter. All I remember is that I lost 14.7 lbs by the end, and I want that...NOW.

I'm also being a little more lenient with what I eat when. Yesterday I had a handful of cashews before the gym, but didn't eat "breakfast" until 1pm! I had a Lara Bar at about 4, then a bowl of the mushroom cauliflower soup at about 7. An hour later I was starving, so I had another bowl of soup. An hour later I was starving again, so I had a tsp of almond butter. A few minutes later I was starving again. Then I realized that I'd only eaten 2 meals all day, so I had 3 of the crockpot meatballs for "dinner" at 10:30. An ideal W30 day is breakfast as soon as you wake up, then lunch and dinner with no snacks. Clearly I did not follow those rules yesterday, and because of that I felt hungry on and off all night, and ate dinner when I should've been going to bed.

Don't get me wrong, I am VERY happy to be doing this W30, or W49, whatever it's going to be. I'm proud that I got through my first weekend, which included my nephew's birthday party, where I passed on pizza, cake and chips. I feel much more in control, which always puts me in a good mood (can we say "control freak"?? ) What I'm trying to use to motivate me this time is exercise. I told you that I didn't exercise at all during my first W30, and I wondered how my results would have differed if I had. Now, I'm excited to find out!

Just a quick update on the chicken patties and meatballs I posted yesterday, which have been added to my Recipe post: both were good, meatballs were great! I apparently don't like rosemary, and will leave it out of the chicken patties next time. All of my opinions and modifications to the recipes I post are included next to the link for them.

Finally, to my friend who is starting her first W30 today, I'm so excited for you, and happy to have someone with me the rest of the month. And to my friend who finished a W35 a few weeks ago and is now maintaining a W30/Paleo diet for the most part, despite it being SO hard at times...you rock, and you will be MY inspiration when I finish this!! Happy Monday everyone!